It seems inevitable that someone we know and love will be confronted with a cancer diagnosis in his or her lifetime. I have seen several amazing women in my life be surprised by the words, “You have cancer.” They were healthy people with tons of energy. Yet there it was.
You can feel powerless when you see someone you love have to say words like “chemo” when talking about their plans for the weekend.
The fiancé of my friend Monica was saddened by her lack of energy — she is normally a vivacious fireball. Monica said, “I miss her too.” She was speaking about the version of herself that was so vibrant months ago.
The purpose of you as friend is to be with this new person, even though they may be dramatically different from the person you knew.
Although my cousin Carrol has told me that she is not being given anything she can’t handle, emotions ebb and flow, as does strength.
Monica sat down with me over Skype with a gloriously beautiful bald held and gave me some wonderful pointers that I feel can help all of us to be better friends to our warrior, cancer-battling loved ones:
1) Do visit (but call first).
At this point in your friend’s life, it will be easier for you to come to them. Do so graciously.
2) Bring food.
Monica admits, “Anything that makes this journey less exhausting is appreciated.”
Ask if there are any new dietary restrictions, which is common when one is healing. Monica adds, “Please feel free to eat things in front of me that I can't have, but don't offer them to me. If you do, it says you are testing me or not respecting me.”
3) Phone someone else for details.
Ask your friend if there is a contact person or that you can be in touch with to ask how she is doing. This is better than asking her directly.
Monica admits that the many phone calls “can be overwhelming.” Feel free to send your friend notes or emails to let her know you are thinking of her, without expecting a response.
4) Include your friend in your life.
You are still friends, and don’t leave out the details of what is going on with you.
5) Cancer is not the only conversation.
Ask your friend other questions besides how she is doing physically.
Monica says, “I don't necessarily want to talk about my cancer, but I am happy to talk about the gifts coming out of it. If you’re strong enough, please ask how I am doing emotionally. Please let me be afraid, or sad, or angry in your presence.”
6) Don't say, "I know you're strong."
This is a common thing to say, but it does put pressure on the person who is going through cancer treatments to put on a brave face. It puts a label on a person and shows them that you need your friend to convince you that they are well.
“I am strong,” says Monica, “but also human.”
7) Don’t say that you are sorry again and again.
This can be conversation filler, but it isn’t helpful. Plus, Monica told me that she isn’t sorry.
“This journey is allowing me to do what I do best, learn and grow. Please don't tell me it's going to be okay. It already is okay,” she says.
8) Don't hold it against your friend if you don’t hear back from her in a timely manner.
This is a very particular circumstance and you have to be conscious of giving your friend some slack.
“Chemo has made me exhausted more than I ever thought I could possibly feel,” Monica says.
9) Drop the caregiver or partner a Thank-you note or small gift.
They are often neglected during this time. Feel free to invite them out for dinner and drinks without your friend, especially if you have her encouragement. Caregivers are often cast to the side and they need special attention every once in awhile.
10) Hugs, hugs, hugs!
You may have to hug lighter, but don't stop doing it.
Reviewed August 5, 2016
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith