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Bored with Sex? Dr. Wendy Walsh Gives Tips to Spice It Up

 
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You may already know clinical psychologist, relationship expert and best-selling author Dr. Wendy Walsh from TV shows such as The Doctors, The View, The Today show and Good Morning America. Now she brings her perspective of love, relationships and sex to EmpowHER.

I sat down with Dr. Walsh last week to discuss new international market research on what men and women really want from their intimate relationships.

Dr. Walsh’s trademark no-holds-barred style of conversation became apparent when we discussed monogamy, how Americans’ views toward sex and relationships are changing, and just how our sexual habits stack up against those in four other nations — France, the Netherlands, Germany and Australia.

We have seemingly come such a long way, when it comes to sexual expression. Now it’s water cooler fodder and discussed openly on talk radio with perfect strangers. Sex is used to sell us everything from cheeseburgers to cars, hair dye to hyper-sexual cologne. You'd think in 21st century sex is no longer closeted, but you'd be wrong.

If we are indeed in a kind of new sexual revolution, the truth is, we might be dragging along 19th century social norms. It may be easy to talk dirty, but having an honest conversation about our deepest human desire still seems to be taboo.

According to data from men and women ages 25-55 already in a relationship, gathered in August 2013 by International Communications Research and supported by the sexual aid company, We-Vibe, there's a lot of interest in spicing things up in the bedroom, but the biggest barrier to a red-hot love life is the inability to start a conversation.

Three out of five Americans say they want their sex life to be more playful and fun, yet only 30 percent feel they can discuss this with their partners.

Walsh said that having a conversation may be difficult because most Americans feel shame about their sexual health.

“If you have a sexual urge, and it’s safe, sane and legal you should be able to find a way to express it with the person in the world who loves you the most,” she said.

When it comes to discussing sex, while some couples may be avoiding the subject altogether, others are approaching the subject at the most inopportune time — in bed right before sex. Geez, talk about a mood killer!

Remember, discussing sex is like being a gifted musician or successful comedian — timing is everything.

“My suggestion is try to talk about your desires in the vegetable aisle while you’re pick out cucumbers, or in the car when you’re looking out the windows, but not in bed where it causes anxiety,” Walsh said.

She also recommended that when people are discussing any topic that is tender or touchy — and for most people sex definitely qualifies — try to make what she calls “a communication sandwich” to improve your chances of being heard.

Just think of “layers of love” (a compliment) as bread surrounding the “prickly layer” of fixings (the criticism or sexual communication you feel embarrassed about).

While market research shows that American women are more progressive than women from other countries about their use of sex toys such as vibrators, and are more open to experimentation, Welch says that American women also tend to separate sex from their emotional lives.

In comparison, French women, more than anywhere in the world, believe to have really hot sex you need to be in love, whereas less than half of American women agree.

There are plenty of good reasons to be in a long-term monogamous relationship, Walsh said. For starters, monogamous couples have better health, live longer, and accumulate more wealth.

But in our current “high supply sexual economy” where hookups come easy with a well-worded text, Walsh said that Americans are being sold a false assumption that normal sexual behavior is having "all kinds of crazy, fun, kinky sex all the time, which isn’t necessarily true."

Happy, long-term married couples have different phases and stages in their sex lives and that’s perfectly normal, she said. However if romance in your relationship is dipping and you are thinking things need to be spiced up, Walsh offered a few tips.

First and foremost, she said that it’s important for people to adjust their expectations. Couples need to know what the end goal is, and what their partner’s desires are.

The Crockpot Rule

It may sound counter intuitive, but scheduling sex can make for sex better. Consider that men are microwaves and women are crockpots — they take a lot longer to warm up and need the psychosocial aspect to reach their optimum.

Now couple that biological fact with busy lives and endless demands, and it's no wonder we feel exhausted by bedtime, making sexual spontaneity as likely as Miley Cyrus joining a nunnery.

Planning for intimacy can help us make the most out of the experience by inspiring us to pick up a new scented candle, body oil or even a piece of lingerie the day before to set the mood. It also gives the woman time to get into the head space for sex. “Scheduling sex isn’t unromantic and can be very exciting,” Walsh said.

Key Party

If you can't talk about your fantasies, write them down. In a monogamous version of a "key party," each time you have sex, take turns drawing a piece of paper from a jar that contains your partner's fantasies. You never know what exciting event will be in store for you.

Making Old New Again

When babies need to be stimulated by new toys, all a mother has to do it move the old toys to a new room. In that new environment, the toy seems new again. The same thing can work for couples. Roll through a list of spaces in your home, garage, or garden to make sex exciting.

Be Playful

The formula for excitement is Attraction + Obstacle = Arousal. What playful obstacles can you put in your love life? Clothing that won't come off easily? Boring dinner parties where you lock eyes with your partner and do invisible foreplay all evening? A place where you might get caught?

“Playfulness, humor and laughter can help couples maintain strong bonds, as they work as conflict resolution strategies and stress reducers,” Welch said. “That’s why it’s important for couples have this conversation so they can find ways to fit sex into their lives and what works for each of them.”

Lynette Summerill is an award-winning writer and Scuba enthusiast who lives in San Diego with her husband and two beach loving dogs. In addition to writing about cancer-related issues for EmpowHER, her work has been seen in publications internationally.

Sources:

Interview with Dr. Wendy Walsh. 3 October, 2013.

Survey reveals the Power of Play in a Couple’s Relationship. 3 Oct. 2012. Press Release and Survey Results, We-Vibe.
http://we-vibe.com/press-room/press-releases/survey-reveals-power-play-couple%E2%80%99s-relationship

Winkle Global Online Survey. June 2013.

Reviewed October 8, 2013
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith

Add a Comment1 Comments

Lynette, I love this article! Fantastic job.

It's fun, fresh and gives excellent advice from Dr. Wendy Walsh. I love her tips and analogies, especially the idea of "a communication sandwich" and the "crock pot rule." Very cute and cleaver.

October 9, 2013 - 9:50am
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