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I am not sure my boyfriend is attracted to me. Please help!!!

By July 22, 2009 - 11:05pm
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My boyrfriend and I have been together for just a little over 10 months now. We are both divorced and in our very early 30's. Our relationship, for the most part, has been wonderful. We do everything together and talk about everything...we have no secrets from eachother. We have arguments like anyone else but I wouldn't say they are very bad. We have been talking about marriage and having a child together for the last couple months (he brought it up) and I think he is going to propose soon. (I overheard him talking about the ring.) However, our sex life has been the exception to everything else in our relationship. I love making love with him but he acts like he really doesn't care about it. For example, we are both in bed relaxed and i start kissing on him, he will make up an excuse as to why he doesn't want to make love with me, ie im too tired, have bladder infection, headache, stressed etc. It is never about getting in the mood, the idea is cut off right from the start. We had not made love for about 3 weeks and when we tried, he couldn't get an erection. No big deal, we cuddled and I assured him it was fine...it happens. A few days later, same thing, couldn't get erect at all. That was a week and a half ago. We tried tonite and still nothing. I asked him if he is masturbating and he said he has and last time was four days ago. He had no problem getting an erection or ejaculating then, so there probably isnt anything wrong with him. I feel like he is not attracted to me at all. He doesn't look at me with desire, even when I am naked, and he doesn't touch me in sexual ways unless we were making love. He tells me he IS attracted to me and it's not me it's him. I love this man sooo much and I want to marry him more than anything in the world but I am not sure that I can go the rest of my life without having sex. Please somebody give me some advice..I am desperate.

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EmpowHER Guest

I went through a similar thing recently. Wasn't having sex for about a month even though everything was great. We were together for 8 yrs and lived together (still do, waiting for him to move out at the end of the month) then he send me a text out of the blue stating he didn't find me sexually attracted and that he didn't know what he wanted anymore. I find it strange that he is willing to throw it all away... I'm still confused and hurt.

April 18, 2016 - 12:29pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Out of the blue for you, possibly. However, he's been thinking about it for a long time. I'm 17 years in and it's all that's been on my mind for the past 2 years.
I love our life, I 100% hate her lack of sensuality and desire to fulfill my needs.
We have a child. I'm in it until we've raised a strong, confident, and independent person... Cannot say for sure what'll happen after that, but my requests aren't unreasonable, and I really feel like it's all her undoing.

April 26, 2017 - 9:37am
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend is the same way. He's 22 years old and is a middle school teacher (he got the job while still in college). He's currently buying a house. I can't figure out what the issue is. He has the world in the palm of his hand. We hooked up in college before we were together but now that we are together he doesn't seem as attracted to me. I had a son almost a year ago with my ex that I placed up for adoption and him and I started dating after that and I'm afraid that that's why he is t as attracted to me. It's heartbreaking. This is the man I plan on marrying g and he just doesn't seem into me anymore sexually.

March 6, 2016 - 8:49pm
EmpowHER Guest

I've been with my bf for less than a year. Started staying in with him after 8 mths. Initially, our sex life was great when he had to come to my place to see me and I couldn't stay over at his place every night. After I had moved in with him, things changed drastically. He is no longer aroused when he's with me, not like before. I'm hurt and I tried understanding why. 95% of the times I have to initiate sex. Is he no longer interested in me or is he just too stressed at work?

