I was just discharged yesterday from CTCA and now I am back again. I was feeling OK this morning and as the day went on I felt more winded, my back was killing me and my stomach hurt. My best friend Christine came into town today to hang with me through the week. We ran a couple of errands today and then by the time I got home I was starting to feel a little sick. I was running a slight fever. I called the care manager and decided it was better to be safe and go back to CTCA to get checked out. They did some xrays and tests and found that I may have the start of a pneumonia (thank goodness I came in) and I am pretty constipated from all of the pain killers.
Lately, I have been feeling more and more sad. I start thinking of all the things that I want to do and I just can’t do them. I really miss yoga and pilates. I miss being able to travel freely. I am in pain every second of the day and it makes it difficult when thinking of planning a trip. I miss being able to just go on a walk. I have been pushing to get into rehab, but things keep getting in the way. Hopefully now that the lung issue is resolved I will be able to finally start physical and occupational therapy. I am definitely the type of person that needs to be physically active to keep a sane mind.
I am worried and anxious for the petscan. I think I have the petscan next week. This will tell if the cancer is regressing or not. My hair is falling out everywhere and is very obvious now. I didn’t want to cut it until I knew if I was staying on the taxotere or not. I really hope this chemo is working. I am afraid that I will get to a point where we will run out of options. When I look at myself in the mirror, I just see a person who is sick. My skin is so sallow and pale from not being in the sunlight, my hair is thin and stringy, and my body is definitely not the same as it use to be. When I look back at some of the earlier photos of being hospitalized, I feel like I still looked healthy and vibrant. I don’t think there is any makeup that can help me now.
I haven’t been able to sleep normal hours again. I have gone back to my old habit of shopping online in the middle of the night. I need to kick this habit because I’m not getting any sleep. I’m sure it’s not helping me get better either.
I can’t believe it’s been 9 months that I have been knowingly living with this cancer. It seems so surreal in a way. I wonder what people are saying about me. Do they think I am dying? Are they worried I won’t get better? Do they think I will fight this disease? I spoke with Steve Burton today and he had a good point. The cancer really has not spread to any new areas. It is just growing in the areas that we knew about from the beginning. I guess that’s good. I wish there was something that would tell me what would lie ahead. I feel like I have been pretty positive for so long and now I just need to have some sort of good news to keep me energized.