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A couple of days ago, a woman wrote to me in the "ASK Michelle" section and told me her heartfelt, honest, and I think heart-wrenching story about her ill husband, who has multiple sclerosis, and the very real difficulties about living with someone who has changed in so many ways over the years. Many of the changes have affected his personality and made him very difficult to live with at times. I wrote her back and told her how I could totally see where she was coming from in terms of her emotions, and that I understood what she was saying. But I also wanted to post her story here (see below), so others could see it and reply to her and give her more suggestions, support and a sense of hope and that she is not alone. Please, if anyone has anything they'd like to tell her, I would really appreciate it--I'm sending her this link so she can watch for more replies. For example, do you know of another woman who has gone through this, and/or do you know of any resources for her? Thank you everyone!
"I am a 37year old female, well educated and completely healthy. I married my husband 8 years ago, knowing that he has multiple sclerosis. He was a vibrant, fun, clever and interesting person. Over the past 8 years, he has physically deteriorated (developed seizures, incontinence, difficulty walking distances, had a pulmonary embolism and now suffers from depression (but who wouldn't)). He no longer works, he stays home and does some household chores, is obsessed with our finances (we are doing ok), is mean and angry, hardly talks to me, hasn't held me or made love to me in years and honestly I don't even think that he likes me. I really think that I could deal with the physical limitations, it's the emotional stuff that is wearing me down. I've been seeing a counselor who asks me "How much more are you willing to take?" and I just don't know anymore. I'm so lonely and feel so trapped. He refuses to see a counselor or psychiatrist. I feel like an awful person for even thinking of leaving him, but I'm so unhappy that I don't know what else to do. I guess my question is "what kind of woman leaves a sick spouse?"
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Anonymous,
You clearly have no idea what it is to sacrifice and watch your life slip away as you care for someone else. It is one of the hardest, selfless things you can do for someone you love and even more so for someone who shows no love to you! Marriage is a two party commitment and when one gets ill, obviously they cannot fulfill in the same way they would if they were healthy, but they must also find a way to contribute with what they CAN do. For someone to be in a marriage and just take without giving anything positive, well, that's not a marriage; it's a parasitic relationship. I hope with your hard stance that you are able to take an honest look in the mirror and just as hard as you are on others, you are as well on yourself to be kind, loving, appreciative and contribute all that you can despite your illness.
August 26, 2017 - 9:10amThis Comment
I'm a wife to a lifelong type 1 brittle diabetic and when u care for someone who's so sick you learn the meaning of love even when all you want to do is run away..I juggle my husband and my two daughters plus me being a disabled veteran oh god how I have prayed and prayed for god to take this pain from all of us I still stay even when I feel like I can't breathe I stay .... maybe one day but time beats on us both not just him and so many suffer in silence... I can't begin to know what's in the other side of this I just ask everyone pray for me and mine my heart won't let me go ....
October 16, 2017 - 2:29amThis Comment
Sorry this is SO LONG! Your story hits me hard. I have been married for seven years, and dated him for three years. He was a recovering alcoholic, sober for a year when we met. His family and all of his friends disowned him due to his drinking and bad behavior. Things went well for us until i married him. The night we married, he picked up the bottle again. He began a downward spiral, in and out of rehab programs and hospitalized for his mental health a few times. During one visit he was diagnosed as a sociopath. My teenage daughter and i left him in 2012. Then he fell very ill, lost tons of weight quickly, and contacted me two months after i left him begging me to help. He was too sick to work or pay rent, so i let him come live with us again and took him to a doctor. He was told he had Graves disease and to stop drinking. He took his meds and still drank. After two years of his drinking and mental abuse, i told him to tell me where he wanted to go, and i would send him there. We wanted him out. He picked Texas. Life became peaceful for my daughter and I the next six months. He was doing horrible in Texas; homeless, drinking, and getting arrested for disorderly conduct. Then, in 2015, he developed diabetes due to a combination of his drinking, Graves Disease, and genetics. His health spiraled downward quickly. He is a brittle diabetic. My daughter had just moved into her own place, he was homeless and in and out of intensive care with ketoacidosis and blood sugar between 750 and 850 every time. He was dying. I felt so bad for him, i took a leave of absence from work, flew to Texas, and got a weekly rent studio apartment to move him into. I worked two waitressing positions, paid the rent, took care of him, and helped him obtain health insurance. He was gaining weight and looking healthier after a month. The second month in he took money out of my purse and came home high on synthetic weed. A few days later, he took my debit card while i was sleeping and withdrew money, then put the card back in my wallet. He was gone when i woke up and came back high again. I booked a plane back to my home state and left. He has been in contact intermittently since then. He believes i shouldn't hold his behavior against him because " it's in the past" and has never really shown remorse. He did stop drinking last year, because he finally realized it would kill him, moved to another state, got a job, car, and an apartment. Being brittle, he recently became sick again and is in and out of the intensive care unit with ketoacidosis every other week. He collapsed in public when his blood sugar plummeted to 25. He is in bad health and lost his job and apartment once again because of it. He is mean, sociopathic, and i don't l don't want to be around him. And he is begging me once again to rescue him before he dies homeless on the street. I just can't this time. The thought of going down there makes me physically sick. The guilt is overwhelming because i am his only lifeline/meal ticket/nurse. The only reason i take his calls is because of the guilt i feel for abandoning him when he is so sick. He is still mentally abusive(insults and put downs constantly) and unremorseful for anything he has said or done. I dont want to get that call saying he has passed away. Why do i feel that turning my back on him and not answering his calls or messages is like standing with arms folded and waiting for him to die? I don't know how to get rid of this horrible guilt I'm feeling.
