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An article cited by EmpowHer reader entitled, "Almost Half of Women Have Sexual Problems" (Amanda Gardner of HealthDay News for The Washington Post on October 31, 2008) grimly described a near-pandemic of what is being called female orgasmic dysfunction.
In it, Gardner reports a scary 40 percent of women aged 20 to 65 with problems of sexual release, with a mere 12 percent distressed about it. To put it bluntly, this amounts to roughly 33.2 million women in America who deem themselves incapable of orgasming, only 10 million of which actually care about it.
Traced back to its origins, the appearance of the disorder in women directly corresponds to the nature of the female orgasm itself, which although complex, is not as physiologically complicated, difficult or impossible to achieve as some would have you believe. Yet, the fact that the female anatomy is somewhat more labyrinthine than a man's obvious shaft with its single, straight path to orgasm is apparently the source of real aggravation for many women who have long gone without it.
Still, it would seem that some 30 percent of women for which complete orgasm is a complete mystery are perfectly content to exist, mapless, lost in a foggy no man's land of sexual discontent. This is a heartbreaking idea. Hundreds of thousands of women have simply allowed themselves to prematurely accept defeat, having lost all hope of ever experiencing the vital richness of a sexually satisfying life, whether it be in relationship with a man, woman or simply with herself.
As a result of this surge, some women seek out or await hormonal fixes, such as testosterone or the as-yet undeveloped female Viagra with its hoped-for effect of artificially elevating desire. These desperate searches for quick, medical fixes very often resemble gold rushes, for both patients and pharmaceutical companies.
While testosterone likely has the promoted behavioral effect of "masculinizing" the female libido, it's dangerously limited not to consider that other factors are at work within the endocrine system. Not only does this resort oversimplify the interaction of hormonal systems, but hard-wiring physiology treats the body robotically, neglecting the social and personal-psychological arenas. Compare it to dropping a nuke on Hiroshima to win the war. Is this really the best and only way, or should we be seeking a "more complex analysis in which an individual's capacities emerge from a web of interactions between the biological being and the social environment"? (Anne Fausto-Sterling, Myths of Gender)
What seems to be required is something which has been overwhelmingly culturally absented--the genuinely loving relationship which fosters a trustworthy space in which the whole self is free to emerge. Because for women, sexual physiology is so heavily integrated with psychology, only when a certain level of comfort is met can she allow herself to be vulnerable enough to reveal her own powers, whether alone or with a partner.
Stated causes of the disorder are numerous and support this idea of the mind-body connection and prerequisite. All essentially point to broader mentally, psychologically, emotionally, even spiritually wounded states of the woman--stress, anxiety, depression, fatigue, worry, guilt, fear of painful intercourse, fear of pregnancy, the undesirability of a partner or setting, and lastly, the use of alcohol or drugs (MedicineNet.com: http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=12588).
What, then, are the real issues at the root of the symptom? Allow me to posit the following theory in its simplest form: women hate themselves.
Many women stupidly judge themselves according to the mandated standard of desirability, yet the majority of women can't be expected to contend with these giants of fashion and beauty. Even for those "lucky" enough to be graced with youth and beauty for a time, this measuring stick of desirability is such a hollow way of elevating a feeling of self-worth that, inevitably, it has to collapse in on itself. The kind of supposedly positive accolade a woman earns by creating herself in the prototypically sexy image actually corrodes her real value as an individual capable of independent thought or creative emotion. Therefore, regardless of the relative beauty or youth of the woman, she can't win if she judges herself solely by this standard of self-worth or sexual prowess.
The pressure to be "sexy" is all demonstrative and not inherent. The female orgasm is, rather, an intensely private, internal tremor, stemming from a place of darkness, the profound unknown. A woman needs to feel comfortable enough to move into those subterranean waters, courageously to revel in her own pleasure, to lose control. But she can't become truly uninhibited if she's still clinging to the shallow definitions of sexuality predetermined for her by male-centric media outlets. If she's trying to be "sexy" according to something she read or saw in Cosmo, then she's merely performing sex, and her body knows. Perhaps this is why it doesn't respond in kind; perhaps this, among other things, is a true, social source of the blockage.
So while we may not be able to do anything immediately to cure what ails American society, we as women can at least begin to subversively cultivate unconditionally loving relationships with ourselves. Treat yourself with kindness and patience, chart the map to your own bliss, and believe me, the rest will come. And so will you.
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I don't agree that women hate themselves and I actually don't think that that statement is supported by your conclusion. I think that, contrarily, there is not enough regard for women by themselves or society for them to even manifest the kind of hatred that would result in bodily dysfunction. I think it is that lack of regard that makes it so difficult to get in tune with the sexual processes that make us whole and it is that same lack of regard that isolates us in our feelings of failure from non-performance. I do agree that there is a connection between sexual performance and standards of feminine beauty, after all; The assumed role of women, that of being on the sex stage, is to provide the "audience" with something that is visually stimulating as well as physically stimulating. But, I don't think that a hatred can even develop to the extent that you're proposing when there is a general conditioning that men do come first, and as a result, they do. The hatred is more ideological than a real judgment of self-worth.
That said, I appreciate your article because it takes the routine (and at this point, hackneyed) criticism of societal standards of beauty and forms a critical theory of how those pressures affect us when they extend to the most intimate part of our lives. As it turns out, it's not about focusing on our inside or outside, but finding the intertextuality of the two that makes us whole and regard ourselves as worthy and capable individuals. (Oh yes, and have orgasms.) -M
September 24, 2009 - 2:09pmThis Comment
Audrey,
May 17, 2009 - 4:22pmI absolutely love the poetic quality of your writing and really couldn't agree more with you about the intensely personal nature of womens' pleasure.
I would add that there are men out there who can and want to help women love themselves and who genuinely love women, and can be a profound influence on going with a woman to that place of intimacy where she can really lose control.
Awesome article!
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