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Benefits of Sex with an Ex: Moving On by Moving to the Bedroom--An Editorial

By HERWriter
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I am a firm believer in the power of break-up sex. You may call me irrational or deluded, but read through my reasons for being a fan, and see if you don’t agree.

Disclaimer: Both partners should agree on the boundaries and implications of engaging in sexual activity before clothes come off. This will require explicit conversation and statements of expectations.

1. It feels great.
Let’s not beat around the bush--by getting intimate with someone who already knows exactly how to push your buttons, where you like to be touched, when to change the pace, etc., you are guaranteed a pleasurable experience. Likewise, you will feel confident in your own ability to arouse your partner, freeing inhibition and allowing you to perform with gusto. Add that mischievous, risky, “we-shouldn’t-be-doing-this” feeling and you can expect that the interlude will not leave either party wanting.

2. It can clear the air.
Seeing someone you are no longer in a relationship with will inevitably bring about awkward moments. It’s hard to know how to interact as “just friends” rather than whatever your previous status was. Often it feels easier to avoid talking about the elephant in the room, pretending that everything is normal and reverting to small talk. Sex alleviates the awkwardness of this tangle and allows you to move past pleasantries and into real topics of conversation. Which leads us to our next point…

3. It can promote healthy discussion.
It is much easier to renew an emotional connection and speak frankly after being physically intimate. A bad break-up cannot change science; after reaching an orgasm your body is awash with chemicals that enable you to open up and connect with another person. Endorphins, oxytocin and adrenaline may help you to take a different perspective of your situation and aspects of your relationship – what went wrong and what went right.

4. It allows for closure.
Were you wondering whether your ex had moved on or if feelings could be re-kindled? Were you wondering what you had ever seen in this person and whether you had any connection in the first place?

Add a Comment4 Comments


I definitely get what you're saying, I just know it can lead to what the commenter said above, or it can lead to an ongoing "friends with benefits" situation that can make it hard to move on.

Even if you think it's just one-time sex or sex on the side, you might not feel as motivated to go out and date because you have comfortable sex waiting for you. Also, if you do decide to move on, your ex or now "friend with benefits" might feel tricked and lash out.

You did emphasize the importance of communication before sex happens, but I think sex can still change peoples' minds afterward (for better or worse).

April 27, 2011 - 12:09pm

This is an interesting post. But I don't like this kinds of relation ship. Because how they communicate with each other when they are lives like the two bank of a river.

April 23, 2011 - 3:29am
EmpowHER Guest

Hmmmm. This is interesting. I have found in previous sexual encounters with ex-partners that the activity just brings back old feelings that can be really hard to deal with when brought back into light. I therefore vote NO for sex with an ex. BUT I think you are a FABULOUS writer and a WONDERFULLY empowhered woman. Thanks for your thoughts.

April 22, 2011 - 9:11pm
HERWriter (reply to Anonymous)

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks so much for sharing your opinion! I agree with you - sex with an ex has the potential to be quite tricky. This is why it is so important to be confident in your own feelings, attitudes and choices; don't do it for the sake of a relationship past - do it for YOU and the amazing, sexy woman that you are all by yourself. Furthermore, I think it is even MORE important that you and your partner can have a conversation about the implications of your actions BEFORE taking off all your clothes. If everyone is on the same page that break-up sex is very different from get-back-together-on-a-whim sex, there is a smaller chance that old feelings will resurface and leave you confused or upset.

Of course, I recognize that there are some people and relationship situations that should probably be never be touched again - even with a ten foot pole. It takes a smart and empowered woman (like you!) to realize her boundaries and make choices that are good for her and her ex.

Thanks again!

April 24, 2011 - 6:15am
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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