My boyfriend continues to save pictures of naked women on his computer after I've asked him to stop! Then masturbates while I am sleeping in the same room!

my ex-boyfriend was very similar. it makes me sad and i stopped loving him because of it. it makes me sadder knowing most, if not all, guys are like this. i think i'd be happier just single.
the hypocritical thing is that when i was in a swimsuit photoshoot, he blew up on me about it... i'd stopped loving him by then after being hurt and crying too much from that sort of thing. happening again and again despite me telling him (or that he should know without having to be told) how much it just DOWNRIGHT HURT.
i hope you are okay, girl. i hope you are happy.

Karma, it's Rala from a previous post a while ago. I too have decided to stay with my boyfriend and we've gone through a period of intense change and he is porn free and still in therapy for it. While he was learning how to abstain and have a healthier, happier life I was right with him - for a while. Then a wall started slowly building in my mind that was made of his betrayal and lies from the past. I've never experienced anger like this before in my life and have always considered myself a calm, loving, compassionate person. At times my anger has erupted into something that makes me feel uncontrollable, and completely unrecognizable as the loving, happy person I'm used to being.

I'm not in the position to pay for therapy right now so I've had to do a lot of research on my own. Sadly, there's not a lot of education available for partners of people who have sexually compulsive (or addictive, whichever term you want to use) behaviors that damage relationships. What I've found most helpful is books by counselors and psychologists who are starting to realize that partners are suffering from trauma as a result of sexual betrayal. If you've looked around for help I'm betting you found the same thing I did: leading psychologists and counselors who jump quickly to label partners as "coaddicts," which tends to place more blame on people like you and me, claiming that we subconsciously made choices to be with the men we're with because of our family histories or adult patterns of abusive relationships. Personally, I found that offensive and far from any point of therapy that I need to be involved in right now. So I dug a little deeper. That's when I found books and discussions on post traumatic stress disorder and psychologists who compare treating partners of addicts to victims of intense psychological trauma. That explained my inability to keep imaged from popping into my head at any moment, my intense withdrawal from anything that reminded me of his betrayal (these are defined as "triggers"), my nightmares in which i relive his betrayals, and my seemingly uncontrollable anger.

Unfortunately, the idea of treating people who have been betrayed sexually as sufferers of PTSD is a relatively new concept. I do encourage you to do some research though, because information is out there, and it has been invaluable for me to know that I am not alone in this suffering. I would list specific books in this post that I suggest but I think they will be deleted by the server. I'm not saying that just because I can read about professionals opinions that I'm miraculously better now, because I'm not. I'm only a little closer to the state of recovery I'd like to find myself in one day. What I have gained, though, are tools to guide me there, and professional opinions to cite to my boyfriend to help him understand that this isn't just me going crazy and that he has a lot to work through because of what he's done. It has also helped me remain steadfast in my respect for my self, MY needs, and MY desires for this relationships.

Things like this don't just disappear, and as much as I've loved being a forgiving person in the past, the more I'm learning how hard it really is to forgive when someone close to you wrongs you so deeply. If you can't handle him looking at pornography at all, don't be ashamed of your need to have complete and total commitment. Don't sacrifice your needs anymore for someone who has blatantly ignored your needs in the past. If he loves you, if he really wants you, he'll abstain.

I really wish you the best, and hope this helps you. Take care of yourself and don't betray yourself by sacrificing any of your needs, especially at such a pivotal time.

Hey Karma,first of all-it feels great to be of be of help to you and you are most welcome=).

Karma,id first like to tell you that Life HAS to be full of ups and downs. Think bout it like ups wudnt really be ‘ups’ if there weren’t those downs before. It is only when u have terrible horrible times(downs) that you have the crazily happy moments(ups) later,when u sort out ur issues. You cant always be happy,if u were then it wudnt be a very special feeling because it wud be like any other normal thing in ur life tht happens everyday. Its in a very minute way related to delay of gratification. You feel SOO very special today,but this wud be a normal feeling if u felt like tht 4 the hole past year. So definitely there are gonna be more downs in ur relationship and be ready 4 them but more than that,look forward to the ups you’ll have after u sort those issues out=). So dunt regret the past and live in the moment and look forward to the future=). Give it sometime and talk to him about it,there is no point in just ‘pretending’ to forget it when its actually always at the back of ur head. If u say tht u both r different people and thts y ur loving it then tht shows tht he has made the move and changed,its now ur turn. And your probably scared that you may be hurt again cause it surely cant be tht u are ‘maybe’ seeing signs of him repeating it because signs r specific,u r either seeing signs or ur not..it cant be a maybe. And make ur time so special with him that you don’t have to regret it later,make it a relationship tht later u feel “damn its over,but im glad it happened,cuz the times I spent with him are way mor precious than this sadness now cuz anything with him is better than nothing”.

He cares bout u and thts y he got back to you,so toking to him wunt really be like talking to a brick wall..tell him how u feel and tell him that even though u want to get over the past just as much as he does,its going to take a while- and tell him in a way tht he feels tht he was so very terrible to u so even if u talking bout it now hurts him a little bit its okay. As I said before,dunt pretend to forget it..but tok 2 him about it and tell him again how much it really hurt u and definitely try making him feel a little more guilty,cuz tht way he’ll actually feel tht wat he did was unacceptable and hed never wanna hurt u again. Tell him ull definitely forget it once u both have spoken about it enough and sorted the issues but again remember tht its the past and theres not much to really ‘sort’ other than his guilt 4 it,and assurance of never doing it again.

