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Do a quick search on EmpowHER, and you will find hundreds of women wanting to know why their sex life has decreased. These women are deeply concerned that their partner has lost interest in them sexually, and are worried about their future relationship and sex life.
As a society, we are bombarded with images of (heterosexual) sex; it is always happy, fulfilling, orgasmic, frequent, passionate and relationship-enhancing. It occurs within the perfect setting, among beautiful people. We rarely see a movie or show that depicts the real-life scenarios of sex, where the couple is usually tired, stressed, hair askew and fumbling with birth control. It makes sense that so many of us question--even in the healthiest of relationships-- what is it about us, our relationship, that prohibits a fulfilling sexual relationship. Has our partner lost interest? Is he deficient in someway? Does he not find me attractive or desirable? Is he cheating?
Are other people having more sex than we are?
Based on several sexual health, sexual attitude and sexual behavior studies conducted nationwide, Americans have sex about 59 times a year. That is about once per week.
Surprised?
There is, of course, an age breakdown (as well as other factors, including health status, marital status, partner availability, etc). Those individuals in the 18-29 age category average about 84-112 times per year, 30-39 year olds about 86 times per year, and 40-49 year olds about 69 times per year. Adults over 70 years of age average 10 times per year (likely due to health and widowers have lowest sexual frequency of all categories).
What about marital status? Is there any truth to the old joke, “marriage is bad for your sex life!”?
According to the sex research, adults who have the most frequent sex are...married! Most likely, the reason has to do with partner availability. Frequency of sex does decline as overall reported marital satisfaction declines. In fact, “Thirteen percent of married couples reported having sex a few times per year, 45 percent reported a few times per month, 34 percent reported two to three times per week, and seven percent reported four or more times per week."
I found this interesting, as many woman have been extremely worried about their relationship and that they are “only” having sex once, maybe twice, per week. There are 45 percent of women who have sex a few times per month, and this can be perfectly healthy and create a happy and intimate marriage (or, long-term relationship)!
I did want to mention sexual inactivity, as a few women have expressed concerns that their partner has refused to have sex. In the Journal of Sex Research, it was found that, “among the currently married, only one to two percent of those aged 18-49 are sexually inactive, and the reasons include either poor health or a marriage (or, relationship) rating of ‘unhappy’."
What does all of this mean to you?
Sex frequency in relationships is dependent on numerous factors. As with any behavior, the quantity “ebbs and flows”, as we are reacting and interacting with our environments, our partners and the world around us. Merely focusing on frequency is not as useful as looking at the overall relationship. Sex research data provides a basic guideline, but please know, these are averages over the course of a year. It changes from month-to-month, year-to-year, minute-to-minute. In other words, some couples have sex like crazed rabbits; for most of us, it is a little less.
Realistically, you may notice what is referred to as the “honeymoon effect”--after the first year of a long-term relationship, sex frequency declines. Please know that this can be a very good sign, as individuals in the relationship are no longer afraid to lose the person if they are not spending every moment with them, engaging in sex. Perhaps less frequency can even equate to increased quality, as there is more time to communicate! Creating lasting memories “outside of the bedroom” is truly invaluable in a long-term relationship.
What do you and your partner do to create intimacy “outside the bedroom”?
[Source: Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994. Accessed at Kinsey Institute online].
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