Valentine’s Day. sigh
A day designated to celebrate the love you have with your “significant other.” But it is also a day that to many new divorcees and “separates” it’s almost a direct slap in the face. While other people are celebrating, we walk around with our hands planted firmly against our ears trying to block out all the romances, the talk of dinners out and “how we’ve grown together” and all the stories of successful marriages.
Most new divorcees and singles are already struggling with the concept of being single again and trying to gather their emotional wits about them so they can try to find a healthy relationship with themselves and, perhaps, with another significant other with the hope that that relationship will be “the one.”
To Love and to Be Loved
One of the strivings of life is to be loved and when that love is suddenly not there due to whatever circumstance we can be left with a big hole and a flood of emotions ranging from anger to frustration to depression.
It is mentally unhealthy to bury these emotions away, but it is also unhealthy to wallow in them – dwell in them. You have to know yourself well enough to say, “Okay. That’s enough. Time to pick myself up.”
Like managing stress, these kinds of emotions, if not alleviated can wear on your heart and mind, battering your self-esteem, your overall physiology and affect your productivity and relationships with others.
Sometimes – many times – it takes a determined act to find those activities that “pick you up” and that keep you from wallowing too long and getting caught up in the negatives. Far from a night of getting drunk or stoned, I’m talking about getting involved in other community things. Seeking out healthy situations with positive people or people who at least will make you laugh that will for a few moments anyway allow you to focus on something other than your circumstances (see my article on the positive effects of laughter for more on how this works).
But showing love, giving to others, even when you might not necessarily feel like it, is also essential. Love isn’t about selfishness and keeping things to yourself. As the song says, love isn’t love until you give it away. If you want to feel loved, then you need to show love to others. Parents do this by default, really. Often the attention in a divorce/separated situation makes parents turn their loving efforts to their children.
Survival Strategies
But there are other things we can do than can help this lovey-dovey day seem a little more bearable.
1) Make a singles date with other single friends – chances are you’re not the only lonely one…make a date with other divorcees or singles that you know.
2) If you have children, make a special date with them. Take them out for dinner, pizza, a movie, whatever. You will never be sorry for making your children your Valentine.
3) Take time to visit someone who may be shut in. Take time to read to them. Talk to them. Play music for them. You may be the perfect Valentine to cheer someone else’s day.
4) Take yourself out for dinner or a special coffee or sweet treat. Plan a day at the spa or just some quiet time in a bubble bath or with a book. Just something to pamper yourself a little bit.
See Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be depressing. By seeking out ways to be loving to others and to yourself, you really discover you are more loved than you thought.