Words have power. They can uplift and edify. They can be full of praise and admiration. But they can also be critical and demoralizing.
And when it comes to saying important words to your child, it is even more important to make sure they are the right ones at the right times.
It used to be easy. Telling the child he is perfect was great, until experts said he might feel the compulsion to always strive for the never-attainable illusion of perfection.
Saying to your daughter, "You're so smart," seemed like a no-brainer until research came out linking that phrase with lack of motivation.
So what should a parent say to empower and encourage a child? Read on.
The people at Yahoo! Parenting polled experts on the subject and put together a list of key phrases parents should say to their children during the different stages of childhood.
Toddler Age: Say "Please do ..."
Toddlers are all about exploring this brave new world they have found themselves in. And along with that exploration comes the word "No," in a myriad of ways.
"No hands in the garbage!" " No, don't bite the cat!" "No, you can't have another lollipop."
Experts, especially those focused on positive parenting, say that parents should focus more on what they do want the child to do rather than on the negative.
"Please eat from the table." "Please have gentle hands." "Please eat some fruit." This approach is better tailored for a toddler's development, which means the child is more apt to execute the command.
Preschool Age: Say "Yes!"
By the time a child reaches preschool, they have heard the word "No" thousands of times. This has most likely taught them the fine art of begging, badgering and whining to get the things mom or dad said "No" to.
But what would happen if mom or dad were to say "Yes" to everything? That doesn't mean we should give them whatever they want.
If a 4-year-old wants to play his new drum set from Grandma and Grandpa but it's during his little brother's nap time, his mom could say, "Yes. I'd love to hear you play the drums. Let's do it as soon as nap time is over. "
If your child hears "Yes" more often, the begging may be reduced, however slightly.
Elementary School Age: Say " That work really paid off!"
Focusing on the child's effort over the end results is key to this group, who is probably receiving grades for the first time. Help the child to realize good results come from hard work and perseverance, and not just inherited intelligence or luck.
Tweens: Say "I hear you ..."
Being empathetic is key in this stage. Tweens don't necessarily want their parents to fix the bad things in their lives, they may only want to vent about them. Be ready to just listen and reassure them that you are on their side.
When you say "I hear you," this can usher in mutual understanding and respect between you and your tween, which are two difficult things to come by in this stage.
Teens: Say "What's your plan?"
Helping teenagers develop critical thinking skills will be key for them in high school, college and beyond. While they don't have all the skills necessary to always make the right decisions, asking their plan to solve a particular issue shows they are trusted. They may then strive to live up to the expectations that trust implies.
Parents can never say the perfect thing at the perfect time, every time, but they can try to give appropriate praise and direction based on their child's age. Starting and ending with "I love you," though, is always a good thing to say at any age.
Sources:
Psychologytoday.com. Web. 29 October 20. "Pitfalls of perfection."
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200802/pitfalls-perfectionism
Yahoo.com. Web. 29 October 2014. "Words you should always say to your kids."
https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/words-you-should-always-say-to-your-kids-100094381947.html
Reviewed October 31, 2014
Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith