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In a time when an increasing number of couples are eager to live together before marriage, a unique trend is occurring: married couples are choosing to live apart after marriage. Called "living apart together", or "LAT", couples who happily and mutually choose this non-traditional living arrangement cite many reasons, one being LAT has improved their relationship, as they can be committed, exclusive and still independent.
Living with another person is difficult at times, especially someone you love. Not only do the everyday demands of laundry, dishes, cooking, bills and other chores take away any feeling of romance or spontaneity, this person makes other demands on your personal time and space. Remember the days when you were just dating your beloved, and how much fun it was to get ready for the date, anticipate the fun evening ahead, and call your friends to talk about the details? Now, once you are married, this butterflies-in-stomach feeling of anticipation is gone, and the reality sets in that this person is there. Always.
Not only do you need to compromise, negotiate and share constantly with another person, it is difficult for many couples to regain the surprise, spontaneity and romance when they are together day-in-and-day-out. Jokingly, a few of my girlfriends and I have talked about how great it would be if our husbands lived next door. We could see each other whenever we wanted, there is still all the commitments, but we could decorate the way we wanted, not have the stress of preparing meals that another person may not like, not have to worry if one person is a clean-freak and the other one is messy. You could send the kids next door to play, while you get some much needed alone-time in your own house.
Happily-married couples who go beyond the fantasy and actually choose LAT describe how this plays out in their life. (One note: these couples are 100 percent in love and faithful to each other; it is not being used (in this context) as one-step away from divorce...quite the opposite!) Some couples marry later in life, and each want to keep their respective houses. Other couples have such different styles of living that they could not possibly meld, from an early-riser-and-night-owl combo, to another couple who have very different tolerance levels for noise levels and visual distractions (music and TV, for instance). They either live across the street, or one lives in the country while the other lives in the city. Jobs and places of work contribute heavily to this choice, as commute times and long work hours may make it easier to live near work Monday-Friday, and live together on the weekends.
Beyond convenience, some couples have such strong preferences related to lifestyle. One prefers quiet country setting in a spacious home, the other the excitement of a downtown loft. Do you prefer to read quietly with light low and soothing music and a glass of wine after a stressful day, while your husband's idea of stress-relief is sharing a 6-pack with his friends, watching a sports game (LOUDLY!) on television? It is during these incompatible moments that LAT may look like the greener grass on the other side of the fence!
The benefits, in theory, are definitely there--but at what cost? Do you think these preferences should be worked out before marriage, and are potential deal breakers if no compromise is found? Are you and your spouse thinking about LAT as a viable option? I would love to hear your thoughts and personal experiences!
Add a Comment25 Comments
I never heard of the acronym LAT. But at 50 years old, I have been married twice . My boyfriend who is 56 never got married, but had a long term live in SO and had 3 kids. We are both independent and love our freedom and space. However, we care about each other and our relationship remains fresh and exciting and the sexual chemistry is still strong since we first started dating 2 years ago. We live 46 miles apart and when we don't get together we catch up with long phone calls and emails. Neither on of us would change a thing!
May 4, 2014 - 2:26pmThis Comment
My lover and I have been in a LAT relationship for over a decade. He's never been married, I'm divorced with two (now adult) children. He took to the LAT lifestyle with no apparent issue. I didn't particularly want to marry or live with him so I didn't push for it, but it still took me a few years to accept that what we have is more than simply dating, mostly because I thought that progression was how it was supposed to go. I finally realized I was happy, he was happy, so what did it matter if we didn't take our relationship to some arbitrary "next level." If we needed to for legal reasons, I would be honored to call him husband. But I don't feel any need to marry, and have no desire to live with him, married or not.
We talk on the phone, text, or email a few times a week, although not daily, and have regular date nights that we both consider to be sacrosanct and only broken in extreme circumstances. We vacation together and regularly share a number of activities that we enjoy. I adore him, and he treats me like a queen. We have fun together, and I like the person I am when I'm with him. I feel we share the best parts of ourselves, but we both need a lot of space and alone time, and the LAT relationship allows us to have that without either feeling rejected. It works.
May 28, 2012 - 9:19pmThis Comment
I am a 3rd year student in University of Bristol and my Disseration studies women who are in LAT (living apart together relationship). Would you be interested in participating in interview regarding your experience in LAT relationship.
March 1, 2015 - 4:04pmIf you are interested can you please contact me on [email protected] and I will give you detailed explanation of my research.
Thank you for you time
Polina
This Comment
I think this sounds exactly like what I want/need to do. However I must admit that it is more of a stepping stone towards ending what has been a loveless marriage for over 10 years. Am trying hard to get past the fear of the unknown and figure out how to go about doing this.
March 4, 2012 - 12:50pmThis Comment
I can't imagine why anyone would want to live with another person and endure all kinds of annoying habits, just for the sake of 'love'. Please. Society is so good at telling everyone how they should live their lives to make OTHERS happy, it's refreshing when people just give the finger to society and do their own thing to make THEMSELVES happy. I am convinced that the main cause of divorce and cheating in this society is because people choose to live together after marriage. How do you stay wildly attracted to someone whose bathroom habits you have access to every day and who you have to nag to take out the trash? I mean, who in their right minds wants a home life like Ray and Debra Barone, or for that matter - Frank and Marie Barone? Familiarity breeds contempt, and if each person in a relationship leaves their OWN toilet seat up and takes their OWN trash out, everyone will be happy. And besides, everyone should be able to have one aspect of their lives where they can be totally selfish without hurting anyone, and maintaining separate residences is the least harmful way of having that.
August 10, 2011 - 8:32amThis Comment
I am a 3rd year student in University of Bristol and my Disseration studies women who are in LAT (living apart together relationship). Would you be interested in participating in interview regarding your experience in LAT relationship.
March 1, 2015 - 4:05pmIf you are interested can you please contact me on [email protected] and I will give you detailed explanation of my research.
Thank you for you time
Polina
This Comment
I have heard about LAT relationships for a few years now and I think it's a wonderful idea. I might just try it myself. Just because 2 people don't live together, it doesn't mean that they don't love each other and aren't committed to each other.
July 30, 2011 - 3:43pmThis Comment
Me and Mine have been together for 11 years. I'm 55 divorced 30 years, he's 45, never married. I own my home of 20 years, he rents. Neither of us has children. We briefly discussed living together about year 2 of our relationship but decided against it. We say we have a 5 bedroom 4 bath 15 mile hallway home. We spend 3 to 4 nights a week together. We used to spend weekends at his place, but when our main weekend activity moved, it was closer to me so now we spend weekends at my place. Currently, we are looking for a house for him. We will continue to LAT when he buys his home.
Atlanta, GA
July 24, 2011 - 7:48amThis Comment
I am a 3rd year student in University of Bristol and my Disseration studies women who are in LAT (living apart together relationship). Would you be interested in participating in interview regarding your experience in LAT relationship.
March 2, 2015 - 7:10amIf you are interested can you please contact me on [email protected] and I will give you detailed explanation of my research.
Thank you for you time
Polina
This Comment
Thank you for sharing! Since you have been LAT for eleven years, it sounds like it is working for you both, but I noticed that you did not mention if you are both enjoying this scenario? I was unclear if you were wanting to move in together, as your last sentence was noticeably without emotion (we will continue LAT when he buys his home), and I couldn't help but wonder if you or he were wanting another option?
Can you share the pros and cons with your situation, from both of your perspectives?
July 24, 2011 - 9:29pmThis Comment