As any parent knows, the world can be a scary place for teenage girls, and adolescent women are the most likely group to be sexually victimized.
But all too often, discussions of rape prevention put all of the focus on women by telling them to avoid certain locations, avoid staying out late, or only wear modest clothes.
This practice can leave women feeling terrified in the world and is unlikely to prevent sexual victimization. But you do still need to talk to your daughter about sexual assault.
While nothing you do, short of permanently locking her in a cell, is a guarantee of safety, ongoing conversations about sex and sexual consent can greatly increase your daughter’s likelihood of escaping her teenage years unharmed.
Talking About Sex
Before you talk to your daughter about rape, you need to talk to her about sex. Many parents attempt to roll the sex and rape talks into one discussion, and the result is a child who is terrified of both.
Fear does nothing to help your daughter and can actually increase her likelihood of victimization. Equally important, as uncomfortable as it may be, it’s important for your daughter to understand that sex should be pleasurable.
If she comprehends that sex is a mutually satisfying, loving experience, she’s much less likely to give in to pressure and will more easily recognize the difference between sex and rape.
Safety Tips
Teenagers can be amazingly unaware of the risks of the world. Don’t assume that your daughter has common sense about danger, because the odds are good that when she’s getting pressure from her friends — or a cute boy — her common sense is likely to go flying out the window.
Talk specifically and explicitly about methods for staying safe, and be sure to offer the following advice:
• Never go anywhere with someone you don’t know very well. Someone you met an hour ago is not someone you know very well.
• Travel in groups as much as possible, and if you separate from your friends, establish a clear time to meet back up that’s no more than an hour in the future.
While it may be against your rules for your daughter to go off somewhere with a boy, it’s likely she’ll do it at some point. Helping her understand how to minimize the risk of this practice is an important part of keeping her safe.
• Always keep your cell phone charged and accessible.
• Never accept a drink from anyone you don’t know, and never leave your drink unattended, even for a few moments.
• Practice saying “No.” Oftentimes it can be difficult to say no to a popular or cute boy, and the interaction may go much further than your daughter would otherwise want it to.
Help her strategize face-saving excuses such as, “I’m on my period.” When it comes to your daughter’s safety, absolute honesty doesn’t need to apply. She just needs to implement strategies that work for her.
Tips for the Talk
It can be hard to talk to your child about sex and even more challenging to contemplate that your daughter could become a victim.
Here are a few things to consider when talking to her about rape and sexual consent:
• Don’t have just one talk. This can be too much information for your child to digest. Instead, talk frequently about the topic for short periods of time.
Don’t try to talk to your child when she’s angry with you or otherwise distracted. Instead, wait for a time when she’s already talkative and feeling comfortable.
• Listen to your daughter’s feelings, even if you disagree with them. Children who learn to be assertive are better-equipped to be able to say no. Your daughter is also more likely to confide in you if she knows she can trust you not to judge her.
• Don’t use scare tactics. Instead, present risks in an honest way.
• Emphasize that rape is never the victim’s fault. Rape is an attempt by a criminal to gain power over someone.
It doesn’t matter what she wore, what she said, or if she broke a rule. The only person to blame for a rape is the rapist.
• Emphasize that strangers aren’t the people who pose the most risk. Instead, teenagers are more likely to be victimized by an acquaintance such as a boy she met at the mall or a new boyfriend.
Instilling fear of strangers can inadvertently teach your daughter that acquaintances are trustworthy.
• Emphasize that rapists don’t have a particular look or demeanor, and they may be very nice. Someone who wants to take advantage of you, in fact, is much more likely to be nice in an attempt to gain your trust.
• Teach your daughter to trust her instincts. If something seems unsafe — even if she can’t figure out why — it may very well be. You can help her develop strong instincts by listening to her when she expresses her opinions and asking for her input on family decisions whenever possible.
References:
Friedman, J., Valenti, J. (2008). Yes means yes!: Visions of female sexual power & a world without rape. Berkeley, CA: Seal Press.
Talk to your teen about date rape. (n.d.). Disney Family. Retrieved from
http://family.go.com/parenting/pkg-teen/article-774160-talk-to-your-teen...
Edited by Jody Smith