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I just read a rather horrifying story about arrests being made at a huge birthday party on Ohio, after a drunken fight involving 75 of the 150 guests attending. It was so bad that the first police responders had to wait for reinforcement before taking control, due to flying bottles and glass shards everywhere. Tables and chairs were upturned, and the rented hall became a blitz of brawling party goers that ended up with several arrests (and even more hospitalizations) and a very frightened centerpiece of the party – the birthday girl. Who, incidentally, is three years old.
I’m not sure who throws a party for a three year old with 150 guests (I had about half that number at my wedding) but it’s all a personal choice, often with a cultural spin thrown in. But this fight didn’t have anything to do with culture or the overblown guest list. It began between the child’s father and the child’s mother’s boyfriend.
It’s unclear as to what was going on between both men but it’s likely that it was the typical dynamic of parents of children living apart, and new love interests moving into the picture. Perhaps the father feared being overtaken by a new “daddy” or wanted to reunite with the mother. Perhaps the mother taunted the father or the boyfriend was the instigator. Perhaps everyone got drunk and turned into morons. Whatever the trigger, it’s clear that this story brings to light the delicacies of blended families or relationships, that can be very tricky. Many blended relationships work well, but many others end up with children feeling just like the little birthday girl in this story – lost, unheard and caught in the middle of adults who don’t put their children first.
So it begs the question – how does a parent introduce a new boyfriend to her children, and how does she approach it with her ex – her childrens' father? Very carefully, right? But what are the best ways to do this?
The best start is a slow start, over a long period of time. Bringing home a boyfriend after five dates is a really bad idea. Making sure the relationship is very strong, serious and committed before bringing anyone home is a better option. And if that means six months to a year then make it that long. Depending on the age of the kids, he should be introduced as your boyfriend (you can gauge your own childrens' understanding of this word.) He is not “uncle” anybody and childrens' questions should be answered honestly, but in an age appropriate manner. Sleepovers are probably a bad idea and the boyfriend needs to very slowly get to know the children, rather than sweep in bearing large gifts or trying to grow roots too quickly. Kids see through this and don’t like their turf being trod on. A boyfriend needs to earn the respect of children, not demand it. And mothers need to remember that. We hear so many stories of mothers who push their kids aside for a new man or turn a blind eye to inappropriate behavior on his part – all for the sake of having a boyfriend.
It’s a smart idea to make sure the childrens' father is aware of anyone introduced to his children. He has a right to know who is around them and who may be spending time in their home – just like a mother if her ex had a new woman in his life. The keyword in all of this is "slowly", and rule number one is that the children always come first. Most of us do want a partner in our lives, but not at the expense of our children. Kids should know the person well before any announcement of an engagement.
An important thing is to trust yourself and your trust in your new partner. If he is a smart, kind and hard-working man who treats you with respect, then give him the chance to slowly show your children the same thing. Every woman deserves a happy relationship with the partner of her choice and remaining single for years as your children grow up isn’t going to work for most – and nor should it have to. A happy mother is most definitely a strong influence over the happiness of her children.
An important question: how important is it to get permission (for want of a better expression) from your children to remarry? Should their input matter or should you be allowed to trust your own instincts and be the sole decision maker? This is all down to a personal decision but realistically, children should give their "okay" before a man becomes their stepfather. Marrying a man your children dislike is a recipe for disaster. Things won’t get better once there are rings on fingers. Likely, they’ll get a lot worse. If he’s a good man (and would you pick anything else?!) then it should hopefully be a smooth transition. This doesn’t mean the kids rule the household. But until the children are adults themselves, the home has to revolve around the one reason the home began in the first place: them.
Tell Us
How did you introduce your new partner to your children? Was it a good experience or did you run into obstacles? What advice would you like to hear, or give others?
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I haven't officially introduced my new partner to my child as a "boyfriend". They have met. We both have children so they often play together. My hope is that as we all get to know each other better/continuously, when an annoucement is made to my son that this is mommy's boyfiend it will go over smoothly because my son will already be familiar with this gentleman and he will already be accustomed to him being around me. I don't think there should be a rush to announce my relationship status to my child. Once I am 100% certain of this persons permanancy in my life then I can tell my child this is someone that is important to mommy.
Right now as far as my child is concerned its all about him and his playdates and this man is his playmate's parent.
November 9, 2010 - 2:00pmThis Comment