More than It all just pray,meditate,have faith and relax. It aint all tht bad u noe,if u stay with him,love him to the fullest but don’t be dependant on him cuz thts when it hurts,ur a good person and gud things will happen to you-just as your name suggests=)

Hope I helped again,and hope it wasn’t a pain to read such a loooong message=)=P..take care and good luck=)

P.S- I know it feels like it was all his fault before ur break up cuz he apologised and all of tht but think over it again. Does it really matter if he watches porn?as long as he watches it in a limit and doesn’t masturbate next to you in bed? If so then let him know about it,he’ll feel more loved and know that you never had a problem with him,but with his habits..He’ll hopefully respect you for who YOU are..and not care about such silly things when it comes to you=)..Good Luck again Karma=)

Not sure why this one and the last one came up as anonymous..but it was me..Karma..

Hey guys!
Thank you so much for your input... I have really been thinking about the part where you both said about the scars remaining for the passed couple days, and your right. To be honest, we have been really great ever since the initial "break up." I really think that both of us have changed a lot, which has bettered the relationship in sooo many ways. I feel like we have become different people together, and that's what makes us so happy. However, I am really starting to realize how much bad memories can creep up on you. Ever since we decided to try again, I somehow managed to push all of that in the back of my mind so that we could start over, with a fresh clean slate so that fights couldn't be started from previous events, but I am now finding that harder and harder. I find myself all the time now laying in bed thinking about certain things that he did in the past that literally tore me to pieces, and honestly I think it hurts me more now to think about them. I really do want to block all of it out, because I know bringing up the past is going to ruin what we have built now, but I can't help but want to talk about it. He on the other hand strongly wants to forget about all of the bad times that we had, and enjoy our new bond that we've created, so trying to tell him how I feel about those events is like talking to a brick wall. I don't know why it is all creeping up on me now tho? Is it because I am becoming terrified that I'll be heart broken again? or maybe that I am starting to notice signs again? I have no idea.. but it is starting to turn me back into the hurt, unhappy girl that I used to be in our "old relationship" and I really don't want to be that girl again. I feel like I am seeing it all worse now because I am comparing it to what we have now, and it is making me angry that I went through an entire year of pretty much hell...when all along, it could have been more like what we have now. I just seriously don't know if these scars will ever fade, and I don't know what to do about it! I really wish I could forgive and forget..but the thought of it right now seems impossible, but I also really don't want to lose what we have now.. what do I do?

To the Anonymous post on July 12th, I am a guy and i completely agree with the previos post however,as said above,if the scars will remain then please have the courage to let go,i understand you love him and all of that but love yourself girl! i mean,i noe its so very difficult but im sure if u talk he'd understand.

To you,Karma and Rala its just that they might be a little immature (atleast karma's guy) and sometimes people like doing things when they are restricted to just like kids,so maybe you'll talking to them about it will surely help and things aren't all tht bad,wht matters is the want to change,if they dunt want to then try understanding them if u cant i think u shud break up,but if they want to change but just too addicted to help it then talk bout it and tell him ur okay with him watching once in a while but if u gonna go on his laptop and delete everything then thts not kewl cuz even thu hes not gonna ending up watching it hes always going to 'want to' and the trust in ur relationship will just be messed up..so if he wants to talk!! or go 2 hypnotherapists(this stuff really helps) Good luck again and take care,really hope i helped=)

Hey Karma,
I'm a guy and personally im not addicted to porn at all but a lot of my friends are. However,id suggest you talk things out with him,think of it like this,yea agreed he was pathetic to you and all of that but he more like took advantage of you always being with you,the second you broke up..he realised your importance and got back to you,if he can do so much try doing a little from your side,ask urself if you'll be okay with him watching porn but not letting it affect ur sex life,if he can watch porn only when he wants to and can control his desire and not be controlled himself by such stuff. Maybe he really wants you cuz u mean much more to him than all of tht,and honestly speaking even people who watch a lot of porn tend to have a lot of sex and more than usual normally because fantasizing isn't the end,they like trying such stuff for in real. So i dunt noe,i aint too experienced myself but i guess u CAN give him the benefit of the doubt.

However,if you can stay without him and if you think tht the scars will always remain and u can never 4get it ALL then let go of it and try being there for each other until ur over each other. Gud luck=)

Internet Porn Addiction is an addiction. I may be the only guy here, but it is not a world conducive to not being sexually aroused by women, The advertising industry has created images of sexy women that we men are constantly drawn to, and the more drawn we are the more money they make and the further we drift from seeing women in non-sexual ways...Guess what ladies, when you aspire to be drooled after and dress the same way as these ads, we are also getting your tacit approval that the imagery of women as sexual objects or at least that which is of a sexualized nature is good and healthy. We get embossed with these relationships and sooner of later our constant attraction to women based only on their looks takes hold. Internet imagery is just taking that to the extreme.