Is it common for a healthy woman in her early 20s to not want sex?

By Anonymous July 13, 2012 - 7:54pm

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My girlfriend, who is 23, doesn't want to have sex very often anymore. We've been together for 2 years. For almost the first whole year of our relationship we would have sex 3-8 times per week. Now, for the past 6 months we have been having sex maybe once a week, if I'm lucky. I just don't understand. I'm pretty much a perfect boyfriend. I cook great dinners, often do the washing up. When I have time and money I take her to her favorite restaurant. I'm kind of funny. I'm clean, tidy, yet still manly and outdoorsy and like being active. I'm not clingy. I leave her alone to do her own thing, yet show interest in her life and family. I'm good looking - so say all the middle aged women I know. I have a good job. So anyway, not to make this about me, but she has somebody who really loves her and shows her that every day. The only thing I know I need to work on is my inability to let loose more often. I have been accused of not liking to have fun, and there is some truth to that. I'm a hard worker and fairly intense, and I have trouble going for drinks and just relaxing.

As you can imagine, I want sex quite often and she doesn't. This has become a problem and I need advice.

I'm going to try and illustrate our lives a little better first:

She was raised Catholic. Her dad still thinks she's a perfect virgin angel and expects her to be a virgin till marriage. Red flag, right? I know, but what can I do about it? I've asked her about this outright and she says it isn't a problem.

She tells me that she just has a "low sex drive". At 23 years old, this is just not right. Can it be? We used to have sex more than twice a day sometimes. How could her sex drive just change? I understand hormone fluctuation, but...that much? In addition, when she IS horny, she is REALLY horny. We'll go for a week or two without sex, then one day she'll suddenly get cat eyes and just pounce on me. Doesn't make sense. She has told me that I don't have the physical ability to turn her on, that the craving for sex has to come from within her - and her claim has substance. She accepts massages, caresses, touches, with utmost readiness, but is not turned on by them. What? Is this normal? All other girlfriends I've had have been plenty turned on by my attention, if not my presence. It's not that I think I should always be able to seduce her, but as her significant other shouldn't I have some effect on her desire to have sex? It makes me feel inadequate, or like I'm a sexual tool to just be there whenever she's ready to use me.

Another discrepancy in her 'low sex drive' claim is that when she's been drinking she shows much more interest in sex. This caused problems recently when I told her that I don't like having sex with her when she's been drinking heavily. (To be fair she doesn't drink to that point very often - but when she does, there's an 80 percent chance she'll want sex.)

Talking about sex doesn't turn her on as it does me. She claims to not have any 'fantasies', yet claims to be mildly bisexual. I've asked her about her attraction to women and she tells me that it isn't important. Doesn't add up. Also, it does not seem to be in her interest to please me when she isn't in the mood for sex herself. I've politely expressed on a few occasions that I'd like some sexual attention, and she makes me feel bad about asking. She doesn't like performing if she isn't receiving. Understandably, we've talked about this and she does have a hang up due to a previous boyfriend who was forceful with her and enjoyed making her gag. However, I don't see how this carries over to me. This was years ago, and I'm nothing but gentle and kind and understanding with her. Furthermore, why did she consistently do that for the other guy when it made her feel horrible to the point of scarring her, but then she won't ever (not exaggerating) do it for me in a loving way. Again, upset feelings. Doesn't seem fair.

She and I have an otherwise good relationship. All the things I've written here I've brought up with her at one point or another. Usually though she doesn't want to talk about it. Apparently SHE feels inadequate by my honest grievances. She doesn't like to hear that she isn't doing enough and so she decides to end the conversation by saying it's not important.

Well, what else am I going to do aside from talk to her about it? I need more lovin', simple as that.

Ideas, opinions, comments, and anecdotes. Help if you can.

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Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,

Thank you for your question and welcome to Empowher. Men and women definitely have different sexual appetites. Men tend to have a high libido around 18s to early 20s while women do not hit their peek till around 30s. This doesn't mean that you cannot compromise but there will always be a difference. From what I read about you not being able to have too much fun, take time to enjoy life. It passes you by very quickly so be sure to always make time for relaxation.

I hope this little bit helps but compromise is always a great solution.

Best of luck,

Missie

July 14, 2012 - 9:03am