Facebook Pixel

I am not sure my boyfriend is attracted to me. Please help!!!

By July 22, 2009 - 11:05pm
Rate This

My boyrfriend and I have been together for just a little over 10 months now. We are both divorced and in our very early 30's. Our relationship, for the most part, has been wonderful. We do everything together and talk about everything...we have no secrets from eachother. We have arguments like anyone else but I wouldn't say they are very bad. We have been talking about marriage and having a child together for the last couple months (he brought it up) and I think he is going to propose soon. (I overheard him talking about the ring.) However, our sex life has been the exception to everything else in our relationship. I love making love with him but he acts like he really doesn't care about it. For example, we are both in bed relaxed and i start kissing on him, he will make up an excuse as to why he doesn't want to make love with me, ie im too tired, have bladder infection, headache, stressed etc. It is never about getting in the mood, the idea is cut off right from the start. We had not made love for about 3 weeks and when we tried, he couldn't get an erection. No big deal, we cuddled and I assured him it was fine...it happens. A few days later, same thing, couldn't get erect at all. That was a week and a half ago. We tried tonite and still nothing. I asked him if he is masturbating and he said he has and last time was four days ago. He had no problem getting an erection or ejaculating then, so there probably isnt anything wrong with him. I feel like he is not attracted to me at all. He doesn't look at me with desire, even when I am naked, and he doesn't touch me in sexual ways unless we were making love. He tells me he IS attracted to me and it's not me it's him. I love this man sooo much and I want to marry him more than anything in the world but I am not sure that I can go the rest of my life without having sex. Please somebody give me some advice..I am desperate.

Add a Comment70 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

This sounds exactly like my relationship, except mine now fiancee doesn't even seen excited during sex. It breaks my heart. He insists he is happy and excited, just reserved. I just don't buy it.

September 9, 2016 - 1:39pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I feel the same way. Me and my brother been together for 5 months and he is alittle older than me, but when ever I get naked he doesn't look at me or when I dance he doesn't look at me. I just don't get it, I'm not being conceded but I'm young and nice looking. He also loves to watch porn and I have no problem with that but he gets hard to that but he doesn't get hard when I play with my self. I don't know if I need help or what.

August 19, 2016 - 3:18am
(reply to Anonymous)

My bf is so affectionate and he's always doing what he can, like fixing things, building things I've mentioned in passing, we bonded over loosing a loved one. Sparks flew, fireworks the whole 9 yards. We have alot commoninterests, and take turns doing what is different. He brings me breakfast in bed on weekends, always opens doors, and acting like gentleman. The first few times we were iintimate he was mortified when he couldn't get erection. I'm almost 40, he's 44. It happens. No biggy. I boosthis cconfidence in my t ruely understanding. Two to four times a day everyday he initiates. The last few weeks he hasn't seemed to have any trouble and sex is always great. Only I picked up his phone to hand him and skinny girls porn was on screen.I'm a lil fluffy, ha 6 babies, and comfortable in my mom bod. I realized when we start making out on moments notice things heat up quickly, then he's gotta pee. Ok, few min later he back. and ready to go. I thought ok, whatever issue was is fixed. Only now i kow he's tta have help cause I don't doit for him. Well I guess I don't do it for his body. I am tryin to figure out a way to both grow in uourrelationship. We willing to come up w solution together but don't know where to start

March 7, 2016 - 8:18am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Dragonfly76)

I'm so sorry that you found out that way... I hope you haven't lost your confidence and comfort in your own body though! You sound like a wonderful mother.

August 15, 2016 - 11:01pm

I'm having the same me and my fiance have been together for almost 2 years we have good days and bad he makes me happy and I think I make him happy but we can go weeks without sex, and it kills me I need it to relieve stress and he will say he's not in the mood tired we will tomorrow etc. But then when we do he doesn't look at my body he never looks at me desirably he aims to cum and were done he will even masterbate after sex and not cm if he's looking at me. but will if I leave ,I feel as he thinks of another woman. He has a history of watching porn in secret I don't like it bc he looks up woman with bigger breast and bigger butt than I have EVERY SINGLE TIME. They are always more beautiful than.me a perfect body, its made me insecure he says he lives my body but ive never seen him look up someone like me.Like I feel that's what he wants I'm just what he ha.s he will lie when he has been on it try to hide it he has taken my phone while I was asleep in the shower even right beside me and told me he was downloading music but he was watching porn. I feel like if you can fantasize about another woman he will cheat in person. Ive caught him looking at woma s boobs and butt. he has watched it on his mom's phone in public while she left the car he says he did just to look but I'm so insecure now he's showed me what he thinks is sexy and I'm not that I don't feel sexy I don't feel like he likes my body but he tells me he loves it we have a 7 mnth old daughter together he wants to stay together bc he "loves" me and doesn't want to lose her but I don't want to be with a liar that continues to fantasize about another woman he has rejected me and then watched porn. Idk what to do I did want to marry him he has told me continually be will stop and change it takes three months and again. Then He will blame it bc I did something someone please help me

January 20, 2016 - 5:47pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to sparkingproblems)

I know you love him and he loves you and you have history and happiness together but it might be time to take a break. You deserve to feel loved and wanted and beautiful. It's fine if people have their preferences (whether strictly in porn or real life), because it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but I'd say the least he could do is own up to that and start taking more efforts to treat you as lovingly as he does with the ladies on screen.

