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Make Love Not War: Don't Keep Score

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Sometimes in the name of living the life we desire and getting what we feel we deserve, we truly, honestly, forget to love.

In a romantic relationship it is difficult, if not impossible to have moments of tallying; your inner dialogue goes something like this: "Well, if I scrubbed the linoleum for thirteen hours and he just built a small shed, which is more important? How come he had four orgasms last week and I only had three if I scrubbed for that long?"

It's not usually this mundane and silly, but I exaggerate for the purpose of making my point.

We tally, we keep score, we measure. Bonnie Raitt has a line in one of songs that goes, "You can't have love, people, when you're keeping score."
I couldn't agree more. After all, don't we want unconditional love? Don't we want to feel that if we decide to spend a Sunday curled up in our sweatpants eating bizarre a food combination such as pistachios, oranges and cake and alternating reading and napping for ridiculous amounts of time, even ignoring the phone, and absolutely ignoring exercise or responsibilities, that our significant other will still desire us, will ruffle our hair playfully, will even, perhaps, chuckle with delight at our temporary sloth?

Therefore, shall we condemn our honey if our honey prefers, well, whatever it is our honey prefers here and there?

Here's the thing; more love really does lead to better sex. The angry, petulant, tallying, score keeping part of a relationship does not for hot sex make.

Let your hair down, hand him the remote, grab your pistachios and stop counting your orgasms ... you just may end up with too many to count.

Add a Comment2 Comments

You are funny! Three toddlers - holy mother! Congratulations to you for still finding time to write and eat and breathe! I love your comments... I agree with you completely that you will lose every time if your mind is switched to this channel. Just to love and be loved - if you feel you truly are and that you truly do.... it's a practice to keep up with not to get petty.
Believe me, I write these things as reminders to myself, most of all.

Happy Mother's Day to you, it sounds as though you will be really relaxing...


May 8, 2009 - 4:17pm
HERWriter Guide

I couldn't agree with you more!

I think it's only human to sometimes think "hey, I did all this and all you did was..." but when it's done on a consistent basis, it's a real problem.

I have always said "don't keep score with your spouse - you will lose". I could set that in stone. Even if you win by numbers, you will still lose in terms of unhappiness, nagging, bitching and meanness that grows out of keeping score. Winning this way is a very shallow victory.

Your scenario of eating naughty foods and vegging out for a day with a spouse is heaven! But I have three toddlers so it's nothing but a tease (for now)!! However, Mother's Day is coming up and I'll be spending Sunday in bed, having breakfast made by my husband and kids and watching utter nonsense on TV. Nirvana!

You are right - sometimes we all sweat the small stuff too much. Sometimes we need to keep schtum and just hang out with our men and not be scorekeepers.

May 8, 2009 - 1:20pm
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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