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My bf of almost 3 years has a kid, how do I deal?

By Anonymous September 11, 2011 - 9:01am
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I met my boyfriend when i was 17 and he was 21. we have a 2 1/2 year age difference. im now 19 and he will be 23 in december. I knew he had a child, and his child will be 5 this month. I love that little girl very much. But I find that the older i get, it bothers me more and more. the fact that he has a child with someone else other than me, even though we didn't know each other when he had the child. it was a one night stand that resulted in pregnancy. Why does it bother me more and more? I love him very much, and the babys mother has a problem with me for no reason. The child and her live in a completely different state and he only sees her maybe twice a year.

Am I feeling envious because I want a child myself? Or am I just angry at his past? As I learned that there might be someone else out there that he told me about that might also have another child with him. How can I get over this and stop being so angry at him for his teenage years?

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Good Luck to you, Sysy. I'm glad that was all worked on and hope that your relationship only goes uphill from here.


September 14, 2011 - 8:00am

We sorted it all out, and he was abe to provee to me that letter was actually from a long time ago. It was from a girl who was in jail who he hadn't talked to in the longest time--he didn't tell me because he didn't want it to cause problems. I believe him, and it all makes sense. we both decided to be better and work on things. I think it'll get better.

September 13, 2011 - 5:13pm

Hi Anon,

You're welcome. It's okay if you don't want to use your account-- this is a safe place to post anonymously.

After your update, however, I'm a little more concerned about you. You are not dealing with this situation well because you aren't getting anything positive out of your relationship at this point other than having a boyfriend. Correct me if I'm wrong but you have given up your friends, your life, everything for a man who has a daughter which you gladly accepted to love and now not only have you given everything for him but he may have a second child which could mean that you may have to give even more of you while he keeps giving less and less of him. Your hesitation and not being able to deal is normal-- and I thank you for providing more information. BUT the situation at home is not normal. He is showing you signs of being possessive and controlling. You abiding to his "rules" of changing your phone number or he'll break it let's him know it's okay to tell you what to do. I'm not telling you to argue or start fights when he treats you this way because a person who says things like that may not be a safe one to argue with. But I am telling you to run as fast as you can from this relationship. No one should tell you who you can and cannot speak to, no one should threaten you or your personal items to get you to do what they want, and no one should make you feel like you are obligated to live your life the way they want you to.

Honestly, It's been a 3 year relationship. Believe it or not, turning around and leaving now is only 3 years lost. 5 years from now you may finally realize that this isn't what you want out of life but it may be too late. You may have kids of your own with him that you may have to think about-- and will be in the same predicament as the other two women who had children with him. I normally don't encourage the breaking up of a relationship but he is emotionally abusing you...even if you don't realize it.

Please think about whether this is truly what you want your life to be like.


September 12, 2011 - 7:56am
(reply to Rosa Cabrera RN)

Rosa, I know i said id be embarassed, but am losing my mind right now. While he went to work, I decided to snoop around. guess what i found. a letter from a girl within the years we have been dating. Its talking about their little relationship together , and about he he is a player and how she loves that.
Well, I guess that does it for me. I'm extremely hurt. I dont know whether to let him explain, or leave. i am sitting outside right now contemplating. At first i didn't notice the date it was written on (9 months ago), and before i noticed the date i did confront him and he said "it was a long time ago", well it wasn't. Maybe i already gave him a chance to explain, and he blew it. maybe this explains where i keep getting my P.I.D from. I don't know.

September 12, 2011 - 1:35pm
(reply to Sysy92)


I am sorry that you found out your boyfriend was cheating this way. He may deserve a chance to explain-- but given the other circumstances of your relationship. I'd just cut my losses and go. By now I'm sure you've talked to him-- how did that go? Where do you both stand?

You are very young and really shouldn't be going through all of this at the age of 19. PID is a serious complication of some sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), especially chlamydia and gonorrhea. Has your Gynecologist told you what was causing your PID? Is your boyfriend the only guy you've had sex with?

September 13, 2011 - 6:23am
(reply to Rosa Cabrera RN)

he said he never cheated on me, and im not sure what to believe. he said shes crazy and she was stalking him,.but thats what every guy says. ive been checked for stds and i dont have any and the doctor says the P.I.D is not related to stds, and he is the only person ive had sex with

September 13, 2011 - 10:05am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Rosa Cabrera RN)

Thank you so much for your advice and input. I never realized that this was considered emotional abuse-- I always felt like I was the one who had the problem. I mean, all-in-all he's a great person. His mother told me he has never loved anyone before, and that he is afraid of losing me. I spoke to him about it all, and he said I could do whatever I want, but just to know that there are consequences. I've never cheated on him or even looked at another guy. It's been years since I last talked to any of my old male friends. I think what I feel might be resentment. I thought he was improving because a few months back he didn't want me wearing certain things--and I listened then. But I stopped listening to that, and he got upset about it for a few days, but now he's okay with it.
I wonder if I stop listening like I did with that situation, if he would back off and let go. I wonder if because I am listening he thinks he has power over me. I'm a very submissive person, But I feel like you have encouraged me to be stronger.
Thank you, and I will keep you updated on the situation-- you have been a huge help.

September 12, 2011 - 8:34am
EmpowHER Guest

I woud also like to thank you for you response, I have an account, but decided to post anonymously because I am slightly embarassed.

September 11, 2011 - 1:43pm

Hi Anon,

Thank you for your question. I'm glad you can admit that him having a child is something you have a problem with right now but I have a few questions-- did it bother you before you found out that he could possibly have a second child? Is he still irresponsible now as he was 5 years ago?

Is this a feeling of jealousy or is it this a feeling of fear that he may have a child with you an leave you the same way he left his first child and possibly a second?

There are lots of things you must consider before making a change. You have to first dig deep inside yourself and find out what is really bothering you. I, personally, have a step daughter who is now going on 12 but was 5 years old when I came into her life. As the grown up, it is not that child's job to win your heart-- it is your job to win theirs. This can only happen if you truly love the man you're with, feel secure in your relationship, and can forget about his past and focus on your future together as a family. It isn't easy to accept that he has already had his first child and that it isn't with you but a mature woman can look past this and patiently wait her turn for children. In the meantime, figure out what it is that's really eating at you and even if he only sees her twice a year, make sure those two times a year are the ones that she looks forward to the most.

Best Wishes,


September 11, 2011 - 12:45pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Rosa Cabrera RN)

honestly, no it didn't bother me until he told me its possible he might have another child. He is nothing like he was 5 years ago, he is constantly working and trying to take care of us. His daughter is the best little girl I have ever met in my entire life. everytime she calls she asks him to put me on the phone, and she talks about how much she loves me and misses me.
I wonder often that if i had a child, "would he leave?".
There are other things in our relationship that have caused me to be angry about this situation, but I wonder if I am displacing my feelings on this because it's easier.
Like he doesn't want me to have any social networking sites like facebook--which has caused me to lose touch with all of the friends I had, so now i feel isolated. I had to change my number because he didn't want previous people to have my number anymore (at the time he said if I didn't , he would break my phone). I can't hang out with certain people (they are girls).
I just want to know if this is normal

September 11, 2011 - 1:21pm
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