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My husband is an alcoholic who has stated he likes to drink. The stress of our relationship caused my fibromyalgia to go over the top and finally I separated from him 3 months ago. Where do I go from here?

By October 30, 2011 - 9:38pm
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We are in a civil case where I have asked for a Separate Maintenance Agreement, to continue until one of us die or decide to divorce. I love my husband and I know that no one can change him, he must decide to not drink on his own and get the help he needs to do it right. He is sending me some money each month while we are in this process but it is not quite enough and I am working as a part time Walmart employee. I am healthier now that I am away from him and find there are times when we talk over the phone that I feel like an over stretched guitar string ready to break. He is talking about our marriage realistically most of the time and we are beginning to actually talk about the drinking problem which is the largest source of stress and relationship breaks. I think one day go back and the next I am determined to stick this out. I don't know what to do right now. Working keeps my hands and feet busy and my mind busy so I don't feel or think much about the separation and the possibility that he will ask for a divorce. I cannot run away from the situation and I don't know what to do. I refuse to go back into the deep, dark hell hole of depression, that I do now for sure.

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I think you are truly a brave and strong women! You are able to see that your relationship with your husband is unhealthy and you did what many women can not do YOU GOT OUT! I know this is hard on you , but you are 100% right in your choice and you will find that by surrounding yourself with the people in your life that truly loves and appreciates you that everyday you will get stronger, better and more sure of the choice you have made. Abuse in any form is dangerous and wrong, and he needs to know that what he has done to you over the years is not ever going to be allowed again. I feel that you need to distance yourself from talking to him on the phone as well he needs to realize that he has a problem and that you are not going to let him go on being a part of your life in anyway at all while he is drinking. Talking to him to me would only serve to give him a since of being that even though you left and say that his drinking and abuse is wrong and you have had enough, that he still has a hold on you and can still controll and manipulate you to a point of getting away with it. But whatever you choose know that you have truly made a good start and you do deserve a good, healthy life filled with love and happiness.

November 7, 2011 - 11:12pm


Thank you for sharing lots of details about your marriage. It's hard but it does help put things into perspective when you can sit down and read exactly what you have written about your life. It helps to realize that it's an even better idea to separate for the wellness of everyone, including each other. 

You are absolutely doing the right thing by being amicable and keeping conversations short, particularly with someone who has made threats and spends more time inebriated than sober. As difficult as I am sure this is for you, you are worth more than living with someone who mistreats you, belittles you, and is physical with you. Your happiness and safety are most important.

Since you mentioned children are they being supportive? Do you have other forms of support systems?


November 7, 2011 - 7:36am

Your reply helps to keep my perspective, thank you for your time and care. My husband drinks six out of seven days. The minimum per day is normally an average of a case or more of beer. Three days on average he adds to the beer one fourth to one half of a gallon of vodka or whiskey. He has been verbally abusive for most of our marriage and I decided early in our marriage that he truly believes that he is not being abusive and I needed to stand my ground in reminding him of how hurtful his statements are and not back down in fear. In the last five years the verbal abuse has become worse (as the drinking started to increase) and he has been physically abusive in the last three years. He has made verbal threats and has gotten handguns out at the times of heavy verbal abuse and threats. He agrees that we should not live together "if" he is acting this way and so far is agreeable. He does not like or want the family law court to be involved although he has stated that we "may at a later date need to file for divorce". I decided to get help now and try to set up a situation where he would understand I am serious, this is a harmful environment for both of us, and we can work this out or he has a chance to choose not to. At this point in time we are talking on the phone every other day and I must confess that many of those times he is drinking or already drunk. I am working on my response to him and trying to not talk with him when he is drunk and doing so in a positive way by saying lets talk later. It is a long, hard process and the end may not be what I would choose for it to be but I am doing what I believe to be best for my husband, for me and for our children and grandchildren. God alone knows if it is the correct choice.

November 4, 2011 - 11:14am

Hi PowHerSLife,

Is your husband abusive (verbally or physically) when he drinks? How often does he drink? How much does he drink? None of these questions would be important if you had mentioned that you were getting a divorce because you were unhappy and did not love him. Instead you vaguely mentioned that he likes to drink and then you said that you love him.

If he likes to drink a couple of drinks per night and is not harming you or anyone else--then this could be worked on. If he drinks a bottle of Jack Daniel's every night and is verbally abusing you in the process then your health is also being affected. Even if he isn't abusing you and is drinking excessively every night, this can take a toll on you because it isn't a life you want to live. So, if this is the case, you need to decide if you are willing to work on this with him-- understand that for someone who is truly an alcoholic, this will be a very difficult process, mood changes may occur, and he may relapse a couple of times. It is also important that he realizes and accepts that he will be an alcoholic for life. It isn't something that you treat for 3 months and then say "I'm cured!" because 10 months down the line if you offer alcohol to a recovering-alcoholic who hasn't had a drink, then there will be a relapse.

For the time being, try to stay away and do your own thing--since you mention that your health improves when you don't speak with him. Let him SHOW you that he is a changed man. Talk is cheap and anyone can make promises that they don't intend to keep. When you have gone for months without seeing him, speaking to him, and actually seeing a changed man--then you could determine whether you want to give him another chance or whether you feel like you are better off without him.

Best of luck,


October 31, 2011 - 7:48am
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