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I am not sure my boyfriend is attracted to me. Please help!!!

By July 22, 2009 - 11:05pm
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My boyrfriend and I have been together for just a little over 10 months now. We are both divorced and in our very early 30's. Our relationship, for the most part, has been wonderful. We do everything together and talk about everything...we have no secrets from eachother. We have arguments like anyone else but I wouldn't say they are very bad. We have been talking about marriage and having a child together for the last couple months (he brought it up) and I think he is going to propose soon. (I overheard him talking about the ring.) However, our sex life has been the exception to everything else in our relationship. I love making love with him but he acts like he really doesn't care about it. For example, we are both in bed relaxed and i start kissing on him, he will make up an excuse as to why he doesn't want to make love with me, ie im too tired, have bladder infection, headache, stressed etc. It is never about getting in the mood, the idea is cut off right from the start. We had not made love for about 3 weeks and when we tried, he couldn't get an erection. No big deal, we cuddled and I assured him it was fine...it happens. A few days later, same thing, couldn't get erect at all. That was a week and a half ago. We tried tonite and still nothing. I asked him if he is masturbating and he said he has and last time was four days ago. He had no problem getting an erection or ejaculating then, so there probably isnt anything wrong with him. I feel like he is not attracted to me at all. He doesn't look at me with desire, even when I am naked, and he doesn't touch me in sexual ways unless we were making love. He tells me he IS attracted to me and it's not me it's him. I love this man sooo much and I want to marry him more than anything in the world but I am not sure that I can go the rest of my life without having sex. Please somebody give me some advice..I am desperate.

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EmpowHER Guest

Thanks for your reply. Actually, he broke up with me a week ago and left the state. Sure didn't see that coming!!!

August 13, 2009 - 4:57am

HI there! The same thing has been happening to me. My guy is 31 and I am 38. It is sooo frustrating with the whole erection thing. And it's hard to feel like it's not you and it's even harder not to say anyhting at al- like what the hell? I know men don't like to be pressured but it's easy for us to feel insecure when our man can't get an erection. I know with my b-f, he is a very anxious person with a bazillion things on his mind and he finds it hard to relax. I have been trying to spend more time doing things I enjoy, like going to the gym, the bookstore, or a bike ride- anything so he can have time to himself. A friend of mine thought that we were prob spending too much time together, and that us doing our own independent things would help improve things. He has been more affectionate since, but not too much different in the sex dept.. Doing things on my own though has helped me to feel more independent and good about myself. That helps so much. Maybe your man has a lot on his mind with finances, a baby, an upcoming wedding/proposal and he just isn't thinking love and intimacy. I'm sure he will come around soon. Women and men are so different when it comes to emotions. Good luck!

August 12, 2009 - 9:42pm
EmpowHER Guest

Things may change when he starts working. I am sorry that you feel so bad. I know what it's like to feel rejected sexually. But just know that you ARE desirable and beautiful and it is HE who is going through something.
I think that you both need to figure this all out before marriage or anything that serious as it won't fix itself automatically. Having a child won't fix things either.
I would try and talk to him about how you feel. Explain that you love him but you need to understand why he rejects you sexually so often and that it makes you feel bad. Then maybe try and come up with a solution, like therapy. The more stressed he becomes, the more difficult it is for him to get aroused. it's like a vicious circle. I am sure that you are not putting pressure on him but maybe for a week or two, try not to think about sex and let him make any move so he doeasn't feel pressure. I tried this with my boyfriend when he was having troubles. Go to bed and read or something where he feels less pressure so more likely to take a chance on having sex. Try reading those books too. I have a sneaking suspicion that when he starts working things will improve, but if not, then maybe try to talk to him about seeing someone. Good luck.

July 23, 2009 - 10:24am
EmpowHER Guest

He may feel emasculated as you are taking care of both of you financially. Read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" or "Mars and Venus on a date". I found these books very helpful in understanding what men want and how they differ from us. Men really are less sexual when they feel less manly, for example when they are not the breadwinner. Is he looking for work or studying? I am sure that you will have others responding to your concerns tomorrow...this is a very helpful site!

July 23, 2009 - 12:03am
(reply to Anonymous)

Thank you so much for your comments. To be honest with you, I have been crying over this for a week. I feel very helpless because if it is an emotional issue I dont know what to do and if it is a physical attraction issue then there is nothing I CAN do. He tells me I am sexy and beautiful but those are only words...actions are much louder. He just got hired somewhere and will be starting there soon.

July 23, 2009 - 12:11am
EmpowHER Guest

The porn is so exciting to many men with all that's available on the internet that no one woman can compete. This was the problem with us. Eventually he quit it and we were fine but it took a lot of time.
But if you are sure that he has no access to porn then I guess you are fine with that at least.
Have you thought about therapy for him or both of you?
Could you live without much sex? Are you 100% sure that he is not gay?
Many men who are homophobic are so because they are really gay. obviously, I can't know whether he is or not but clearly there is soemthing going on. Do you guys have good, open communication? Is he honest with you. Is he masturbating much? If so, why doesn't he "save" himself for you. It sounds like you need a closer relationship than what you have and if you are not having sex, then you may as well be brother and sister.
Is he maybe stressed at work? Is he depressed?

July 22, 2009 - 11:31pm
(reply to Anonymous)

I can live without sex as often. Trust me when I say that when we do make love, its incredible!! Yes we communicate about everything as far as I know and I can only trust that he is being honest with me. I didn't ask how often he masturbates because I really was afraid to ask. We are very close, maybe too close so that isn't a factor. He is not currently working. I am the breadwinner at this point in time.

July 22, 2009 - 11:37pm

Well no he doesn't have access to porn. I have had this recurring dream about me catching him with a man. I told him about it and was completely repulsed that I would dream something like that.

July 22, 2009 - 11:13pm
EmpowHER Guest

Is there any way he might be gay? Or does he have a porn addiction. Some men who use pornography have trouble getting excited enough with a "real" woman. This happened to me. I had a boyfriend who I got along great with but he could never get it up for me...maybe ask him?

July 22, 2009 - 11:10pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Did your boyfriend tell you why? Did you ask him?

July 22, 2009 - 11:16pm
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