Asperger's Parents and Neurotypical Children

I suffered the unfortunate double-whammy of being adopted by a father with Asperger's. He has never been diagnosed professionally, but the symptoms are abundantly clear. My adoptive mother is NT and completely submissive to her emotionally disabled husband. Apparently in 1975 it was enough to have a clean criminal background and a steady job if you wanted to adopt children. Nobody was bothering to give comprehensive psychological evaluations first. While it would be unfair to expect that people with Asperger's should be disallowed from procreating, I think they should be dissuaded from raising children. They definitely under no circumstances should be allowed to adopt a stranger's offspring. I agree with the other commenters who speculated that being raised by an emotionally vacant parent is a form of child abuse. In my case this compounded the myriad problems which were presented after being abandoned by my genetic family. My chaotic childhood left me with deep scars well into adulthood. Being raised by people who are not one's genetic mirrors is harmful enough. When one of those parents is also afflicted with Asperger's the results can be catastrophic. Fortunately my biological parents blessed me with strong genes, which gave me the intellectual fortitude to search for the real answers as to why my family always felt so insanely messed up. It was all there - my father's inability to understand my personal world view AT ALL, his permanent insistence that he knew best no matter what the scenario, his fixation with things the rest of us found trivial and unimportant, his inability to make any meaningful emotional connections, and above all else the epic, unnecessary and unpredictable meltdowns. This last piece is what really pushed my own personal despair over the edge. My father had no qualms about freaking out over the stupidest things at the drop of a hat. Many times these unexpected outbursts would come in public around my friends and complete strangers. I stopped counting the number of times people asked me what was wrong with him. I never had an answer for them. What made matters worse was that my NT mother would go along with him so as not to rock the boat herself. This left them with a permanent "us-against-the-kid" mentality. This is how I wound up being shopped around to various child-psychologists. I am convinced my parents kept looking for a professional to validate all their negative behaviors towards me. All the emphasis was put on ME and how MY actions contributed to the emotional anarchy in our household. Not once did a single family member, teacher, doctor, psychologist or other professional ever step forward and suggest that maybe, just maybe the imbalances laid with my parents instead of me. My personal desires were never taken seriously. My talents in art and music were brushed off as hobbies, when in reality I should have been encouraged to explore them professionally. Instead, my engineer father and schoolteacher mother incessantly pushed school on me in the hopes I would pick up on one of their pursuits. For instance - both my parents were teachers. I personally hate children, and have no patience. However, my father constantly asks why I've never considered teaching. I try to explain that music and art are the only things I'm interested in, yet anytime they have an opportunity to encourage me in that direction they show no interest. My father just gives me a confused look like "how do you think you'll ever become successful at that?" and then goes right back to suggesting pursuits that only he seems interested in. I have missed out on so many opportunities to better myself simply because their second-guessing has clouded my better judgement for myself. I have also lost out on friendships with people I admire, simply because the trauma of being around my family's perpetual psychological drama have proven to be too exhausting. My aunt is a clinical psychologist, and has watched our family's dynamic from the sideline for decades. She was the one who confirmed my father's illness for me. To all the commenters on here who are saying "its not an illness" or "you just don't understand people with Asperger's" I say this - call it what you will, the truth is the truth. My father, and his emotional deficiencies, destroyed any chances of me having a happy childhood and a well-adjusted adulthood. My mother's co-dependency sealed my fate. At 43 years old I can honestly say I am finished trying to compromise a healthy relationship out of the rubble. They never should have been allowed to adopt me. My best hope right now is walking away from this ugly situation so I at least have some shot at the rest of my life not being remotely as dysfunctional as the first part was. My only feelings lately are anger, frustration, resentment and loneliness. Having a parent with Asperger's was 100% responsible for this...

The overwhelming negativity towards people with AS/ASP in these comments is staggering and quite frankly makes me sick; as well as the fact that AS/ASP is constantly reffered to as an illness is quite frankly disgusting. AS/ASD is a neurological difference not some illness to be cured. Furthermore as the child of a loving carring parent with AS/ASD i can say that i am just as maladjusted as any person with a neurotypical parent.

I really get that one person might enjoy their marriage with an AS person. I don't feel it is fair to say that, that is good. 99.9% of relationships are toxic, abusive and over the top stressful with an AS partner, unless that partner is also AS - even at that - I've read stories of utter exhaustion and co-dependency. Some women ( majority are men) give up some aspect of themselves, their needs, dreams in order to "stay". I question the fact that someone says they are in a healthy relationship with an AS man. It might be, but nothing to hold above others that have not. As it is so rare. Really, there is so much damage done to a NT person. I know! This damage can be un-done, nonetheless a journey back to ones self. I'm watching my daughter grow up with a AS father ( we are not together anymore) and I see. how hard it is. Though it certainly is not close the insanity I had with ( and continue to have) with my AS father. Their brains just cannot activate in certain areas, they struggle to be " normal" with areas working that are able to do the task of the areas that are not working. Therefore it feels impossible, because it mostly is. Yes, it is a mental illness, just like a brain trauma, Bi-polar or any other mental illness. It isn't something to be glorified. The brain has inflammation on top of the areas that do not work. Indeed, it is damaged brain. When someone comes on and tries to glorify it, make light of it, make it normal, I scream! It is NOT. Please do not patronize someone else because you happen to be someone that either suffers through it, or has found some way of accepting the challenges and not having a relationship with an NT. Very few people can deal with an AS partner, very very few. If you truly are happy, awesome! Don't tell other people it can be done, b/c that is unfair.