November 24, 2017 - 2:16pmThis Comment
I guess I come from different stock! ! My mother and father were married for 57 years, my father retired at 65 as a pharmacist, 4 years later my mother began the torment of Alzheimer's. After my father broke vertebrae in his back caring for my mother, I hade a one-on-one with my father where I practically had to threaten to whip his ass over putting mother in a care facility. I pursuaded him to do just that. We found the perfect place 1 mile from their home, 2 miles from their church. My father ate three meals a day with herthere for the next 7 years, my mother always never forgot who my father was, even though she often thought me to be her brother nor her son. My grandparents: One set were married 76 years the other set my grandfather died after 35 years of marriage, my grandmother lived to be 101 years old, spent her last 40 single, the"love of her life was gone.
August 7, 2017 - 10:24amMe I was diagnosed with PPMS in 2011, now my wife of 18 years is abandoning me. What kind of a person leaves someone when they get a disease. Well if the "promise to love through sickness and in health " were part of their vows, then I guess that makes them a LIAR! They will have to answer to their maker for abandoning their sick spouse. It exemplifies the ULTIMATE ACT OF SELFISHNESS AND BETRAIAL. Guess I am cut from different stock than y'all
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I completely agree with you. It was part of their vows and it does make them a LIAR. No one plans on getting sick or having a accident that leaves them disabled. It's so easy to just quit these days and get a divorce. For the most part the disabled or sick spouse is left with no way to take care of themselves financially. If they weren't married ten years before the illness or accident happened then they aren't required to pay spousal support to them no matter how much that person gave before they became ill.
September 18, 2017 - 11:52pmThis Comment
There's nothing "easy" about getting a divorce. I agonized about it for nearly 10 years while my drug-addled ex-wife's refusal to show me any physical affection at all (even non-sexual) was killing me slowly a day at a time. Before posting a hurtful comment you might want to check your facts. Just saying.
October 6, 2017 - 10:31amThis Comment
I am really surprised at your answer to this poor woman! For a lot of reasons. Your examples were not similar at all.
This poster is only 37 years old--she has mnore than 60 years of life to live and to live it in this way would seem unbearable!
Your parents were MARRIED for a full 20 years longer than she's EVEN BEEN ALIVE! Can't you see the difference?
At the age of approximately 70 (that's twice this original poster's age NOW) your mother fell ill. At 70 years old. Your parents had already lived the bulk of their lives. Married, had children, worked, probably saw their grandchildren born, maybe even graduated high school or college, etc etc. I mean heck, they had a full 4 years POST-RETIREMENT to enjoy themselves before medical issues cropped up.
That's a far cry from this woman's situation. Whereas she has the next 70 years of her life potentially living in a miserable situation (his attitude) your father had AT MOST 30 years of his life left, if that. And at 70 years old he probably wasn't planning on hiking to the top of Machuu Pichu anytime soon. So there would have been less "loss" anyway. Did your writeup include any emotional or physcial abuse wrt your mother & father? I didn't see any. This woman is enduring a lot.
GROW UP and see things for what they are and don't give advice with your eyes shut to the details of the situation.
August 16, 2017 - 2:58pmThis Comment
I think you're being really unfair. I am a caregiver for my husband. I've given him my kidney, that lasted seven years.now he's on dialysis at home every day.i nurse as a job and as a wife. There's no physical affection..except when he wants massages from me. I cannot rely on him if I ( rarely) go out..to walk the dogs or even put awash in the machine. He doesn't cook- wash up or Hoover. Our life revolves around him..his conversation revolves around him.he is self obsessed, dull and selfish. He was my world and I loved him so very much.
August 13, 2017 - 10:46amNow I dread him living long enough that I will hate him. I also dread losing him..because I love him.. I do EVERYTHING...i am tired and worn down- screaming inside while smiling . To tell someone they are a liar is wrong...this is unutterably difficult and if I had my fifteen years over again I would avoid the place we met. Harsh but true.
