How do I forgive him?
Last Tuesday, my boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me. Wow, that feels good to get off my chest...I have been holding it in because I just don’t want anyone to know, so this is why I am here...
Last Tuesday, the night before the love of my life’s birthday, I had a small get together at my place for him for pre-drinks, then we planned to go to the bar. The night was going great, we all had fun, I had a bit too much fun and got drunk, and had a very important interview the next morning. Once the evening got to the point to go to the bar, I knew it was within my best interest to stay home, but I wished him well and sent our friends with him to show him a good time. Feeling guilty about not joining him on his birthday, I went to sleep and waited for him to return after the bar. He didn’t.
At about 4am, I awoke, and saw that I had no texts, calls or anything which was so unlike him. I called him, he ignored it 3 times. I called the friends we were with, they said they had no idea where he went and couldn’t find him throughout the night, so now I was worried. I got in my car, and drove to his apartment to make sure he was okay....
Walking up to his window, which you can see in because he has a bottom floor apartment, my heart sank to my feet wondering what I was going to find. Some part of me knew. I walk over and see him standing in the middle of his room, shirt inside out, and I can see that the bathroom door across the hall light is on, and the door is shut. I ask him “where have you been, we’re all worried about you” and he says “Hey I’ll come out, be there in a second” and hurriedly runs to let me in to the apartment building. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice a little black clutch on his computer chair.
When he gets to the door, I can see on his face that something happened. He looks disgusted and shocked, and can’t form words. He says “let’s just go to your place, please let’s just go to your place” and I ask him to take me inside, why he won’t take me inside. We start walking down the path, me trying to convince myself that that was one of our friends purses, and asking myself - If there is a girl there, he wouldn’t just leave with me right now would he?- but I had to go see for myself.
I run back over to the window, to see a skinny, hot blonde walk out of the bathroom, walk into his room, wearing only her slutty bar top and underwear. She proceeds to bend down to put back on her shorts, and my heart shatters into a million pieces. I can’t breathe, I don’t know what to do, and I look back to find him only to see that he’s run away. I march back to the window, knock on it, and ask this poor girl repeatedly “did you sleep with him? Did you just have sex with that guy? Please tell me the truth, did you sleep with him? What happened?.... And she exclaims, no I swear to god we didn’t, he said he didn’t have a condom, I don’t sleep with guys without a condom, I swear.. Then she asks me who are you?.. And tears just start coming down my face as I say “his girlfriend of 3 years”...
I sit with the girl, who just destroyed my entire life, talking to her about what happened, and I call her a cab... Something I never thought I would have to do in my entire life. She tells me over and over that she didn’t sleep with him, but that she was sure they would have if he had had a condom, and that they had made out and danced at the bar .. The bar that I was taking him to for his birthday..
After I watch her drive away in a cab, I can’t help but pace back and forth, wondering how this could have ever happened, if I was just dreaming, if I was mistaken, how he could have done this to me, where he went.... When my friends, who I had called, pull up. They come running and the moment that their body hits mine I just collapse, and cry the hardest, and longest that I have ever done. I hyperventilate, I yell, I bawl my eyes out, with no answer to all of this.
Living just up the road, they put me in their car and drive me home, only for me to realize that all of the lights have been turned off in my apartment, he’s here. I run in, not knowing what I’m going to say to him, or what I’m going to do. I slam open the door and find him sleeping in my bed. I wake him with slaps, punches and screaming. All he can say is he doesn’t know how it happened, he was drunk and it just did and that he’s so so sorry. I am officially numb....
After 4 hours of talking, yes until 8am before my 10:30am important interview, he has described over and over again that he is so sorry, that he had absolutely no intention of sleeping with her, the she asked him if he had a condom, and he instantly said no to get out of it, that she had kissed him at the bar, that he was sorry that he kissed back, that she just got in the car with him and his “work” friends, and had just gotten out with him when he got home, that he had never invited her there or into his place, that he doesn’t know why he didn’t stop her from coming in, that nothing other than a kiss happened...... On and on and on..
I asked a million details, I wanted to know every little thing, and I don’t even know why. As much as each little thing hurt me more and more, and stabbed the knife further and further into my chest, I had to know. I had to know how she ended up in his room, why she was in his bed, who kissed who, how they kissed, how he was laying, what he talked to her about, what he was thinking about when it happened, why the thought of me didn’t make him kick her out, if he would have slept with her had I not shown up, if he liked her at all, if he wanted sex from her....on and on and on...
And after the worst night of my entire life, this is where I am now, almost 1 week later:
I love this boy. So so much, more than I could ever describe. I truly think that I believe he wouldn’t have slept with her, but I also believe there definitely was a part of him that wanted to. I am happy that out of this, as he says, that he realized he definitely doesn’t want to be with anyone else and that he had his doubts of spending his life with someone he met so young, but says he now knows I’m the one - I’m happy about that, as bitter sweet as it may be. I want to make things work, I want to forget about all of this, I want to trust and love him again like I used to, I want to believe that nothing would have gone further, that he actually stopped everything for me. I want to marry him, and start a family with him, and spend the rest of my life with him. I want to take in this what seems to be changed man, who has been doing my dishes, waiting on me hand and foot, and telling me how grateful he is to have me. I want to be with this guy who says he will do anything in his power to convince me to stay, and will never stop trying to make me trust him again so we can spend our lives together. But how?
How do I erase that skinny, beautiful blonde girl from my mind? How do I believe that he really has realized that he wants to spend his life with me? Do I believe that this guy who never wanted a relationship at all, actually thinks that I am who he will spend the rest of his life with? Will he follow through with making our relationship last forever, and continue to try to make things work, or will he get bored and do this again? Was there something missing in our relationship? Can we ever get back to where we were? Can I believe the promises that he is making to me to never touch another girl, when I thought that was his promise all along?
Please help me...what do I do? How do I get past this? How do I erase this awful image from my head and move on with our lives? Or am I crazy to even think it’s possible?....