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Questions Women Ask Me About Sex Every Week

By Dr. Marty Klein Expert
 
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People ask me about sex every week, and they usually expect a straight answer. I’m more likely to talk about the question, which typically reveals a lot about the assumptions, history, and agenda of the person asking it.

My intention is more than simply giving information. I want to enhance people’s Sexual Intelligence—helping them see sex as being about more than penises, vaginas, and orgasms. There are people attached to those body parts we’re all so fascinated with, and that’s where my answers often start—with people.

Here are a few questions women ask me week after week.

Q:
How can I get him to slow down during sex?

A:
That’s easy. You look at him—make sure he’s looking at you, too—and you say “Honey, I’d enjoy that so much more if you’d do it more slowly. You do want me to enjoy sex with you a lot, right?” If he says not really, or “whatever,” then you have a bigger problem than sex, and you need to discuss that.

You also want to say that you want him to enjoy sex as much as possible, too. So invite him to touch you or make love with you more slowly, focusing on his erotic experience—the smells, tastes, and physical pleasure.

If he says he’ll touch you more slowly and doesn’t, and you discuss this oh, 30 or 40 times and he just can’t remember what you like, it’s time for a different conversation that has nothing to do with sex.

Q:
How can I compete with pornography?

A:
You can’t and you shouldn’t.

Porn is fiction that people use to get aroused. It features actors and actresses with very unusual bodies, not like yours or mine (well, mine, anyway). Sometimes they do very unusual things; sometimes they do common things, but do them in unusual ways—without kissing or hugging, for example, or without saying “hello,” or without using lube, birth control, or a flat surface.

When women say they feel they need to compete with porn, they often mean “my guy masturbates to porn when I wish he would have sex with me.” If that’s the case, you need to talk, not compete.

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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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