It was the best of years, it was the worst of years. 2011. My Life. The Tale of Two Cities..... To be fair, I never read the novel. To be honest, while I might LOVE to attempt to crack the spine of a Dicken's classic, my brain is revolting at the hinting whisper that crossed my brain. A quick Wiki detour later, my brain is now mocking me. "You MUST be kidding. Keep up with those plot lines-those twists of fate with the characters? Dream on, girlfriend. Dream ON....."
Mostly, all the reflections are over. What have we accomplished as the year winds down and a new one begins? Except, of course, MY reflections. I've spent the week reading what other bloggers were sharing. I gave my brain a much needed rest. I needed to recharge for a new year. Now it is time for resolutions. Except, I don't do resolutions. Haven't done that since..... I'm thinking here...... ummm, since birth? Never. I'm not That Girl. Do I honestly need the stroke of a the hand of a clock for self admonishment? I'm sure there is a list of "common resolutions" and I will leave it to you to seek it out. Google should probably produce a list of nine million answers in one thousandth of a millisecond. I will guess that high on that list I would find weight loss, exercise and quit smoking. Did you check? Am I right?
My preference is to live in the moment. To stay present in the moment. This is not to say I should be without goals or lacking motivation to strive for those goals, but in each moment, I am learning to stay fully engaged. You get my drift here? I'm the person who would go for a facial and despite the soft music, dim lights, hint of aromatherapy and the warmth of the blankets would never quiet my racing mind to enjoy that moment. I'm paying some decent money to sit for 50 minutes and I can't disengage??
I am obsessed and can't stop thinking about what an oily mess my hair will be when I head to the next place. Perhaps I will have time to run into the shower? I need to pick up the dry cleaning. What am I preparing for dinner? Better remember to check my phone to see if there is another appointment later in the day. I just KNOW I am going to bump into the most pulled together bitch when I walk out of here. The neighborhood Queen Bee. The one whose hair is perfectly coiffed (did I really just pull that word out of thin air???), nails impeccably manicured, makeup applied with professional artistry, outfit coordinated including the sylish boots (are those red soled Loubies?) and the quirky and insanely priced "must have" bag of the season to pull the whole "look" together. Yeah. I'm definitely bumping into that bitch. Probably when I exit this building.
That was January 1, 2011. Today? I got my own look. The oily hair, freshly scrubbed somewhat blotchy face and a confidence that says, "You may look great, honey, but I got it all goin' on." You can only be the Queen Bee if I'm a Wanna Bee. And, I'm not. So THERE. It is one year later. The year began as "the worst of years" which carried over from 2010 is coming to an end and not a moment too soon. Somewhere during the first half of 2011, I truly immersed myself with this zen stay in the moment stuff. Live in the moment. Projecting "what next" is a giant waste of emotional energy. So WHAT about the bitch in the burbs with the perfect life.
If I am to be honest, December 31, 2011 was remarkably similar to December 31, 2010. Groundhog Day? Not for me. It was Groundhog YEAR. The events surrounding my life today bear a striking resemblance to the events that surrounded me one year ago. The difference? Me. I am different. The circumstances may still be somewhat sucky. There are things I can't/won't share beyond saying that none of us exists in a vacuum. The lives of our loved ones and our interactions with them trickle (or in my case, the force of the trickle is more akin to Niagra Falls) into our own lives. The result of the impact is a function of the "severity" of the circumstance. I'm speaking in tongues. Let's move on. Minus the zen stuff.
No resolutions for me. Just ways in which I would like to live my life. Slow and steady. Little improvements. Things that will fulfill me on all levels: emotionally, personally, intellectually. What can I do to make a difference? How might I be a kinder person? What qualities do I love in certain people and how can I strive to emulate my heroes.
How may I use my energy to guide others through the path I've already traveled? Breast cancer: a path paved by millions of women before me and sadly, there are many more behind me. How can I be of help to those who are just stepping into this mess, or, those who are now climbing into LimboLand which has its own set of unique and somewhat unsettling challenges? Mainly, what can I do to make that path just Go. Away. Already.??? I can get involved, I can be vocal, I can be tenacious.
What began as The Worst of Years (I am SO not kidding...... SO NOT KIDDING) ended on the highest note possible. It WAS The Best of Years. It was the year I found me. Not the me the world wants me to be, the ME I am supposed to be.... living my life, doing what stirs my passion.
I follow a blogger who lives in Yangon. She is an inspiration and I love how she begins her year. She selects three words to guide and inspire her throughout the year. They are words like vitality, adventure, wonder, resilience, laughter.
I began 2011 excavating. THAT sucked. By the middle of the year, I was preparing the materials for a foundation. That was a bit frightening. By he end of 2011, that foundation was poured. THAT was exciting. 2012: I will set the cornerstone and begin construction....... THAT will be exhilarating.
I've given lots of thought to the three words I would like to use as my guide through 2012. There were many but I think I am happy with Calm, Centered and Rebellious. I want to stay calm so my mind can be clear. When calm turns to chaos, I am less productive than a dog chasing its own tail. Being centered helps keep my life in balance and enables me to stay focused. And, I need to be calm and centered so I can be rebellious. I am determined to make a difference. And sometimes, the only way to shake things up, is to start a revolution. For 2012, I want to start a revolution to advance the research, treatment and ultimately the prevention of breast cancer. I suppose I am initiating a calm, centered rebellion against the status quo.
What are your three words? I challenge you to share them with me.
Happy New Year!!!
AnneMarie
http://chemo-brain.blogspot.com/
find me on twitter @chemobrainfog