It’s not you, it’s me—and I’m okay with that.
First off, I’m sorry for a lot of things. Specifically, I’m sorry that I didn’t come to your graduation party. I’m sorry that I didn’t call. And I wish that either of us knew how to handle this, because I’m not sure if it needed to happen this way.
But, I know that it did and I am proud of the woman I have become from learning so much these past few years since we graduated. Yet still—I cannot help but wish things went a bit differently.
I’d like you to know a couple facts about me before you continue on, something that might have been clear, but something neither of us could say out loud in the moment. I don’t know how to have friends. I love the people I have met throughout my life and I know that friendships are possible and amazing and necessary; but it is exponentially easier for me to spend time alone than it is to be around others. This wasn’t true then, but it is now.
Another thing. I didn’t know that you actually cared. In fact, I understood your “letting me go to figure out the world for myself” as an act of negligence and lack of care. I couldn’t understand that you wanted the best for me because honestly, I had no idea what was good for me at the time anyway.
A lot happened, things we both know about but don’t need to bring up anymore. I lost myself for a while, and the distance I felt inside emanated into all of my relationships as well.
But I don’t want to stay in the past, it’s too cold and unhealthy of an environment there.
You see, someone once told me that the journey is the most important part—not the start or end point. And it sounds lame, but it’s true. I’ve seen and done some things I am truly not proud of, but I know that almost everyone can say the same thing about themselves.
So I’m sorry I didn’t act the way that you thought I should have, but I’m not sorry for the things I experienced and everything I’ve learned since our high school days. I just hope you can understand that.
P.S. I have more to say but will follow up with that another time.
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