February 6, 2016 - 7:47am
EmpowHER Guest

I'm in a really similar situation and have been trying to figure out what's wrong. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. He says he loves me and is very attracted to me, that I am the most beautiful woman in the world etc. but his actions don't line up. He is really affectionate and is always kissing and touching me, but never in a more sexual way. If I try to start making out and touch his body more suggestively he will pull away and start doing something else as if he didn't get what I was implying. He never looks at me with desire when I'm naked, he laughs or shrugs it off if I send him flirty texts or sexy pictures. He's really awkward and doesn't seem to understand my usually very obvious attempts to turn him on, or maybe he's just pretending so we don't have to have sex. Sometimes I have to come out and say the words, and then he'll usually act annoyed like it's a bother and say he's too tired or has a headache, all the usual excuses. It makes me feel so unsexy and unwanted, and the thing is it's been this way since the beginning! But when we do have sex it IS great, he always comes and seems to enjoy it, and he takes care of me and makes sure I am satisfied too. We have talked about it and I almost broke up with him over it and now he is trying to make an effort to have more sex. But that doesn't feel good either because I want him to naturally be turned on my me, not to have to "try"!! So now when we have sex I feel like he is just doing it out of pity or whatever, which doesn't get ME turned on. He says the words and tries to start foreplay but I just don't believe that he is actually sexually attracted. What is the problem?! Are we just mismatched, does he have a low libido, is he maybe even asexual?! It makes me really frustrated :(

January 21, 2016 - 6:08pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Omg!!! It seems as if I am you write this post. I am going thru the exact situation. Please do tell what outcome have you had if any.

September 13, 2017 - 9:17pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Did you ever figure this one out? I feel as though I could have written this comment, basically every detail rings true with me. I've been trying to figure out how to interpret my situation/what to do.

September 9, 2017 - 7:16am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I know some of the posts are really old, but hopefully I can help someone by sharing my experience. I was married for almost 8 years with exactly one of these partners that you describe here. I was 21 and he was 24 when we got married and bc of the culture and going to church thing we didn't have sex before marriage or any other type of sexual touching besides regular kissing. We got married and he was never into me. 8 years of bagging for sex exactly the same bs excuses. The problem was 4 months after marriage I caught him going to prostitutes. And all of the years he was on and off struggling with porn, prostitutes, accounts on hooking up sites, masturbating 5 times a day over Craigslist adds of prostitutes....I finally left him after 8 years. I never felt so humiliated and worthless. From my experience these men have some type of sexual addictions even if it's just masturbating. Training your brain to get arroused over porn or masturbation will leave you insensitive to the real thing. These men have no problem getting hard or wanting sex under the "right" conditions. The problem is we are not that. On top of that is the guilt and feeling disgusted by themselves. This is not normal ladies. These men are sick and will mess up with your self esteem big time, with your worth, your feminity, will make you torture yourself what's wrong with you and make you lose sleep and give you depression. They have some other stuff on the side that they deal with and don't want to be bothered. They are addicted to porn and other things besides normal like a man and a woman laying in bed next to each other cuddling and making out will turn them on.
Before I divorced my ex I found him on a hooking up site and got myself a fake profile and entertained him for over 18 hours straight with talking. So he told me in that conversation (thinking I'm just a hooker) that goes wife is good looking but is in his DNA to look for other women and all what he always wanted is to experience with all sort of different bodies. Here also said he's looking for quality sex (from the hookers ) and that he's very sexual and needs a lot of sex (although he seemed he never had sex on his mind while we were together). That was enough for me to go straight to court and divorce him.
After divorce I dated a lot of men who told me how good looking and smoking hot I am and built my self esteem. Now I'm with my boyfriend of 2 years and he always calls me "sexy beast" and princess and beautiful and sexy. Here just told me last night that he's very happy that he gets turned on by me as soon as he touches me or kisses me.
Living my ex was the best decision of my life. I have a special needs son with him and had no job and no nothing when I left him but I was so devastated I told myself I don't stay with him any minute longer even if I end up homeless. Well I never ended up homeless I got a degree in medical field since then and I met a very good man who now is my bf and he is a million times better looking than my ex and sexier with a 6 pack and defined muscles all over. My bf cherish me and praise me and gets involved in raising my special needs son.
Especially those of you who plan on marring these sexually unavailable men, make yourself a favor and think this through. If he s not attracted to you in your 20s or 30s he won't get turned on by you in your 50s. They battle their own demons and you are the one who pays the price. He's getting he's needs met some other way, I'm not saying he's physically cheating but he watches porn or masturbates or both our has his own fanthesis that you are not a part of. Don't waste your time with this kind of men. You are not getting more younger and more beautiful than this. if a man doesn't enjoy you now and appreciate you now he's not gonna write you poems 10 years down the road about how beautiful and sexy you are. As women we have needs and this is essential to us as the man we sleep with to praise us and think we are damn sexy. Begging for sex and feeling unwanted and insecure is not every woman's dream.
To want to have sex with your woman should be natural. Struggling with trying and forcing yourself to want it it's just a shame.

September 8, 2017 - 7:37am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

This sound like you're describing my relationship ! I managed to get him to go to counselling which helped a bit but then we stopped going ( as the councillor thought we didn't need it anymore) but it's gone back to the way it was. Him masturbating and not wanting sex. When we met I felt attractive now I feel terrible and feel like there's no point trying to be feminine etc around him. When we do have sex I have to initiate it,because I'm at my wits end waiting for him to come to me, and I feel like I'm just a body to use for the equivalent of masterbating rather than his hot girlfriend he wants to fuck. My ex was a piece of shit , complete opposite of my current boyfriend, but at least he made me feel on top of the world about my body.
We've talked about the issue so much but nothing helps- apart from me getting used to it and not expecting to have sex.

July 30, 2017 - 4:03am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I have personally gone through the same thing over and over. My suspended fiancé and I started off hot and heavy then in under a month sex dropped off to 1-2 a month. He would flirt and grope and leave with no interest in sex several times a day and ignore me when I would wear lingerie. He would brush me off when I initiated and would say "I had a doughnut" when he wouldn't have an erection. When he did initiate it was like doing laundry, no passion just a chore. I am a very fit 38-21-38 with transparent skin, maridah'a hair, and a good face(did modeling). He was having some ED issues which is fine, then I found out that although I have the shape he likes everything else about me is not his preference. He would fantasize about other women every time he was with me and began masterbaitimg to porn 3x a day when his fantasies started to run out. Here is the thing, if a man is using the fantasy part of his brain (watching porn is there too)and rewarding himself with strong chemical reactions that part of his brain is what triggers his sexual desire, not physical people because he hasn't worked out that brain muscle. Men, regardless of what they say place themselves in the scene with the woman, it is scientifically proven. It is more about emotional escape, intimacy avoidance and long term habits. By doing this they do not build healthy emotional bonds with their real partner, are less attracted to them, objectify women, feel sexually inadequate while engaging in physical sexual activity, and suffer from porn induced ED, which can happen with fantasy masterbaition as well. My ex-husband used porn, his genre escalated (which is common) and he became sexually violent with me. My ex-fiancé became addicted (also common) and is now on sexual detox from his therapist. He has intimacy issues from his parents and was sexually abused by his ex-wife, who criticized his performance and his penis. Although he loves me and thinks I'm attractive he admits that he finds curvy Hispanic women very attractive and his actions were separate from me. He also thought that he was being a good partner. He knows now by engaging in selfish pleasure, neglecting my needs, projecting, and judging me he was not. Most importantly he now sees that criticizing any part of a female is equivalent to having his penis criticized. He is getting the physiological help he needs for his past and for his addiction habits, and learning how to deal with depression and stress in a more healthy way. I have moments that I understand it has nothing to do with me, in those moments I am firm and say "This is your issue and if I'm the person you want to be with then you need to take care of it before you even consider coming this way. I refuse to live the rest of my life feeling unloved by someone I adore who should hold me just as high, it is unfair to everyone." On my bad days I have a list of all the medical procedures, workouts, and cosmetic things I need to do to be noticed, loved and desired. I realize this can be very damaging, can last the rest of my life, I might never feel secure, but I know I'll have good days too, and I love his so very much even through all the pain. I hope this gives insight.

March 9, 2017 - 9:55am
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