August 15, 2016 - 11:11pm
EmpowHER Guest

I met my boyfriend because i initiated sex with him before we even started dating. eventually after being friends with benefits (of me initiating sex) He kind of asked me about dating and we became committed. At first we did have sex quite a bit. He would get jealous of guys i used to be with and he acted like he wanted to hang out all the time. I could always tell that he was hiding something though. I could tell he wasnt really that attracted to me. All of the girls on his face book and instagram are so beautiful and i felt like he always wished i was smaller like them. I am five ft. 8 and weigh between 150 and 155. I wouldnt say i ugly but i am def not like the girls he seems to be attracted to. I noticed slowly he wasnt interested in sex as much. I also found porn on his computer. he also tried hiding that he hung out with some other girl he had sex with a long time ago that is now with his friend. But she is very pretty. He never wants to take me out to dinner or on a date. He never wants to pay me back when i barrow him money. He is handsome but not anything out of the ordinary. he seems distant and i try talking with him about it and he gets mad. When i ask him if hes attracted to me he gets mad and he says he thinks i am. but why doesnt he want sex anymore? he never compliments me. He seems disinterested in anything romantic or sexual. he never plans anything nice for me. he never talks to me much about anything. i love him so much. i just dont know what to do anymore.

January 20, 2016 - 10:44am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

It doesn't really sound like he is interested in being in a relationship with you anymore. He is clearly showing you with his actions. I would say he saying it with his words but it doesn't seem like the two of you seak much. He shows you no love nor affection and borrows money and never pays back, when you try to open up and speak to him about concerns that you have about your relationship he gets made! Have you ever taken into consideration that maybe he is just around for convenience. You love so much and it doesn't appear that he feels the same. You deserve to be loved as much as you love others.

January 29, 2016 - 4:01am
EmpowHER Guest

I was in a similar situation right up until yesterday. Me and my boyfriend of 8 months have always had slightly awkward sex. He will kiss for ages, but has no interest in foreplay. I could stand naked in front of him and he wouldn't bat an eyelid, he never touched my breasts much and didn't seem to care about anything other than getting his penis in me. It hurt my feelings quite a lot, and made me feel like he wasn't attracted to me. What was worse; he would try and have normal conversations during sex, he wouldn't turn down the TV and wouldn't even put his dog out the room - it was VERY awkward for me. He came every time from having sex, but never seemed to care about getting me off. He called me bossy if I ever asked him to do anything. One night I asked him what was wrong and he didn't seem to even know what I was talking about, he said sex with me was great and he saw no problem with it. In the end, I broke up with him, because I know how good sex can be if it's with someone who IS obviously attracted to you and makes the effort to show you this through actions when you get intimate. I decided I didn't want to give up good sex forever, despite how much I liked my boyfriend.

My advice to you is that you need to make a choice. It may not be that he's not attracted to you, it may be because he's inexperienced or even selfish in bed. The nicest people in the world can be extremely selfish in bed. Whatever the case, if it hasn't improved after 10 months it isn't going to now. You need to make a choice; a lifetime with someone YOU love, but who makes you feel unattractive and won't satisfy you sexually, or leave him and take the chance to find someone who will make the effort for you.

Either way, you'd better do it soon. Life is short and the sooner you make the decision the sooner you can learn to live with your choice and accept a none-psychical relationship, or move forwards and make a new connection.

December 6, 2015 - 5:51pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I feel everyone's replies! Yours stood out the most because you are so right! My boyfriend of 11 months loves me, that I have no doubt.
He's generous, affectionate, complimentary, always wants to be with me, etc... But sexually? Not so much.
I workout, I stay fit, I'm sexy and open to all sexually desires and he knows that. But he's not really into me sexually. He always says I'm sexy and beautiful but when I'm with him for hours and wearing close to nothing and he doesn't even kiss me or touch me? That's weird!
We don't live together and I spent the night with him at his place... We woke in the morning and I gave him a blow job to which he stayed hard but didn't cum and then he got up and got a dildo that he bought for me and used that on me. Then he was done and just layed next to me and I was like huh? I don't get to have you inside me? What guy doesn't take advantage of his naked girlfriend who obviously wants sex? That was after a week of hanging out with no sex. That was our moment? I do not feel sexy around him. I do not feel he I sexually attracted to me. This is crazy because relationships in the past were always great sex, great oral sex, but terrible compatibility in every other aspect. With my guy now... It the complete opposite.
I don't think I can be with someone who I can't feel sexy around.
This sucks

May 1, 2016 - 11:04pm
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Female Sexual Dysfunction

Get Email Updates

Female Sexual Dysfunction Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!