How do you deal with conversation disorder when it's changed your whole life?

By Smallz June 2, 2017 - 12:17am

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I just found out 2 months ago that I have Conversation Disorder. I have been through hell and back the last 2 years. I've been to specialist after specialist. Doing test after test. I have wanted to kill myself so many times the last 2 years that I can't even count. My life the last 2 years has the hospital or the ER. And I am so sick of people when they say it's all in your head. It's hard to explain to people how one day you are walking and the next your not. I keep passing out when I stand for more than a couple of seconds and don't walk. I have been put through the ringer. I have been trying to get a permanent wheelchair and I was just in hospital where they did PT and to my primary doctor who has been great with. He told me that he was going keep trying to figure out what was going on and for 2 years he has been fighting for me. He wrote the prescription for the wheelchair and went to get it and find out that I live in a zip code that medicare has labeled competitive zone which means I can only go to certain places to get the wheelchair. I went to the one place and they that they don't order wheelchairs they only do rentals. They took my prescription and faxed to St. Paul where would call me to order the wheelchair. No one ever called me so I called them and they said well we have get a PT to see you first and they are only at certain Courage Kenny centers not all of them. So I scheduled it but I can't get in until the end of July. I have one thing after another happen. The doctor told my sister that it would only last a couple of weeks and she's always on me saying it's going to better soon or you just have to be positive but how can I be positive when I've been through this hell for 2 years. I wasn't diagnosed until 2 1/2 months ago but I've been dealing for 2 years. My sister doesn't understand that it doesn't get better overnight and that I am trying my hardest to get back to my life that I once had. I hate it when people don't understand that I can't help what happens. That if I could I would walk and be able to stand. Not be depressed because your whole life has changed and no one understands how it is. How hard it is to get to want to get bed. How it feels not to have hope or fight because your tired and you can't do it anymore. I hope no one has to find out how hard it is but sometimes I wish they would be in my shoes for just a day and see how I feel. How do you keep going on like this? I have right side weakness, I pass out when I stand more than a couple of seconds, I can't walk, I don't sleep much because my muscles twitch, I always have headaches, my memory use to be really great now I can't remember anything, I cry a lot and am very emotional, I get blurry vision at times, I have high anxiety all the time I never have energy and I get really sweaty but I'm really cold, I have that I just don't right feeling a lot. I'm just tired and needing so advice from someone who's been through it and someone just to listen and not judge.