In my article Discipline or Punishment? They're Not the Same Thing, we looked at the difference between discipline and punishment. We considered the effects that each has on children and on the relationship between parent and child.
Many parents are probably still wondering, “Well, what do you recommend then?”
Effective discipline teaches children life-management skills, self-control, self-direction, and how to care for others. (1) In order to teach all this and empower our children with the life skills they need, effective discipline must include three critical elements.
Effective Discipline Strategy: Positive Parent-Child Relationships
Children need an environment where there is a positive and supportive parent-child relationship which makes the children feel loved and secure. They know that an able adult is taking care of them and that their environment with that adult or adults is stable.
This knowledge is integral to a child’s feeling of self-worth. When a parent acts or reacts within this context, “children respond to the positive nature of the relationship and consistent discipline, the need for frequent negative interaction decreases, and the quality of the relationship improves further for both parents and children.” (1)
Effective Discipline Strategy: Proactively Teach Right Behaviors
The focal point of discipline is teaching children appropriate behavior or reactions to life or family situations.
It is hoped that a proactively approach will, hopefully, in turn result in positive interpersonal relationships with teachers, peers and others, and increase a child’s sense of self-discipline and self-esteem. To teach these expectations, parents need to describe the desired behavior and actions/reactions to the child so the child understands what the parent expects. (1)
Sometimes we as parents make the mistake of assuming our children already know the rules because we’ve yelled at them before for disobeying them.
But think about it. Have you actually explained the rule and the consequences (not punishment or physical punishment) of not following that rule?
If not, your child may not actually understand what you expect or why that behavior or action was wrong. Children need to know why to establish whatever you’re teaching as a life principle and apply it to other relationships.
Reacting and Addressing Inappropriate Behavior
If the undesirable behavior happens again -- after all, children will be children, and children with special needs may need repeated reinforcement -- parents need to notice these behaviors in a positive way that strengthens and refines the rule. They should reinforce the expected way of following that rule, for example: sharing, good manners, empathy, etc.
Undesirable behaviors are behaviors that place the child or someone else in danger, are disobedient and in defiance of the parent’s instructions, and impede a child’s success in making friends or getting along with others. (1)
Strategies to address undesirable behavior may include time-out or removal of privileges/logical consequences. Once strategies one and two are in place, you're still not done. For these methods to work, the parent needs to:
• Enforce the stated consequence immediately when the undesirable behavior happens, and then consistently if the problem recurs
• Instruct the child calmly, respectful of their feelings and perception of things, while teaching them the life principle
• Explain why the consequence is necessary at the time of follow-through
These three main discipline principles need to be used together for discipline to be effective.
What can makesthis tough to follow through on are those times when our kids are jumping on every single one of our nerves or pushing more buttons than you thought you had. But it’s your calm, consistent demeanor and message that’s going to make the most difference in teaching them the behavior you want to see.
And, in the end, when we demonstrate this control over our emotions, they will also learn appropriate ways of dealing with their emotions. This, in addition to whatever principle we’re trying to teach at the time, creates a win-win scenario for you and your children.
Sources:
1. Guidance for Effective Discipline. Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health. American Academy of Pediatrics. Pediatrics Vol. 101 No. 4 April 1, 1998 pp. 723 -728. Web. Accessed: Sept 7, 2014.
http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/101/4/723.full
2. Effective discipline for children. Nieman, P. Shea, S. Canadian Pediatric Society. Paediatr Child Health 2004;9(1):37-41. Web. Accessed: Sept 7, 2014.
http://www.cps.ca/documents/position/discipline-for-children
3. Physical Punishment. American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. Web. Accessed: Sept 7, 2014.
http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Physical_Punishment_105.aspx
Reviewed September 15, 2014
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith