I am writing to hopefully get some idea of what I am actually experiencing and if there is anything I am missing to salvage my marriage. I have been married for one year, we courted, no sexual intercourse, no fornication, just two Christians, ministry-driven, who wanted to be in a covenant marriage before God. What has happened from almost day one, is that I am constantly subject to the attacks of his verbal abuse. To the point where I feel that I am being intimated, bullied, controlled, he won't allow me to express my opinions, he has caused me so much pain from his mouth, that I have lost my faith in marriage, and my love for him. I have prayed to God that the situation would change, that the Lord would change his heart, but it is a work that is long in progress that I have lost belief that it will happen in time for me to not lose all spirit and soul.
He believes it is okay to constantly ask me what I am doing, why I am doing it, when I am doing it, who I am doing it with, what is the motive, too many non-typical questions almost an interrogating behavior if you will. I feel that when I am being verbally interrogated and bullied, I become defensive. For a Christian man to let things come out of his mouth that are not edifying at all, regardless of our faults, is just beyond me. I can first start off with the issue of wet cat food. He had a fit when I started to feed my cat wet food, an absolute fit. He doesn't trust that when I call about something I need information on, that I have gotten the correct information. I have been spoken to with 'f---- you,' grabbed by the arms because he was trying to get my attention, yelled at for putting other coins besides quarters in a jar, yelled at for not cooking him his meals on time, and when I do cook then, he isn't home to eat. He has pulled me out of fantastic fellowship and ministry opportunities with people I love. I have requested a very specific type of ministry qualification, and he squashed that stating that it has to be voted on by several of his 'wise counsel.' By, when the Lord leads you into something, he wants you to do it to your fullest potential, and to enjoy it. I got in trouble this a.m. for getting out of bed at 5:30 in the morning and woke him up. I can't even walk through my house when I want without being bullied. He doesn't want me touching his stuff when I am cleaning. But, his stuff has sat, and sat and sat for months and he won't do anything with it. If I touch something, I am in fear of being put down and verbally assassinated. He has gotten into arguments with my spiritual leadership, yelling and screaming at them, he starting immediately taking large amounts of money out of the bank, and so I had to get myself another account to protect my money. He paid a huge bill off without me knowing about it. He went and opened up his own account after 'the Lord told him to take the money and open a new bank account, deceiving me.' He knew that I opened another bank account. He won't help me fix my car, saying that it's my issue. He makes fun of me constantly about my anti-depressant medication, and it got so bad, that I actually tried to overdose. I felt worthless. I feel the power of God working in my life, but this is not a fruit of the spirit. This is not long-suffering. I don't see any fruits of the spirit in him. He hears from the Lord about very bizarre stuff, and I know that hearing from the Lord should be what is edifying, encouraging, righteous, loving, truthful, honest.... I got in trouble for walking into another department in a store when he went to use the restroom. I got in trouble for saying I was thirsty after we had left an establishment. I couldn't go to the bathroom the other day because he said I needed to leave with him. He wouldn't even give me 5 minutes to do my business. I'm so tired of his verbal abuse, that I don't think I can take it any more. It's every single day. These items are the ones that have hit me at the top of my head, however, every single day it is something he is unsatisfied with. I feel controlled, manipulated, interrogated, bullied, and intimidated. I know that divorce is not really an option in Christian marriage and covenant with God, but I feel that my soul and spirit are now beginning to suffer so badly that I almost cannot stand and say nothing anymore. Normally, I would tune this stuff out, because I don't want my spirit getting out of line, but I am starting to feel defensive, accosted. I can't help but think that I need to leave this marriage, it isn't going to get better. Never. I pray that someone will come forward and be a good resource for me. I'm so emotionally tattered that I'm just at the point where I have one foot out the door. He is constantly badgering me. Constantly. Best....