Any relationship, just like any person, has its weak spots. Even in the best relationships, it’s not uncommon to find the occasional screaming match or day of fighting. But some bad relationship habits are more damaging than others. Domestic violence, emotional abuse, and other seriously wrong behaviors will quickly destroy a relationship as well as a person. Common, everyday behaviors that may seem innocuous, however, can be almost as damaging. Here are the five worst—and most common—relationship bad habits.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is the process of avoiding conflict and discussion by any means necessary, including leaving after a fight, becoming completely silent when the other person is talking, or lying about feelings. Stonewalling makes it uncomfortable, if not impossible, for your partner to talk about his feelings, and it decreases honesty in relationships. Perhaps most importantly, stonewalling completely eliminates the possibility of talking through and resolving a problem, and thus increases conflict over time.
Negativity
We all feel blue sometimes and many of us criticize our partner and find ourselves later regretting what we said. But a constant stream of negativity directed at your partner will quickly tear down a relationship. Relationship advice columnist Dan Savage often refers to the “price of admission” in relationships. Everyone has a few annoying behaviors, but fixating on them will gradually tear down your respect for your partner. More importantly, the inability to turn a blind eye to annoying behaviors and focus on positive behaviors makes it extremely difficult to muddle through challenging times. Negativity, in short, limits your ability to appreciate and love your partner, and can make your partner feel terrible about himself.
Coldness
Coldness refers to physical and psychological distance from your partner. All too often, relationships get stuck in ruts. Partners stop kissing, talking to each other, or leaning on one another for support. Coldness tends to beget coldness, and the more you neglect your partner, the less close to one another you’ll feel. While every relationship has dark periods where partners are unkind to one another, pervasive distance will slowly eat away at a healthy relationship, so make an effort to reach out to your partner—both physically and emotionally—every day.
Contempt
Relationship expert John Gottman is well-known for his ability to predict the success of a marriage after seeing only a few of the couple’s interactions. Contempt, according to Gottman, is the biggest predictor of divorce. Unlike negativity and coldness, contempt can pervade a couple’s relationship even when the couple is otherwise happy. Mocking the other person’s feelings, rolling your eyes, and calling the other person names are all examples of contempt. Contempt negates your partner’s humanity at a fundamental level and encourages a couple not to treat one another like treasured equals, but instead as interlopers into one another’s lives. Thus, for Gottman, contempt is the most significant predictor of divorce.
Defensiveness
The danger of defensiveness is a relatively simple one. If one partner is constantly defensive, the other partner never has a safe, nurturing space in which to discuss problems. Defensiveness includes a number of behaviors, including:
• Denying that you did anything wrong or minimizing how bad it was
• “Kitchen sinking”—the process of bringing up every old grievance you have with your partner
• Attacking your partner by telling her she does it, too
• Using the grievance against your partner; for example, a husband might get mad at his wife for getting mad at him.
We’re all defensive from time to time, but consistent defensiveness can limit your ability to communicate with your partner as much as stonewalling. It can also, in extreme cases, be a form of abuse that causes your partner to question her perception of reality and her self-worth.
Sources:
Miller, R. S. (2011). Intimate relationships. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.
Savage, D. (2006). The commitment: Love, sex, marriage, and my family. New York, NY:
Plume.
Silver, N. , Gottman, J. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Toronto, ON:
Random House.
Edited by Jody Smith