Imagine breaking your arm. It feels horrible at the time, but you know you’ll survive and heal in a few months. Now imagine having an ex-boyfriend slash you with a knife multiple times in different places, including your face. How is anyone expected to recover from such a traumatic event?
Yet Ilianexy Morales is on the road to recovery, with the help of a surgeon and the special show “Facing Trauma” on Discovery Fit & Health. The show focuses on two women and one child whose faces and other body parts were scarred or damaged because of domestic violence. Dr. Andrew Jacono is the surgeon who helped alleviate the appearance of scars through surgery.
These women are not the only victims of domestic violence or intimate partner violence. According to a CDC report on violence, “In 48 population-based surveys from around the world, between 10 percent and 69 percent of women reported being physically assaulted by an intimate male partner at some point in their lives.” A Reuters story stated that “about a quarter of U.S. women suffer domestic violence.” Also, about 2 million women are injured per year as a result of domestic violence.
Ilianexy’s story
Morales was attacked when she was 23 by an ex-boyfriend about six years ago after she broke up with him because of his jealousy and controlling behavior. He met her at her apartment “to talk” and ended up leaving scars with his knife all over her body, including her face, and only in August was she able to have the surgery to help her move on.
“Before the surgery it was quite difficult for me,” Morales said. “I had many, many scars, not only on my body but also on my hands, on my arms, on my face of course, on my neck. The most difficult thing to deal with was the face scars.”
She said she used to stay home and only went out when she had to after the attack. She had a limited social life and wasn’t able to get surgery with her current health insurance.
“I really thought that I was just going to stay like that forever,” Morales said.
She used to have major issues because of the scars.
“I had no confidence at all, no self-esteem at all,” Morales said. “It’s a major difference for me [now].”
Because of the surgery, she now can be more social.
“The scars are still there, they’re just much better,” Morales said. “They’re … easier for me to conceal with makeup or whatever.”
Although the attack was traumatic, she said the scars were harder to get over, since she said she was strong through the emotional aspect and that it doesn’t bother her so much anymore since it was years ago.
“The scars I was able to see,” Morales said. “People were able to see them. To me that was difficult.”
She said people didn’t treat her differently because she had scars, but they were curious and she had to tell her story many times. She said at first it was difficult to tell her story without crying, but she became used to it.
Talking about trauma on TV
Carl Shubs, Ph.D, a psychologist who specializes in trauma in private practice in Beverly Hills, said that it depends on the individual whether sharing a traumatic experience on TV can be helpful or not.
“There’s always a question of ‘why do it on TV’?” Shubs said. “Some people can find that helpful, other people can find it too exposing. It really is more of an individual choice. Sometimes people don’t know until after they’ve done it.”
Shubs said that some people can find it empowering to share their experiences on TV.
“Some people feel a lot of empowerment in doing that on the other hand, because some people feel that not only are they owning what’s happened to them and in that way fighting back against it, they also may feel that they’re helping others who are in that situation to not have to go through what they went through,” Shubs said.
At first Morales wasn’t completely sure about participating in the show.
“I was nervous,” Morales said. “It was something that I had to give a lot of thought. I was hiding for so long from so many people.”
She ended up deciding to participate because she knew it would help her accomplish her goal of getting surgery. Her family and friends have been happy for her throughout the process as well, she said.
The recovery process
Although Morales has gotten over the attack, she said she still thinks about the attack and can be very cautious and was sometimes afraid when going on dates.
“Most of it is time,” Morales said. “Time just heals everything.”
She’s aware that not all men have the same issues that her ex-boyfriend had, but she is more cautious.
Morales wants to let other women in a similar situation know that help will come, but not necessarily right away. Still they should not give up and hide – that is what the attacker wants.
Shubs said that people who go through such traumatic experiences can have hope of recovery.
“I strongly believe in people’s ability to recover,” Shubs said. “The question has to do with what happened to them and what the meaning of it all was.” One of the factors in recovery is a previous history of domestic violence.
Surgery can only help so much with the recovery process, he said. It’s important to have a therapist to talk to.
“It really helps to have someone to talk to and someone to talk to who’s willing to talk to you at your own pace,” Shubs said.
The therapist has to understand the pace of the patient and give the patient the control. Some victims can talk about the incident all at once, but others need more time.
“One of the primary issues has to do with control,” Shubs said. “If someone has been in a domestic violence relationship and been severely injured, they’ve had their control taken away from them and used against them.”
Talking with friends and family members can also be really helpful, since support is necessary. However, they can only help so much.
“A friend is really helpful, but they’re your friend, not your therapist.,” Shubs said. “They have a stake in the relationship in a way that a therapist doesn’t. A therapist is there for you. A friend has their own needs in the relationship. Having the support of friends and family can be really helpful, but friends and family also have their own needs in the relationship and that may interfere with the person’s getting their needs met.”
Tyler Ralston, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in Honolulu, Hawaii, said that women in these situations tend to have a lot of guilt. They think they shouldn’t gotten out of the situation. However, he helps them work on these feelings of guilt.
“It’s just inaccurate,” Ralston said. “Usually while they think they should’ve gotten out earlier, there was really no way they could’ve forseen what was going to come down the line. Often they didn’t have the ability to get out earlier.”
Other people can reinforce this guilt by asking them why they let this happen. However, this thinking is inaccurate and just contributes to the already-prevalent guilt of the victim.
“They’re more like a zebra and their perpetrator is more like a lion,” Ralston said. “A zebra doesn’t ever choose a lion to eat it.”
He works with women on negative self-talk, including the word “should.”
“We increase awareness of all that and then teach them how to think of everything in more accurate ways,” Ralston said.
Often women who have suffered from domestic violence apologize a lot because sometimes it worked and that’s how they attempted to avoid getting hurt.
Ralston said he helps teach women body calming skills to help relieve anxiety, as well as help them talk about their traumatic experience so they can realize it’s not happening again. There is also some training so they can recognize red flags and not get into another abusive relationship.
He said that surgery could be a good idea for some women in order to boost their self-esteem, but dealing with the scars could also be an option.
“To some degree facing the scars over and over and over and seeing them every day would be a good thing for them because then they’re getting exposure to a harmless reminder of the abuse,” Ralston said.
For more information, tune in to the show this Sunday and/or read information below about domestic violence.
Sources:
http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/intimatepartnerviolence/index.html
http://www.reuters.com/article/2008/02/07/us-violence-domestic-usa-idUSN0737896320080207
http://www.ralstontherapy.com/