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I can reassure everyone that when the time comes to leave, you will know. For me it has been very long process, and I do not regret it because there were moments of beauty interspersed, and I was trying and seeing some sort of feedback from my husband. Now he has given up, and basically told me so. There is nothing else I can do to rekindle our love. Believe me, if anyone has tried it all it is me. I even had another baby (who I adore by the way!). I finally drew a line and though it may seem superficial it is not-it was my deal breaker-it was regarding the lack of sex and intimacy. I clearly communicated my needs and even alternatives to him (yes, alternatives to sex I would have been ok with-he refused). After 12 years of marriage, supporting him financially, and him being on OxyContin prescribed monthly generously by his doctor, I am moving out. What strikes me from these posts is that most of us have a significant age difference here between us and our partners. I am 37. He is 46. It's nearly a decade and do I ever feel it now that he is approaching 50. I will not waste my life now. It was not wasted to this point and I have 3 children and an amazing career to show for it. But I cannot be 47, him be 56, and us have the same problems. Ladies, if you are over 35 and your man is so drugged/sick he doesn't care about anymore you have 2 choices: Stay and accept you are a caretaker, not wife, for life and find a way to stop complaining------Or-be confident that you deserve an awesome life and leave now. Draw that line in the sand for yourself, take action, and you will not have to be looking for comfort in threads like this! Just writing this makes me realize so many of us have a guilt complex that holds us back from our own happiness. You do not want to be 10 years older in the same situation! If he is a loving man and finds a way to meet your needs, and you meet his, and you guys have reached some kind of agreement that is different. But if he is mean, sexless, and grouchy 24/7, ladies---there is no excuse for that! That is the point I am at now. Am I making huge sacrifices? Yes! I'll be giving him so much alimony it's not even funny (but I'd be supporting him financially the rest of my life if I didn't leave now either). But...I am also opening that door to possibly a life of love with a man who is happy to reciprocate. That possibility is very alluring to me after living for so many years with rejection. Even if I end up 60 years old never finding that, I will be happy I took the risk because living like this is miserable. Now that I am in a sexless marriage it has given me the motivation to make this decision. I am in my 30s---he is in his late 40s. When I think about 10 years from now that is what motivates me to leave. Also, I have given him plenty of chances to change, and given him many, many options to meet his marital responsibilities despite his back problems (and yes, I believe in marital responsibilities after supporting someone 100 percent for over 12 years and doing the lion's share of the domestic work). The refusal of sex or intimacy of any kind was the deal breaker for me, which I've clearly communicated to him. It took me a long time to get to this point, it is scary and lonely, but I know that I am making the best decision-for me and my children. And, the real kicker here is that I live overseas, and he most likely will get full custody of my two eldest children. That is what has kept me glued to this for so long, but now that they are old enough they see that their mommy is unhappy, and they also see I am the one who is providing for them financially and they appreciate my hard work. I do think they will understand....and already do. I would never, ever want them to be in a marriage like this, where they are the ones who are doing most of the heavy lifting while the other is lying in bed, medicated, and not caring about their needs. Yes, I am ready. You will know when the time is right, and you will have the courage to leave a toxic situation, because the alternative is much more bleak.
July 29, 2017 - 8:05amThis Comment
I have been married to him for 48 years. I was raised in the era of being a "good girl". ...a pleaser. Don't make waves and keep your mouth shut about things that bother you. Two children who were damaged by his emotional abuse of them and me. The guilt I carry is crushing. But I did love aspects of him. He could be kind and generous. Anyway, I stayed. Felt that it was my karma and he was my true teacher of patient forbearance. And I had made vows. Anyway, he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Not so bad...take care of yourself, eat right, exercise. He did all that and then stopped. Wouldn't take medication or eventually insulin. No one was going to dictate to him how to live. Heart attack, pacemaker, great toe amputation, sepsis. Peripheral neuropathy so severe he is crying with the pain as it plagues him for days. Walking with a cane as he cannot feel his feet. He is 68 and looks 78. Oh and no sex life due to Peronies disease...deformed penis...diagnosis 10 years ago. The way he ended our sex life still infuriates me.
July 16, 2017 - 10:14pmOh it gets worse. Me quitting a job I loved to care for our 39 year old son with mental health issues. Moving to another town in which I own a home to do so because my husband doesn't want to deal with said son. Then we decide we need to sell the house we have lived in for 40 years which he has filled with hoarded things...paper, tools, old computers, office equipment, building supplies...etc. And he wants to take his time to touch each item and weigh whether he can give it up because he may need it some day. A year later and the house is still jammed with his stuff and he is so ill and weak he can't do the work. But, by god, no one else is going to touch his stuff and make any decisions for him. I am back in this hell hole after living for a year in the home I own in another town, to care for my husband through another illness. He is angry most of the time and says he feels justified because he is ill. I am nearly empty...I do not know how much more I can do. I am only 67 and want so much to have a real life. I feel bereft that I have no compassion for him any longer and no love. I feel only obligation. I am currently healthy but feel my mental and physical health are collapsing. What to do?
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