Achieving a healthy and satisfying sex life doesn't just magically happen. You have to talk about it with your partner.
“Don't be afraid to be vulnerable and talk with your partner about sex. If you don't risk anything in your relationship, you can't have the growth, love and intimacy you want,” sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman told Oprah.com.
Find a time when both partners are relaxed and don’t have to be anywhere. Don’t talk about the subject in bed. Choose a pleasant but neutral place.
Set a time limit. 15-minute conversations on the topic may make it easier to stay within your emotional comfort zones.
Make "I” statements; not “you” statements. Therapist Todd Creager told Women’s Day, “Instead of saying, ‘You never give me enough foreplay,’ say, ‘I would like more touching and caressing time before we move to the main event.’”
Ask your partner to read certain sections from book about women's sexual health that touch on your questions and concerns. Talking about movie scenes is another option to start a discussion. Be specific about what you want. If don’t know what that is, you can’t communicate it to your partner.
For guys, giving positive feedback is really important. Tell them what you like and want more of, not what they might be doing wrong.
Discuss physical and/or emotional changes. Are physical changes, such as changes after surgery or hormonal changes, affecting your sex life? Also address emotional factors such as stress or depression that may interfere with enjoying sexual activity.
Realize that he doesn’t automatically know how to please you. What once worked back in the day may not anymore due to a changing body or a change in preferences. If you don’t tell him what works or doesn’t work for you, how will he know?
In any long-term relationship, couples may experience differing levels of sexual desire. Talk about this.
If you've lost your desire for sex, start by explaining what you are feeling. Acknowledge that your partner still has needs and that you’re willing to find solutions so both of your needs can be met.
If it’s your partner who has lost their desire for sex, recognize that it’s okay if this is how they feel, but that you have needs which are not being met. Try to find solutions that are agreeable to you both.
Be open to hearing your partner's requests and negotiating differences if one partner is uncomfortable with the other's request. And remember, this isn’t a one-time conversation. Talking about your sex life is an ongoing discussion.
Sources:
"Embracing your New Sexual Self." Women to Women Transforming womens health naturally. N.p., n.d. Web. 1 Dec. 2013.
http://www.womentowomen.com/menopause-perimenopause/embracing-your-new-sexual-self
Schipani, Denise. "How to Talk to Your Husband About Sex." Woman's Day. N.p., n.d. Web. 1 Dec. 2013.
http://www.womansday.com/sex-relationships/sex-tips/how-to-talk-to-your-husband-about-sex-103378
"Talking about sex and your sexual needs." - Cancer Information. N.p., n.d. Web. 1 Dec. 2013.
http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Livingwithandaftercancer/Relationshipscommunication/Sexuality/Talkingaboutsex.aspx
"Talking about sex with your partner." Talking about sex with your partner. N.p., n.d. Web. 1 Dec. 2013.
http://www.sandyford.org/adults,-parents--carers/ageing-well/talking-about-sex-with-your-partner.aspx
"Talking to Your Partner About Sex." Oprah.com. N.p., n.d. Web. 1 Dec. 2013.
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Talking-to-Your-Partner-About-Sex
"Women's sexual health: Talking about your sexual needs." Mayo Clinic. Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 2 Apr. 2011. Web. 1 Dec. 2013.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/womens-sexual-health/MY00513/NSECTIONGROUP=2
Reviewed December 5, 2013
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith