Gal Pals No More: Breaking Up With a Friend

By SusanC HERWriter Guide

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We’ve all read dozens of articles (okay, hundreds) on how to break up with a spouse, partner, girlfriend or boyfriend. The do's and the don’t's, what’s best and what’s not. And even though we may not like the fact that it’s over – or even the whys – it’s romance. And all’s fair in love and war. Romance is a crazy thing; sometimes there are no explanations.

But friendship is another story altogether. When we want to break up with a friend, it can actually be far more difficult. Friendships end for many reasons. We simply drift, some connections come to a natural end, a fight can change the entire dynamic or dramatic life changes (death, health, children, marriage, relocation, a death) can force a friendship to finish. Or the friendship has become toxic, unsupportive and simply not fun anymore.

There are tips that can help:

Don’t end a friendship in the heat of the moment, as much as you may want to. You’ll come off as immature and incapable of hashing things out in a dignified manner. Take a cooling off period and evaluate your situation. Weigh the pros and cons of not seeing this person anymore.

Decide on the extent of the breakup. Do you ever want to see this person again? Are you okay with the occasional polite email? Would meeting a few times a year be okay or is this breakup going to be complete and permanent?

Keep mutual friends in mind. Do not discuss the story with mutual friends – it’ll start gossip no matter how much these friends say they can keep neutral. They can’t . For a shoulder to lean on and for advice, lean on your spouse or partner and choose friends to chat about it with that are not in common with your break up person.

Stop the contact. Don’t call or email and don’t offer nights out or activities to do together. Hopefully they’ll get the hint.

If your friend confronts you on why you are no longer in contact, take a deep breath and have the talk. The “talk” not the email. Our body language is how we truly communicate so a phone call or meet up is far better. Most of us would prefer the phone call! Ignoring things if asked for a reason, will leave a bad taste in your mouth and things will remain unresolved. So it’s time to put those big girl panties on and explain your reasons without any name calling. Advise her that neither of you have much in common anymore and although you respect her as a person, you feel you’d both be happier if less time was spent together. If you are genuinely hurt by her actions, tell her. Otherwise she’ll never know and learn. Instead of pointing at her and saying what’s wrong with her, tell her how her words and actions have made you feel. It’s okay to voice your anger or hurt. And don’t allow yourself to be forced back into the friendship. If it’s over, it’s over. You can also go ahead and tell her she’s nasty to others and has a bad attitude (and you have the right to do that if that’s why you feel) but keeping a semi-positive spin on a negative situation will allow you both to walk away, knowing the friendship is over but without that bitter aftertaste.

Let mutual friends know over time that you’re not friendly with your ex any longer. Don’t make grand announcements or say it’s either you or her. Simply bring it up if a mutual meeting (a party, for instance) with your ex is inevitable and don’t go into details. If she does, that’s her option, but don’t go down that road with mutual friends. It’s just not worth it. Sometimes we just need to get it out--the frustrations and a bit of name-calling to boot. We’re sisters, not saints! Just keep the bitching sessions to your friends who don’t know her.

And when the inevitable chance meeting or unavoidable get together happens – stay polite and stay pleasant. But keep it short. You’ve made your point in a decent and dignified way; you’ve done the right thing. And if by some chance the friendship is resurrected - even years later - remember that we women have long memories! If the breakup was civil, there will be no humble pie to eat or words to try to take back. She won't have to apologize for comparing your face to her Pug's, and you won't have to take back that plastic surgery dig either.

Many breakups will remain permanent and that’s okay! We’re not all a good match for each other and friendships should never be forced. But some of us may get back together again – so keeping the original breakup as decent as possible will at least allow a small window to open, if not the whole door.

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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.