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It isn't only about body size. Women have a way of sizing each other up that can be fiercely competitive and unforgiving. Quick witted, speedily processing women tend to look down on slower, more tranquil women and women who regularly practice yoga and meditation can be harshly critical of their reality television watching sisters. In the workplace, more experienced women can be intolerant and condescending toward less experienced women and young women can laugh behind the backs of older women. For women interacting with their children and other childrens' mothers in play groups, for women on the job outside the home and women running the show in the home meeting with other women can be the very high point and the very lowest of the low points of our lives.
Whether we are straight, bi-sexual or lesbian, women need other women. I think the wounds women can inflict on each other run so deep because of this tremendous need. For many of us, the wounds we experience from men are profound. Yet we somehow cling to this idea or ideal of sisterhood in the face of the unspoken understanding that things are bound to be tough with our relationships with men. If we are betrayed or shunned by other women - left out, rejected or snubbed, it hurts so deeply that sometimes we never fully recover.
Our instinct to belong, our need to fit in, our competitive edge, all of these can serve us well, make us strong, create our families, give us our friendships and our community. But when taken too far or when we are too insecure, we can be harsh, negative, unfeeling, condescending, exclusive, gossiping and hurtful. As much as women want to belong, we need to remember that not all women come in the same size. The fashion industry has done more to leave women out than the food industry. Not only does the media create a frenzy around what clothing size a woman wears, it also drums up a sort of hysteria about how fashion savvy a woman is. "Woman's Films" which center around fashion and being on trend can make it seem as if those women who don't know their Jimmy Choos from their Payless are completely without worth as human beings. (See the Real Housewives of Any Town)
Women at work who do things a certain way need to remember that other women can work very, very differently from them and still achieve admirable results. Straight women need to understand that other straight women may not have the same taste in hair, clothes, sexual practices or dating styles. Lesbian women, too, need to have tolerance for all manner of look, dress, style and approach, levels of openness and personal growth.
Ultimately, we are all human but we are all as different as our fingerprints. There is not a single one of us who does things or feels things in precisely the same way as any other. In looking to belong, or be the best, or stand out, or fit in, take care to use kinder words than you may have thought you needed to; to respect the differences we have and the diversity among us.
Just because we say we care doesn't mean we always act as if we do.
I point this out because I believe that many of us are great at showing respect and tolerance in extreme situations - if someone is disabled or ill - but very thoughtless and sometimes even cruel in more mundane situations when people are just expected to work or live in a cooperative fashion. As women, one of the most remarkable gifts we can give to ourselves and each other is simply to accept each other without hostility. It touches us when a women is kind to us, sometimes affecting us even more deeply than when a man shows us kindness.
Get those olive branches and hold them out to your female friends; you may find yourself in their smiles.
Aimee Boyle lives works and writes in CT. She is often amazed at the rejection of women by women.
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