Helping others without expecting anything in return could have more benefits than you think.
A recent study in the journal BMC Evolutionary Biology suggests that women and men both find selflessness or altruism to be attractive traits in potential long-term romantic partners.
However, altruistic behavior didn’t really impact the participants’ choices in partners so much when it came to short flings.
“Helping behaviours may be attractive because they signal ‘good genes’ and/or because they are perceived as a signal of likely provision of non-genetic benefits (e.g. parental care),” the study concluded.
If you are interested in becoming more selfless and altruistic in your daily life (not necessarily just to attract a potential significant other) experts have some tips.
Stephanie Manes, a New York couples and individual therapist, said in an email that she has noticed her male and female clients put importance on the quality of selflessness in a potential mate.
“For many of my patients, particularly women, it implies a level of sensitivity which is really attractive,” Manes said.
It's mot only women that value these qualities. Manes said that a male patient of hers would talk about his girlfriend caring for her grandparents.
“For him, it meant that she really cared about family and would probably bring the same quality to children they might have in the future,” Manes said. “At a more subtle level, seeing someone giving to others suggests a mind-set of abundance -- they have enough resources (monetary or emotional) to be generous.”
“That sense of plenty gives many people a feeling of safety and optimism that is really appealing,” she added.
Manes has some tips for becoming more altruistic in your daily life.
1) “Selflessness really requires us to suspend our own agenda and let someone else take center stage. This is more than just a one-off, helping someone across the road kind of thing. We need to cultivate a whole mindset of empathy so that we actually see when the opportunity to help others is opening up.”
2) “One of the most basic (but at times hardest) ways to do this is by practicing intentional listening. I think selflessness is fundamentally an act of listening, because it means you are going outside the fence of your own self-interest to attend to someone else’s reality. You are actively stepping out of your own shoes and into those of another.”
3) “When you are having a conversation with someone and they are trying to communicate their perspective on something, try to hold your judgments or reactions off stage for long enough that you can actually hear that they are saying, as they mean it.”
Andrea Chilcote, business author and CEO of Morningstar Ventures, a professional
coaching consultancy, said in an email that becoming more altruistic actually requires self-analysis.
“Consider your personal talents, experiences and wisdom and how they can be used to positively to impact the lives of others,” Chilcote said. “Really uncover what you're good at, what you enjoy, and ways those two elements can meet to add value to others.”
For example, if you’re gifted at writing, you could volunteer in the blogging and social media department at a nonprofit organization.
“By nature, we tend to seek purposefulness,” Chilcote said.
“The selfless desire to use our gifts to help others is ingrained in all of us and is necessary as we pursue an overall sense of fulfillment and wellness. Assess your capabilities and tailor your impact based on what you do best.”
Ron Black, a licensed clinical social worker and president of ce-classes.com, said in an email that he suggests doing one selfless act for someone else every day to become more altruistic. This includes something as small as holding the door open for someone.
“The next step would be to act in a selfless manner by doing something (action is required) for someone the person knows (and possibly loves) every day,” Black said.
You could then increase the number of selfless acts you do per day from one to five.
“The progression would continue by having the person make a commitment (at least six months, preferably a year) to selflessness by joining a volunteer organization and providing time and energy (not money) to that organization,” Black said.
Sources:
Moore, David and Wigby, Stuart, et al. Selflessness is sexy: reported helping behaviour increases desirability of men and women as long-term sexual partners. BMC Evolutionary Biology. September 19, 2013. Web.
http://www.biomedcentral.com/content/pdf/1471-2148-13-182.pdf.
Abstract: http://www.biomedcentral.com/1471-2148/13/182/abstract
Medical Xpress. Selflessness can be attractive to a potential mate. Web. September 18, 2013.
http://medicalxpress.com/news/2013-09-selflessness-potential.html
Manes, Stephanie. Email interview. September 18, 2013.
http://www.stephaniemaneslcsw.com
Chilcote, Andrea. Email interview. September 18, 2013.
http://morningstarventures.com
Black, Ron. Email interview. September 18, 2013.
http://ce-classes.com/who-we-are
Reviewed September 19, 2013
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith