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I have been married for 5 months but with him for 10 years. I am 30 yes old. We had sex and he could never keep his hands off me... Until about 1 year ago. We had a lot of stress with the wedding planning, moved into a new house, etc so we did experience a lot of changes...we had a tough time but our relationship has always been a love-hate kind... Hate is harsh but you get what I mean. When we were not fighting, we were crazy in love... When we fought, it got really ugly. No physical abuse, ever. He would never do that but there was yelling on both sides and a lot of mean things said. We have been like that since day one. Somehow, we make it work and we love each other and have grown a lot...we got engaged, then moved in, and then got married a year later. We had some serious fights during the wedding planning and we were close to calling the whole thing off. I wanted more of his help and involvement and he didn't want to do anything for it. I understand now, most guys just don't want to take on wedding planning but at the time, it really upset me. I felt he didn't care. My Christian beliefs have grown a lot the past few years. I decided that I did not want to have sex until we got married... He doesn't have the same beliefs as I do and thought it was ridiculous. I felt uncomfortable having sex and didn't enjoy it because I felt guilty so I wanted to wait and let it be special on our wedding night. This was about 5 months before the wedding. He was pissed about it the whole 5 months and we got into arguments over it. Well, we lasted the 5 months and got married. We went from him chasing me to me asking him why he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore. Since we got married, the 1st week was great. Then it's been every 2 even 3 weeks and he shows no desire. I have brought it up to him so many times and he brushes me off or makes excuses that I have been sick and he didn't want to bother me while I am sick or we are both tired, etc. Always excuses. We both work a lot. We try to do date nights here and there but even then we get home and go to sleep. I really miss him. There is such a huge disconnect between us. I dont know what happened. I have talked to him several times, I have written him letters, I don't know what else to do. I feel he is fine without it or me. I can't tell you the last time he bought me flowers, or just surprised me or planned a nice dinner for us. I always plan everything. I am the only one that makes the plans and even then he is annoyed that I am asking for a date night because he just wants to "relax and do nothing or watch tv". I have checked his computer, no signs of any porn or cheating. He works all the time and I know he is tired but his only free time he is on the computer researching stuff for work or watching tv. I get no affection. I feel so lonely and like he doesn't care. I know people get comfortable and we have been together for 10 years but this is beyond. I am a very pretty woman, I work out everyday, in shape, I know I am very attractive but sometimes I feel like maybe I'm still not enough? He never tells me I'm beautiful anymore, or he is never the one to kiss me first or hug me. If I don't, he doesn't. I'm so sad and heartbroken. I know he loves me but maybe he doesn't love me like he used to? Or maybe he doesn't feel he needs to do anything because now we are married? I have talked to him about this in tears, hysterical, in peace and quiet, in letters, poured my heart out and nothing changes. I'm feeling resentful and when he does decide he wants to have sex every now and then, I don't want it anymore. I feel he is doing it because I made a big deal out of it or because he just needs it but no connection between us. And the sex is not good. It used to be but now it's just sex... No foreplay, nothing. I don't know what to do any more. Please help.
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dear anon, its a surprise to know that there is someone suffering exactly like me..we were officially engaged for a year but we were living in seperate countries.. he was the most romantic most loving and caring guy i've ever met.. i thought finally i got my dream guy..he was always telling me that he misses me and he cant wait for us to get married and live together.. he used to call me dozens of times per day (international calls)...he was sincere and i believed him..now we are married for just six months and im also pregnant (i love my baby and i think its the best thing that ever happened to me) since the first day of our married life i've sensed something is wrong..
preperations for marriage were hectic i was sooooo stressed and i did everything by myself and with the help of my family.. he didnt contirbute directly cuz he was away but even then he was concerned and called to know the details..he really cared..
when we were done with the wedding i was soooo tired n still stressed and i couldnt enjoy my honey moon...and he had something to do with it....after marriage he wasnt as half as the romantic guy i was engaged too...he was trying to be romantic and caring but it wasn't enough..maybe i was expecting more but he promised me much more..
during engagement he was that easy going guy and we had lots of common interests..after marriage we disagree about almost everything...i was very honest and open during engagement and i wasnt pretending... now i dono if he was the one pretending or he was just changed!
i know that marriage isnt a picnic but it shouldnt be so hard...romance isnt the most important thing in marriage but its the glue that holds everything together and makes life easier and not just a boring routine..if he is acting cold 6 months after marriage what wil he do after 5 years!
when we argue he turns into a teenager..he gets really mad easilly and leaves the house...i would accept that if i hurt him or it was a huge fight...but even if we argue on a silly matter he behaves the same way instead of sitting down and talk like adults..the funny thing is that he promised me before that when we argue if we argued! that he will never let me be upset about it and he will never let me go to bed mad...........after marriage its a normal thing that i'm left alone without appologizing and he could not speak for me for days...he always thinks he didnt do anything wrong..and im the one picking a fight...and its not true..if i was happy and satisfied i would never think of arguing...
sex...same as above..and i dont want to beg for it...he should be asking for it or else i dont need it...im also attractive and starting to doubt that because of his attitude :(
he is generally a good decent guy..i'm sure he is not cheating..and he has other good points..he says he love me and i believe him...but its a silent love...its between him and himself...its like a secret lool he doesnt wanna show it properly or somehting..i donno..i just wonder why he changed so fast! and what will happen next?
i did talk about it but he thinks he is not doing anything wrong and i should be grateful because other husbands r worse!!!! no comment
plz advise
January 4, 2012 - 1:04pmThis Comment
Wow... Reading your story made me sad because I know exactly how you feel and it sounds terrible that after only 5-6 months we are going thru this! It is just such a shock. The sex part is what amazes me the most. He never left me alone before and now he doesn't even seem to want to in the least bit. Does your husband try at all or is it all up to you? The other day I told him everything that was on my mind. I told him everything I said on here and he reassured me he loves me, I'm his best friend, etc and he is going to try more. It made me happy because it was all I wanted to hear but deep down inside I didn't really trust it would all get better. Only been 5 days and already back to same old. We had sex the day after we spoke about it and because it had been so long, it was over very quick. He said he was sorry and he would make it up to me that night. 5 days later, nothing. I was thinking earlier today when I was single and not wearing a ring, how much I would get hit on and he didn't like it. It almost makes me feel that now that he has me and everyone knows we are married he doesn't value me like he did before. Does that make sense? I am obviously thinking so much over this. I can't pinpoint but this is something that came to mind. In your case do you think it is the pregnancy that may be causing this? I have heard of that before. That some men get scared to have sex when the girl is pregnant because they feel you're more fragile. I also have a friend that changed for the pregnancy of his wife and it seemed like he was pregnant with all the moodswings but after the baby came, he is ok now. Hopefully this is the case for you. I understand what you mean about your husband acting like a child and leaves when you fight. I don't understand the immaturity in them. It makes me so mad sometimes I say mean stuff about him needing to be a man and stop being a ***** and a thousand other things. I get so mad that I have to fix it or chase him. Have you talked to your husband about everything lately?
January 6, 2012 - 9:54pmThis Comment
Hi Anon,
Definitely any stressful situation such as the wedding, the move might have to do with him being tired and not having the desire. It might be a good idea to get marriage counseling or pscyo therapy together. This might bring out the problem or cause for him not having any desire or being distant from you.
Best,
Daisy
January 3, 2012 - 5:41amThis Comment
Hi Anon,
Welcome to EmpowHER. Sorry to hear this, am sure it must be very difficult all these changes in your husband. If you done your research and you know he is not cheating. He might be experiencing a low libido. It would be a good idea to talk to him about the possibilities of it and to see a doctor.
Best,
Daisy
January 2, 2012 - 5:27amThis Comment
Thanks Daisy. I have looked into him possibly having a low libido and that doesn't seem right either. I talked to him again last night because he saw that I was upset. We talked and he says all the right things but I keep hearing it over and over every time we talk but when it comes down to it, I don't see much change. He keeps saying it's been busy with the wedding, moving, now holidays.. I hate to think it is just an excuse. Is it common for this to happen the first few months of marriage?
January 2, 2012 - 9:06amThis Comment
I also wanted to add that if we get into an argument or I get upset because of the reasons I said above, we don't talk. At all. Days can go by and nothing. If I don't come to him to make up, he doesn't come to me. The reason I decided to write this today is because this morning, I tried to have sex with him. We had a party last night for new years and were up all night so I know we were both tired. However, we haven't had sex in about a week and that was after 2 weeks so I initiated this morning. He said he was hungover and tired and rolled over. A few minutes later he wakes up and gets coffee. He always says he doesnt want to have sex when he first wakes up. I thought 30 year old men wanted to have sex 24/7..... And the time of day didn't matter. Anyway after that he got mad at me for something really stupid. It was not a big deal but I blew up because of all my other feelings and just being rejected by him for the 50th time. We haven't talked since. This happens all the time and I always have to come o him, kiss him, and tell him I don't want to fight. Weeks can go by and he just ignores me. So of course, I go to him because I don't want to make matters worse. This on top of the sex, on top of the no affection, I feel awful and unwanted. I just wanted to give you more details. Thank you for your help.
January 1, 2012 - 4:37pmThis Comment