As usual, this article was borne out of a current life circumstance for me and my household. I know I’m not the only parent to have lost her cool with a child ... or children. The challenge is to get angry the right way so that the teachable moment won’t be lost.
Not Yelling -- Good in Theory, Hard to Practice
Most parents recognize in their cooler, normal-tempered moments that staying calm during an altercation, argument or disagreement with their children is the Golden Rule. Resolve things logically and without raising your voice.
But most parents also recognize how seemingly impossible this ideal becomes when your child has challenged pretty much every rule you’ve ever made and seems to enjoy doing it to get you as mad as possible—at least, that’s what it seems.
It’s also difficult to break the habits of how we were raised. Raised voices may have been socially acceptable then, but is frowned upon and even a reportable offense nowadays.
It is in this climate, Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions says, that parents “are at a loss for what they can do. They resort to reminding, nagging, timeout, counting 1-2-3 and quickly realize that those strategies don’t work to change behavior. In the absence of tools that really work, they feel frustrated and angry and raise their voice ...” (3)
How Yelling Hurts Children
According to a study conducted in Dubai, India and in the United States done by the University of Pittsburg and the University of Michigan, yelling may not be as harmless as we think. In fact, it may have the same kind of psychological impact on a child’s self-esteem and the parent-child relationship as physical forms of punishment.
Dr. Amy Bailey, clinical psychologist at kidsFIRST Medical Center, in Dubai said, “Though it may not create the same physical scars, research has clearly indicated that emotional and verbal abuse is as damaging to a child’s psychological well-being as physical abuse. Children who have experienced persistent emotional abuse tend to emotionally withdraw as they are frightened of what reaction their presence will have on others.” (4)
Dr. Deema Sihweil, clinical psychologist at Human Relations Institute & Clinics in Dubai said, “Children perceive shouting as a threat to their sense of security, safety and confidence ... Shouting doesn’t get the message across to children, young or old, because children are too busy defending themselves from a perceived or real danger and totally miss the point ...”
Relationship Coach Maria Chatila warned that the adrenalin that courses through a child’s body as a result of fear of being yelled at limits the child’s thinking capacity. (2)
The Alternative to Yelling
Director of the Child Mind Institute Dr. Melanie A. Fernandez said, though, that not yelling doesn’t mean parents are letting kids get away with bad or disrespectful behavior. “It’s still important to be firm. Disrespectful language is not OK, but addressing this behavior calmly has benefits.” (1)
Dr. Sihweil reassures parents that “[o]ccasional shouting won’t have major long-term effects, especially when parents make a point of apologizing and correcting their response to whatever the child may have done to provoke them.”
Chatila suggested that parents look at shouting like a fire alarm. It should be used with caution and only when a child is in danger. A firm, calm and compassionate tone when instructing or addressing bad or inappropriate behavior in children helps develop childrens' strength and vigilance.
However, Steven Schlozman, M.D., an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and a staff child psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital said that we should be careful about drawing the conclusion that all yelling is bad for our kids. He said that there is a difference between verbally berating kids on a semi-regular basis and a once-in-a-while lost temper.
Dr. Schlozman said that we all lose our tempers and when that happens, we yell. Going the other way and not showing anger or raising your voice to your children means that your children don’t learn how to deal with a lost temper and making amends after an expression of temper.
Kids need to know why you got angry and raised your voice. They also need to see you make amends with them so they will know that they need to make amends with other people and learn to admit when they’ve made a mistake. (3)
When you do raise your voice to your kids, don’t be condescending, humiliating or insulting to your child. Once you calm down, explain to your child why you got so mad and talk about how you both can make changes so that you don’t get angry like that again.
Sources:
1. Stop Yelling! Arky, Beth. Child Mind Institute. Web. Accessed: Jan 13, 2014.
http://www.childmind.org/en/posts/articles/2012-3-13-stop-yelling
2. What effect does yelling have on your child? Lewis, Rachel. The National. Web. Accessed: Jan 13, 2014.
http://www.thenational.ae/lifestyle/family/what-effect-does-yelling-have-on-your-child
3. Study: Yelling At Kids Comparable to Physical Punishment. Zimmerman, Rachel. Common Health. Web. Accessed: Jan 13, 2014.
http://commonhealth.wbur.org/2013/09/yelling-at-kids-comparable-physical-punishment-study
4. The right way to be angry with your child. The National. Accessed: Jan 13, 2014.
http://www.thenational.ae/lifestyle/family/the-right-way-to-be-angry-with-your-child
Reviewed January 14, 2014
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith