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We've watched 'What Not To Wear' and have slowly begun collectively tossing our overalls forever and never, ever buying plastic belts, no matter how neon, gold or skinny-jean oriented they may be. However, when it comes to what not to do, particularly when it comes to ex lovers, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends or partners, we're still stuck in the Eighties, hopelessly clinging to our big hair and spandex. It's really, truly, time to upgrade.
One mistake most women make when it comes to their ex is keeping the door open for a good continuing relationship. If there are children involved, this may be necessary - or at least a type of civility may be necessary; but real, true, honest to goodness friendship is really, and yes, I'm apologizing in advance to the BFF breakers up here, not a great idea.
The complications that arise when the new love interest comes upon the situation are not savory. They stink, in fact. Not to mention the triangulation and (yes, metaphorical) strangulation which may occur if the new flame is friends with the old and so on. This is your life and, while it is utopian and lovely to want us "all to just get along" remaining tight with the old bed buddy is not a good boundary; at least not until a year or even more have gone by and the memories are as faded as that old shirt of his you definitely do NOT have hanging still, in your closet.
Another thing to stop doing immediately is actually sleeping with your ex. This may seem outlandish due to the fact that so many of us continue to have intimate relations with our exes and then tell so many people it's not true that we begin to believe it ourselves. While it may feel good, comforting, hot and even theatrical to continue to sleep with your ex while you are not in a real relationship, it is something akin to stripping a wound of its tender scab over and over again...healing is without question not taking place in this situation. Instead, go solo or safely try on a new pair of leather shoes. Safely try on a new pair of pants. Safely date. Someone other than your ex, of course. See friends, take up hobbies you'd left behind, go on vacation.
Limiting contact may hurt, may feel wrong, may even make you feel you're not a nice person for shutting him out With all sincerity, taking this space, both mentally and physically is an incredible step toward finally breaking up. Letting go is hard, but necessary if there is going to be room in your life for an evolving you, and possibly your new partner.
Aimee Boyle is a freelance writer and special education high school teacher who lives, writes and teaches in CT with her family.
Add a Comment71 Comments
The errors in grammar are very distracting.
July 15, 2010 - 1:40amThis Comment
I have a little differant problem with my ex. I cant seem to stop loving him . It has been 2 years now since I have seen him and about a year since I have talked with him. See Im a widow, I have 5 childrenn He was divorced with 5 children. We were going to get married but then I got pregnant , which we hadnt counted on at all. Well I had twins a boy and girl. Great children but that gives us 12 children. We just couldnt do it with that many children. We decided to go our own way which was the hardest thing that I had ever done. We loved each other so very much but that this was the best for our children. He is now married again , he has told me that he doesnt love her but he will grow to. We talked up until the very minute he said I do. She knows about me and understands, he doesnt see our twins because it will be harder on them and us to. He does send money every two weeks. But I just want to move on . I am dating this other man who is a great guy but I want to stop missing , lets call him paul, not his real name, him. Please give me some suggestions on how I can , Wash this man out of my hair, so to speak.
July 1, 2010 - 12:47pmThis Comment
while i understand the reasoning behind this advice, i don't think that it's as simple as it's presented here. my boyfriend and i were together for 4 1/2 years, engaged for the last year and we recently broke up. it was his idea, and i grieved. it was the most difficult thing i've ever had to go through, and i hope i never have to experience heartbreak like that ever again. however, hindsight is 20/20. we would have made an enviable married couple, for several reasons, but we wouldn't have been completely satisfied. we genuinely like(d) each other, but we were not in love the way a married couple should be in love. that's why we broke up. there wasn't enough passion in our relationship. actually, now that i think about it, there was too much friendship. that said, now that we're not in a sexual/romantic relationship, we like one another's company. he's the only person on the planet who knows everything about me, and i trust him completely. the advice presented in this article i think is too vague and a little misguided. just because you ignore an issue doesn't make it go away. spending time together and talking about our relationship and why it didn't work out is the reason matt and i can still have a friendship. we are mature, rational people and we have a great friendship that came out of our romantic relationship. in my future husband i hope that i can have a similar friendship but with more passion and zeal for one another.
June 27, 2010 - 2:47pmThis Comment
LOL, Anonymous! Now, if they can only 'BE GONE' with the help of a priest and all our memories of the ordeal diasappear as if it never happened such as the sequal to 'The Exorcist' we will be on a great track in the right direction.
DARN FREE WILL!
June 27, 2010 - 8:17amThis Comment
I love this article. Kudos to the writer that has opened up my own eyes to what I will deem as an “ex”orcism.
June 26, 2010 - 12:45pmThis Comment
"EX" orcism BEST TERM EVER!!!!
June 26, 2010 - 5:26pmThis Comment
Agreed that wants are valid; however, fulfilling your wants and/or needs at the expense of someone else's feelings is not acceptable nor the human way to be. If this man wanted someone else, the proper way to do it would have been to let his wife know, and then go, instead of lying to her and continuing to do so. It's never - NEVER - ok to lie to someone to get what you want. I know it may be the "norm" now, but that still doesn't make it ok. I'm not religious, right-wing, redneck or oblivious, but rather I believe in being who you are and letting others be who they are, and lying to someone to control and manipulate them is WRONG.
June 11, 2010 - 3:00pmThis Comment
Not implying that it makes sense to balance the repercussions, but this is a case where little thought was given, which is the norm. As far as societal norms are concerned, I am pretty sure that they had little bearing on his decision. I think control was less of an issue as well, that implies non-ideal traits for a mate, and lessens the chance of marriage (which lends some small support beyond "my thoughts" this, and "my thoughts" that, not that any of us can really understand the situation, there might have been many reasons for looking for another lover). Manipulation may have been a necessary measure to ensure that happiness was kept after the complications began, and if it had successfully been kept a secret, then there would not have been this pain. Manipulation is a strange concept, because it is really used very frequently, in that every time you (we, they) influence someones actions (think clothing choices, word choices, tone, inflections, expression), you (we, they...) are manipulating them (you, me, themselves..).
June 11, 2010 - 3:18pmmeh, idle thoughts are idle, drifting into a lot of speculation.
This Comment
Respectfully replying, when you lie to someone, whatever your reason, you are limiting their choices and actions. This happens because they cannot make a conscious choice without having all the facts. Therefore, if you make choices or decisions based on untruths presented to you by another, they are, in effect, controlling you - after all, you certainly aren't in control if you don't have all the pertinent facts. That's all I meant by "control" and "manipulation." And we were given enough facts (he came back when her dad died and said his affair was over, then went back to the other woman; he convinced her to buy a house together and move away from familiar surroundings - if that's not manipulation, I don't know what is) to determine that he was indeed acting against her best interests somewhat deliberately. Final point - I still believe, that whatever the reason he had for finding another lover, he was married to this woman. As such, he owed her at least honesty - if he wanted the other woman, so be it. At least admit it, and go; don't lie and cheat. Let her know, and get out of the marriage. Leave her with a little dignity, if not respect.
June 11, 2010 - 3:46pmThis Comment
I am what most call morally ambiguous & I approve!
May 31, 2010 - 4:23amThis Comment