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Memories and Sexual Openness: How Bad Experiences Can Shut Us Down

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So your ex used to touch you like a monkey fingerpainting with a group of other monkeys in an unruly preschool.

It's not that you didn't have a sex drive, you just hated the way he touched you and you didn't have the
1 - cojones
2 - energy
3 - self-confidence
to ask him to please, please read a manual, talk to you, ask, observe, gain some sensitivity in his fingertips or whatever may have been necessary to make you, well, all melty.

You spent time thinking it was your fault and then you realized it wasn't and still could resolve the issue. You bought books, lubricant, lingerie, all in the hopes of improving matters in the bedroom. You chopped away at your wall of silence and sat with him, with candles, and read through the sex book thing IN your lingerie. Then you even guided him, took his hands, touched yourself with his hands in the ways you preferred. Nothing changed. So you broke up with him. (The bedroom woes were only symptomatic, I might add, there were so many other insensitivities as well).

Now you're single, quite smoking hot, a great head on your lovely shoulders, self sufficient and lonely. You want to connect with someone; heck you're even open to being wind swept along an ocean of love with magical sea nymphs drooling all over the lusty waves, but WHERE IS HE and, should he appear, HOW will you ever go near that potential disappointment again?

If you are like many of us, you will drink. This, unfortunately, will not provide a long term solution. It may enable you to get the "get up and go!" cheerleader part of you back into the lingerie that's just been sitting there in the drawer, but your emotional life, your very womanly essence, if you will, may be still stuck in that drawer as well.

While there are no easy answers to the questions about letting go and moving on, I suggest a few things to get your lust pedals turning in the right direction (that is, toward ecstasy... ahem...)

* Learn to touch yourself.

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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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