I am an extremely happy, well-adjusted 18 year-old young woman. I am very optimistic and outgoing, I love my life, I love my friends, and I am absolutely in love with the world of academia I am now immersed in. I have very strong feelings of euphoria about 99% of the time; one could say it's almost like an ongoing fit of 'mania', yet not recklessly. I am just really, really happy. I channel all this energy I have into productive things like exercise, friendships, work, and school. However, I also happen to have period of random suicidal thoughts, which happens about 1% of the time, and I also have a very difficult time with romantic relationships. I get extremely intense feelings of attraction or emotion towards men, and it terrifies me at the strength of these feelings. I will freak out, become rageful and vindictive, act in very manipulative and avoidant ways towards them, and every time in the past when I've fall in love, I find myself transforming into this unrecognizably insecure, almost psychotic and possessive stalker. Everything a guy does will either leave me elated or have my spiraling into a depression. I have extremely close and healthy friendships with people, yet my romantic/sexual relationships are extremely unhealthy. Right now I am single and not dating anyone, and I find that this is the only time I am truly happy and secure, but as soon as I start becoming interested in someone, it slowly begins to erode my sense of self-worth, independence, and emotional stability. Because I am INTENSE when I like someone, and I fall extremely hard, even after only knowing them a few weeks! I never really admitted this before, and it's horrible to even think, but I think the suicidal thoughts actually happen when or if I don't get enough attention from a particular man's recognition of my abilities (either my intellect, sexuality, or personality). I find it really disturbing, and have been looking things up about borderline syndrome. I find I have very intense emotions all the time, 99% of which are happy and positive, and I have an extremely intense work ethic which is wonderful because it allows me to be very successful professionally and academically. Yet the anger and negative emotions I have are scary, my best friends know to be patient with me and I find myself not feeling as angry at them for things they do, yet I find it very hard to trust people, especially men I'm attracted to, and when I'm stressed or feeling vulnerable I seem to regress into almost antisocial and manipulative tendencies towards men I'm interested in, to protect myself emotionally., i.e charming them, flattering them, and if they don't respond the way I want I will fly into a vengeful rage, or at times when they do respond to me. I know if I get close to a man he will lose interest in me, as has happened sometimes before, (because the intensity of my feelings are more than his) so I maintain my distance. I don't understand, and feel like it's an aspect of my life that's really hindering me, and I'd like to overcome it. I've seen therapists before, but spending an hour speaking aloud about my innermost thoughts absolutely terrifies me and actually makes these emotions of mine way worse; I feel vulnerable and narcissistic spending an hour talking about myself, feel like they must think I am completely psychotic, and wind up resorting to using the same tactics I usually use on men when I'm vunerable (i.e manipulation, charm, flattery, spinning the conversation around on them, avoidance, and if that doesn't work, flying into a rage) on my therapists, and wind up leaving feeling even more crazy and misunderstood than before. I know I can't just be simply a totally manipulative person towards people: it's just I have a lot of heartbreak in my past, and I want to protect myself. I really really want to get over this and have healthy relationships :(. I've seen psychiatrists in the past, and they have actually diagnosed me with ADHD, (which might explain my bursts of energy and work/concentration), but also have tried to diagnose me with depression and bipolar disorder. but I don't believe I have that, because like I said before, I am really really happy most of the time. My disposition is very optimistic and positive, but those rare times I feel such a strong anger towards people, impulsivity, and suicidal thoughts are what is concerning, as well as hindering my relationships with others and aiding to my avoidance of intimacy. Any advice or help would be appreciated; I find it much easier to voice these concerns over an anonymous forum online. I really hope I don't sound utterly psychotic:/
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