Doing It All Alone

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Patterns in relationships, as in any other area of life, can be cemented so firmly in our daily lives that before we know how unhealthy they are, they seem permanent. A pattern of fighting over money or child rearing techniques, a pattern of care taking or bill paying, or a pattern of resentment or kind, accepting attitudes. All of these can become habitual and, in the long run, affect your emotional and physical health in ways you may not realize.

So many women feel they are alone within their relationships. Whether they are with a man, with a woman, are a single mother raising a child or children, or a daughter caring for aging parents, women often feel they are "doing it all alone." The question comes up over and over again in literature, philosophy and real life: "Why?" Aren't there real, valid, sociological reasons for why women feel they are doing everything alone? Or is it just a function of practicality; women realizing that yes, even though I'm sick with a temperature of 102, I still DO need to go grocery shopping, get up with the baby, get my paycheck this week and clean the toilet. So many women instinctively know there isn't really an option of when to pay bills, feed children and protect and care for people.

Studies show that in teenagers, depression and rage manifest in boys as aggression toward others while these same emotions tend to manifest as aggression toward one's self in girls. Girls tend to cut themselves, starve themselves and become substance abusers rather than commit crimes, get into physical altercations or destroy property.

Each person is unique, and of course this isn't true for every young man or woman, but the underlying feeling of the situation found in teens is common in adult arenas as well. Women tend to internalize their negative emotions, to turn inward and either blame themselves or seethe silently with resentment toward the person or people who are not helping them around the house, with money, their time, effort, friendship or emotional support.

Letting people in on the secrets of isolation can help many of us overcome the sense that we are doing it all alone. By opening up and being calm yet honest about our need and wish for more time, more help and more input from the people in our lives, we may be able to learn how to give in a healthier way. Asking for assistance and partnership doesn't have to equal being demanding or mean as many of us fear it may.

Refusing to communicate about feeling alone can easily cause a toxic build up of resentful feelings, a reservoir of unexpressed disappointment and hurt that is the hallmark of all sorts of emotional and physical ailments and can ultimately be the undoing of every type of relationship.

If you commit yourself to communication you are committing yourself to working hard not only to be there for people, but also to let them into your world, needs and wants. While it may seem frightening at first, in the long run, isn't this better than doing it all alone?

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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.