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People ask me about sex every week, and they usually expect a straight answer. I’m more likely to talk about the question, which typically reveals a lot about the assumptions, history, and agenda of the person asking it.
My intention is more than simply giving information. I want to enhance people’s Sexual Intelligence—helping them see sex as being about more than penises, vaginas, and orgasms. There are people attached to those body parts we’re all so fascinated with, and that’s where my answers often start—with people.
Here are a few questions women ask me week after week.
Q:
How can I get him to slow down during sex?
A:
That’s easy. You look at him—make sure he’s looking at you, too—and you say “Honey, I’d enjoy that so much more if you’d do it more slowly. You do want me to enjoy sex with you a lot, right?” If he says not really, or “whatever,” then you have a bigger problem than sex, and you need to discuss that.
You also want to say that you want him to enjoy sex as much as possible, too. So invite him to touch you or make love with you more slowly, focusing on his erotic experience—the smells, tastes, and physical pleasure.
If he says he’ll touch you more slowly and doesn’t, and you discuss this oh, 30 or 40 times and he just can’t remember what you like, it’s time for a different conversation that has nothing to do with sex.
Q:
How can I compete with pornography?
A:
You can’t and you shouldn’t.
Porn is fiction that people use to get aroused. It features actors and actresses with very unusual bodies, not like yours or mine (well, mine, anyway). Sometimes they do very unusual things; sometimes they do common things, but do them in unusual ways—without kissing or hugging, for example, or without saying “hello,” or without using lube, birth control, or a flat surface.
When women say they feel they need to compete with porn, they often mean “my guy masturbates to porn when I wish he would have sex with me.” If that’s the case, you need to talk, not compete. Sometimes women mean “my guy wants me to do stuff he saw watching porn.” You need to talk, not compete.
Everyone wishes their partner were perfect and extraordinary, whether in terms of their body, their income, or their lack of living relatives. Every adult has to come to terms with the fact that they will never, ever, ever have a perfect mate. Some people are so grief-stricken about this that they shop from mate to mate to mate, eternally looking for a perfect one. Other people are so angry about this that they punish the mate they have.
If your guy is like either of these, let him know how sympathetic you are about his frustration with the nature of life—and invite him to join you in an imperfect life with an imperfect mate. If he doesn’t want to do that, now’s the time to find out. And that’s not a sexual issue.
Q:
I’m afraid I don’t smell or taste good down there. My boyfriend likes to lick me, and I’m uncomfortable with the idea that he doesn’t really like it, or that one day he’ll stop because it’s unpleasant for him.
A:
First of all, it’s not “down there,” it’s your vulva (that’s the vagina plus the outer lips, inner lips, and clitoris). Consider this a friendly introduction; the beginning of a relationship that will last many, many years.
You should know that a healthy vulva smells and tastes just fine—although, as with every part of our bodies, there are variations from one woman to the next. If you have recurring concerns about the health of your vulva, go to a Planned Parenthood clinic or your private physician. They will either prescribe medicine for any infection you have, or they’ll give you a clean bill of health.
Once you’re cleared, all you have to do is wash your vulva in the shower along with the rest of your body. Don’t use any sprays, perfumes, or products to make you feel “fresh.” Soap and water is all you need.
Now on to the really important part of your question. You’re apparently nervous about trusting your boyfriend. So simply ask him: do you like the way I smell and taste? Do you actually enjoy licking me? Do you know you have a choice to not lick me when you don’t like my smell and taste, or when you’re just not in the mood? If he says yes, hug him, kiss him, and believe him.
And if you can’t possibly imagine your vulva smelling and tasting fine, just don’t lick it. Leave that to him.
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