All couples experience issues with and questions about intimacy, whether they are at the beginning of their relationship or entering later years of a committed partnership. Reaching a balance that works for each individual and accounts appropriately for both sexual and emotional investment is a science. In fact, in their newest book on couples’ intimacy, certified sex therapists Drs. Bill and Ginger Bercaw explained that attaining and maintaining intimacy with a partner requires a skill set that few of us were given any sort of training in, and moreover, any training we do have is acquired through exposure to mainstream media outlets and celebrity gossip.
In hopes of offering couples a less Hollywood-centric, more scientific perspective of relationships, the doctors’ book is titled “From the Living Room to the Bedroom: 6 Steps to True Intimacy and Sexual Abundance”. It focuses on the importance of integrating sexual intimacy with emotional intimacy, and asserting that your bedroom experience will not be rewarding if you cannot also comfortably or joyfully exist together in non-sexual realms (such as the living room). Their outline offers both concrete actions that couples can take to repair a disintegrating situation, as well as more theoretical discussion of what it means to be intimate, why shared existence is important, and how a healthy relationship impacts one’s general health.
Their advice is based on the premise that in order to avoid the disillusionment or “state of mutual dissatisfaction or indifference” that so many people experience after being in a long-term, monogamous relationship, couples should explore what they call sexual abundance--the practice of being intimate in different contexts and at a variety of levels. They encourage individuals to foster positive, healthy outlooks on themselves and in their own lives, allowing for “inter-dependence” within a relationship. Inter-dependence is basically the happy medium between relying too heavily on another person for pleasure and withholding too much of yourself from a partner. Establishing this healthy, balanced bond – a connection based on mutual respect, understanding, equality and acceptance – is essential to re-connection and renewed intimacy.
In the online preview of their book, the Bercaws described the three main components of sexual abundance, a baseline that allows for “good flow” in the bedroom and every other domain of your relationship:
1. Establish mutual commitment. Basically, this means both partners should agree to uphold a monogamous relationship. If this decision is unequal, sexual dysfunction is likely.
2. Embrace your own self-worth. Each individual should be able to find esteem from within, not basing your value upon the level of your partner’s sexual desire or emotional outreach alone. Taking pleasure from what you can offer on your own will reduce pressure and tension in a shared setting.
3. Communicate. Each partner should share his or herself in order to connect. By exposing yourself and becoming vulnerable (while remaining safely in a mutual comfort zone), you can establish new layers of intimacy.
a. Sharing requests, thoughts and feelings are good ways to initiate these new layers.
The bottom line that the book emphasizes is that when couples consciously work to bring affection, understanding, compassion and shared experience into their everyday interactions, this can be transferred to a more stimulating and fulfilling sexual relationship as well. Perhaps with practice, couples will even move their sexual exploration to the living room!