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EmpowHER often hears from readers who have been recently diagnosed with an STI/STD and fear they will be rejected by potential new partners from then on. “Should I even tell?,” they ask us. “How do I say it?”
The truth is that it’s not easy, but yes, a person needs to be told. While many infections like gonorrhea or chlamydia can be treated by medication and then cleared completely from the body, many others are there to stay. There is no current cure from some of the most common infections like HPV and herpes, as well as what many consider the most serious, HIV.
The first thing to consider is where you got the STD from, something that’s hard to know precisely. If it’s from a current partner, then ask him if he’s aware that he has a STI that he spread to you. If you have never had sexual contact before, then it’s highly likely your partner was the source. Since he may not have been aware, give him the benefit of the doubt but insist you both go to a clinic together. If he is unwilling to discuss the topic, ending the relationship is probably the best – and safest – choice. If he doesn’t care about your welfare, he’s not the man for you.
But since many women are carrying infections like HPV or herpes, how does the conversation go when dating a new partner (male or female)? The first date isn’t the time. You may never see the man or woman again. Nor is a phone call, email or one of those STD postcards you can send to someone as a notification. After several dates and when it’s obvious you may end up as a couple and trust has been formed (and before you have had any kind of sexual contact), it’s time for a face to face conversation. Keep it simple and honest. It might be the simplest - yet toughest talk you've had in a long time. It's a good idea to start by telling him that you have something important to say because you like and respect him. Then explain that you were infected with [insert infection here] and that you have taken all the steps to maintain your health ever since. Advise him that condoms are a must but that you’re aware the risk of infection is there. Educate him briefly on what infection you have. And this short conversation is all it takes to tell a person you care for them and their health (and yours), but that you may be at risk of passing along the infection or virus.
Complaining about your ex who infected you, going into detail about your past relationships or telling him that practically everyone has some sort of infection these days isn’t appropriate. Finger pointing isn’t going to make the person feel any better – in fact, it may be a turn-off. At that moment, this is your problem, not his! Keeping things honest, simple and short is key. And the rest is up to him.
Whether he stays or goes will be something you have to accept without an argument. But the fact does remain that many people have been infected at some stage or another and at least 80 percent of people with more than one partner will certainly be exposed to an infection. Most people turn out to be quite accepting of the news, others less so – particularly something like being HIV-positive because although it’s more of a chronic disease these days, many still die from it and serious life consequences are directly affected – from having children to the cost of medications and even life insurance. Other STIs can affect fertility and can potentially cause diseases like cancer.
Many people choose to hide their infections from partners, and there are serious and often legal consequences to not owning up to your health status, particularly with something like HIV, where a prison term can result if a you knowingly have sex with a person while carrying this infection. Besides, how would you feel if someone did that to you?
So if you do have an infection that you need to tell a new partner about, sit down with him and have the conversation, as hard as it is. You’ll feel far better afterward. Because when you imagine being on the receiving end of the news, you know it’s the right thing to do. Even if he decides to end the relationship, you’ll have your self-respect and integrity and although it didn’t work out, it’s likely he’ll feel the same way about you, too.
Tell Us
Have you had to tell someone you have a sexually transmitted infection? How did he or she take the news? How did you go about telling them?
Edited by Alison Stanton
Add a Comment1 Comments
I think it's essential to tell your partner is you have HSV-2 or HIV, sure. HPV? Um, not sure about that one! The CDC even say that informing partners of a past HPV infection has shown to have little benefit as most people carry it. Virtually everyone who has HPV, regardless of strain will "clear" it. Whether that means it becoming dormant like VSV or it just clears like the common flu, we simply don't know. Regardless of what doctors tell you, HPV has many unknown characteristics. We still have a lot to learn.
August 24, 2012 - 4:04pmThis Comment