Sibling rivalry is what happens when feelings of jealousy and competition erupts between brothers and sisters, often leading to fights and arguments. (1) Sibling conflict has been reported even from early Bible times as Joseph’s brothers (the Joseph with a coat of many colors) sold him into slavery.
Every parent knows that each child is different with a different personality and different way of viewing and processing the world around them — that’s why no one method of parenting works precisely the same way with every child.
Why, then, have we succumbed to the idea that each child needs to be treated the same as every other child?
For example, a 4-year-old may whine about having to go to bed earlier than their 10-year-old brother or sister. Obviously, a 4-year-old’s needs are different, and they just need to accept that difference.
It’s not unusual for children to fight. It is said that everyone in a love relationship fights. Sometimes parents need to intervene, sometimes kids need to be left to resolve issues themselves. It’s difficult to find that boundary.
Reasons for Sibling Rivalry
Supernanny, Judy Arnall, describes four types of sibling conflict and says that “each is driven by an underlying feeling ... most all relationship fights are generally about feelings, and not so much about the presenting issues.”
• Boredom
• Need for attention
• Sharing or perceived victimization
• Pent-up resentment
The key is knowing how to respond to these situations in a way that diffuses the anger and frustration, and redirects your children, teaching them healthy ways of dealing with situations.
Dealing with Sibling Rivalry
“[T]he best way to deal with sibling fights is to deal head on with the feelings, rather than the issue.” (2) After all, it’s not the feelings that are wrong, it’s kids’ expression of and ways of dealing with those emotions. It’s important that kids learn to respect and accept their siblings’ feelings and to learn how to express their own feelings without hurting someone else’s.
In the case of sibling conflict brought on by boredom, avoid the options of ignoring or punishing your child. This is when you need to get involved with your children and help get them engaged in an activity, something they can work together on or work separately on.
Just like you need time-outs from your kids, your kids need time-outs from each other. So sometimes it’s just good for each child to get some time alone.
When sibling conflict arises out of a child’s need for attention — attention getting mechanism (AGM) — it is often very tempting to react negatively to the child’s behavior or punish the child for it. But this is precisely what you shouldn’t do.
Instead, “[a]void punishments ... [i]gnore the fighting, but give more individual time and attention later when the fighting has subsided ... Acknowledge pleasant sibling interactions when they occur.” (2)
If your child feels like he’s being picked on, “[a]ccept and acknowledge each child’s feelings and point of view and try to help them express it to the other child.” (2) Act as a broker to help them generate solutions instead of telling them the solution. This is a way to teach problem-solving skills, anger management strategies and self-calming techniques.
Unhelpful parenting strategies include:
• Making comparisons – “When so-and-so was your age…”
Again, each child is unique and “resents being evaluated only in relation to someone else.” (3) (Don’t we all?)
• Dismissing or suppressing feelings of resentment or anger –
Anger is a completely normal part of being human. Hopefully, as adults we have learned to control our anger and have learned when to react and how to react. Kids need to be taught this too, that it’s okay to be angry, just not to hit when they’re angry.
• Not recognizing when to intervene and when to stay out of it –
“If they’re expressing their own needs and feelings without hurting the other, you can let them try to work it out between them ... if they cross into name calling, wicked words and mean behavior, that’s the time to intervene.” (4)
Unhelpful parenting strategies can lead to sibling rivalry that comes out of built-up resentment. When your kids get to this stage, it’s still best (even though difficult) to avoid labels and comparisons, to encourage each child’s accomplishments and efforts, and accept and acknowledge each child’s feelings. (2)
Here are some more helpful sibling rivalry parenting tips.
“[R]emember, you do not have to maintain equality at all times. Just commit yourself to giving only what each child needs.” (2)
Handled right, sibling fights can be a teachable moment where your kids can learn how to deal with their emotions and resolve conflict (eventually) on their own, but only if we show them, constructively, how.
Sources:
1. Sibling Rivalry. YourChild Development & Behavior Resources: A Guide to Information & Support for Parents. University of Michigan Health System. Web. Accessed: Feb 28, 2014
http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibriv.htm
2. Sibling Rivalry Remedies. SuperNanny.co.uk. Web. Accessed: Feb 28, 2014.
http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-/Family-Matters/-/Relationships/Sibling-rivalry-remedies.aspx
3. Handling Sibling Rivalry. Child Development Institute. Web. Accessed: Feb 28, 2014.
http://childdevelopmentinfo.com/ages-stages/school-age-children-development-parenting-tips/sibling_rivalry
4. Words That Hurt: Dealing with Sibling Rivalry. Stern, Joanne. Psychology Today. Web. Accessed: Feb 28, 2014.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/parenting-is-contact-sport/201103/words-hurt-dealing-sibling-rivalry
Reviewed February 28, 2014
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith