Relationship expert Mike Lindstrom discusses the controversial issue on whether or not all men have a primitive urge to cheat.
Probably one of the most controversial subjects that has come about in recent years because a lot of scandal, I mean you’ve heard about Jesse James and Sandra Bullock; you have heard about Tiger Woods and his wife Elin. It’s brought up to the consciousness of America.
I don’t know any couple that I have talked with and said, “Have you had the conservation about Tiger Woods and why would he cheat and why would he do those things?” Almost everybody I know at least talked about it and the questions that come up, “Why would somebody do that? Oh my gosh, he has got everything. He’s a multi-millionaire and he could do whatever he wants. Why would he want to go do that?”
Well, it’s when you step back and you actually go back to the science and there was a book that came out in March 2010, this past year and it’s called “The Male Brain” and the author did something amazing and somewhat controversial. She went in and studied literally the parts of the brain that trigger certain things. For example, we talked a little bit about oxytocin and when a man releases an orgasm oxytocin is released in the brain and it causes the man to literally ‘whew’ – blood pressure goes down.
So that’s just one example but she literally picks apart the male brain and says here is why things happen in the male brain. Now let’s be clear. We’re not suggesting that men have a right to be able to just waive their flag and say, “Hey, I am who I am. I have a propensity to cheat. Oh well.” We are an evolved culture. We are not talking about throwing ourselves in the animal kingdom where some doctors have stated that you know, you study 5,000 male species and 97% of them are not loyal to one mate. Okay, we have evolved. We have values. We have rules. We have value in these decision-making processes that we can put in as human beings – that’s what makes us the highest of the high in the animal kingdom.
So when you take the male species, which is still an animal, and you bring him into the constructive modern day America where we have rules and laws and marriage, and marriage, what’s marriage? Marriage is a contract, ok? It’s a legal right that two people engage in the United States, all 50 states being slightly different. So when you take the male species as a human being you bring him into that construct of society the way it is today, I always want to empower my female clients just to have a stronger understanding. Don’t judge. Don’t just write off a man and say, “Oh he is just a man. I’m never going to understand him.”
I would say don’t judge; be curious. Be curious. Ask him questions. Ask him what are his real desires? What does he really want? How often does he think about sex? Does he ever think about other woman? When you can just create an openness in a relationship or marriage and just have honest discussions about these taboo subjects females start to understand the male species because, you know, as this woman postulates in the book, there are certain parts of the male brain we want to protect; we want to hunt; we want to go out there and we want to seek out. We have curiosities. We want this need for variety in our lives.
I mean you could look at the statistics and of the average person in the United States who has been married, how many people they’ve been married to. It’s more than one. And if you go to the next level and you say, “How many sexual partners have you had during the course of your life since you started having sex?” Depending what study you read men are going to be a little bit different than women, but you are going to see anywhere from 6 to 20 partners – sexual partners over the course of a lifetime.
So obviously we look at that, both men and women, we are put on this planet and we live in the rules in society we live in, but for us to expect, both species, men and women, that we are going to be completely monogamous to one sexual partner our entire life, from beginning to end, is a pipe dream. The statistics are there to prove it.
So it’s just that understanding and that curiosity that helps us understand each other. Now we can talk about the women for the emotional needs that they have, which she also has a book on that called “The Female Brain” which came out over a decade ago, but her studies have really brought to the forefront, especially now with all the scandal that America is talking about, “Why do these things happen?”
Well there’s reasons why these things happen so instead of judging those things step into those, step into that person’s brain a little bit and understand what are those proclivities, what are those needs, what are those things biologically and chemically happening within the male and the female.
About Mike Lindstrom:
Dan Lier & Mike Lindstrom have been coaching and speaking about success for a combined 30 years. Dan & Mike are well-respected success coaches and have studied the behavior between men and woman as it pertains to sex, love, communication, intimacy, loyalty and finding the partner of your dreams. As proud parents and loving partners, they are passionate about the relationship secrets set forth in "Dan & Mike’s Guide to Men". They have been featured on several media outlets including Fox News, ABC News, HLN, CNN and the Howard Stern Show.
Visit Mike Lindstrom at Ask Dan & Mike