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My boyfriend and I met online, a little over a year ago. He's 37, and I'm 31. When we first began talking, he was adamant that sex and physical closeness were very important to him. When we met for the first time, he seemed very turned on by me and our time together was very satisfying.
We live together now, but almost since moment one of this arrangement, things have been off. He barely touched me for the first few weeks after moving in, and after I brought it up with him, he expressed that he just wasn't a very affectionate person in that way, and that it was a conscious effort for him to allow someone into his personal space in that way. He was physically abused as a child and teenager, and reacts to being touched when he's asleep like a war veteran with PTSD, so I believe this. He's also made a very significant effort to work on it, and the physical affection (hugging, kissing) has increased a lot.
Sex, however, is non-existent. At the outset, I initiated it because I had no reason to expect he didn't want it, but he consistently seemed uninterested. When I brought it up with him, he told me the new job he had started made him angry, depressed, and exhausted. I could understand, since he'd been going to school while working short evening shifts for years and was now getting up at 6am. He's also an introvert, and was forced into a customer service / accounting position, which he loathed. He said he simply had no energy. He also said he needed time, and was glad we were developing a relationship not based on sex. He didn't cite it as a reason, but he has an issue with PE and I know it makes him self-conscious. He made an effort at first, and we'd go to bed early, but it wasn't difficult for me to tell he wasn't into it, and after a while, I stopped suggesting it.
I know that I have brought it up with him too often, because he was receptive and willing to talk about it at first, but now he rolls his eyes and says things like: "Do we HAVE to go into this again?" The last time we talked, I told him that I didn't feel like the reasons he gave me for this lack of sex were the whole truth, and he finally admitted to me that if I wanted things to improve in that department, I should continue going to the gym. He said he needed to "be able to pick (me) up and move me where he wanted me." I asked him why he hadn't told me this six months ago, and he said he'd tried, but I was too emotional and he was afraid of hurting my feelings.
It is true that I am a big girl. I am 5'8 and I currently weigh 220lbs, and I am not confident at all in my appearance. I've been scorned for it in the past by other men and it's hurt a lot, and I know my man sees that in the way I shy away from initiating sex (and I'm pretty sure he prefers to be the submissive one). I've been working very hard on this since I began this relationship, because I understand self-confidence is beautiful and I want to have the whole package with this man. I currently eat well, go to the gym 5 days a week, and I've lost 25 pounds since we started dating. He compliments my efforts, and is very encouraging in a totally positive way. It still hurts, however, to feel like my man isn't attracted to me in that way, and I can't help but worry that he'll leave me for a 'better model,' even though the one time I suggested that, he said it wouldn't happen. I mean, he chose me, knowing I looked the way I do, because he cares about the person I am inside.
Every other aspect of our relationship is great. I know he isn't cheating on me (and I believe wholeheartedly he never would). I don't trust people easily, but I trust him. He's nine of ten things I ever wanted in a man, but I want 'the whole package,' for us as a couple. I am struggling with the feeling that it's all on ME, though he admits his part in it. I also worry that the damage to my self-confidence in the bedroom (and as a woman) will be hard to repair.
How does a girl get her groove back after (and while) dealing with something like this in a relationship? I am not going to end it, because I recognize the aspects of myself that contribute to the issue, and he's told me it's something we'll work on together. How much will losing this weight really help? How long do I need to wait before I bring it up with him again, or should I just let the self-confidence I gain do my talking for me?
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you!
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Add a Comment26 Comments
He is watching porn and it will ruin you, your self image, your relationship, many things about you, and devastate your life forever. Get out unless he will fix it
December 25, 2012 - 5:51pmThis Comment
This has to be the least helpful comment I've read. This is the second post which blames porn without a helpful suggestion. Guess what, it's not porn. Most men watch porn in some way/shape/form, and the sooner you stop blaming that as the arbitrary reason for a failing relationship, the sooner you will find the real problem. If you've been in a non-intimate relationship and you're not happy, have tried everything you can think of, then either consider couples counseling or get out. Is being on your own worse than these faulty, frustrating relationships? No. Relationship change is a two-way street; if you're showing all the effort and he's showing none, then stand up for yourself and insist on counseling. If that isn't an option because he refuses, then move on with your life- find someone who will value you.
December 28, 2012 - 8:53amThis Comment
exactly - doubtful counseling will work either. My advice to any woman in this situation, it to move out and move on - forget about, definitely the porn excuse (god forbid! steak and potatoes!!!), or even counseling (most men will refuse this anyway - or at the very least, be resentful).
December 28, 2012 - 9:41amThis Comment
ive been living with my partner for around five years now, since he started going online, he has showed no intrest in sex towards me, neither chats to me much, when i make conversation, he just says mmmmmmmmmm, ok yeah, in the mids of typing to women on chat sites, he sleeps in the lounge, dosnt go to sleep till around 5am, can anyone help me with this as to why his change of behaviour towards me
May 22, 2012 - 6:56pmThis Comment
I am having the same problem. My boyfriend and I moved in together recently and since then, sex in almost impossible to have with him. I do not think that I am unattractive and I'm actually very confident in the way I look and feel. Sometimes I think it might be because I'm TOO skinny. I also cut my hair very short recently which he said he loved. But ever since it has not been the same. Even when we do have sex he doesn't look at me. I hope this isn't TMI but if I finally get him to have sex with me he will always demand we do it "doggy style". I get so upset. I think its because he doesn't want to look at my face. It has really become an issue with me. I don't know why he wouldn't want to have sex with me. I am active and pretty successful for how young I am. I told him that I had HPV when I found out a few months ago and he was very supportive and loving, so I don't think it's that.
All I can say is stay strong ladies! We are all beautiful and worthy of affection and intimacy from the person we love.
March 21, 2012 - 7:29pmThis Comment
Yep, been there, twice. I, too, am older than you but it doesn't get any easier as you age. It still hurts and you blame yourself, but why should you? What have you done to deserve rejection? I'm slowly learning that my choice of men may be a problem and still working on that. But, my first priority these days is being my own best friend and you should, too. What you would tell your best friend if she were in a relationship like this? Your man has issues that he needs to deal with. You've tried multiple times, but apparently he doesn't want to help himself. So it's time for you to do what's best for y.o.u. Good luck!!
February 12, 2012 - 10:02amThis Comment
Maybe he just isnt into sex - and never will be
March 13, 2012 - 11:10pmThis Comment
I'm sorry for your unhappiness in the situation. I think he is using that as an excuse for a problem that HE has. It's easier to shift the blame to someone else than to admit our own issues. If you want to lose weight, go for it! But do it for yourself and not in hopes that he will want to have have sex with you. Because I suspect that even if you lose the weight he will just find another excuse. Maybe bring up couples counseling when you think he might be in a receptive mood....I'm 20 years older than you. I had different problems in my marriage, but the message is the same. If you are continuously unhappy, move on with your life without him. Seriously, life is too short to waste being unhappy. I didn't throw away my marriage, but I waited way to long to make the change. I wish you all the best.
February 10, 2012 - 11:25amThis Comment
I wrote here now a long time ago about my problem which is the same. I've been with my boyfriend now for 3 years and heading into the 4th. We live together, own a house together, have dogs, cats and horses together and from the outside we look like the most perfect couple. Inside though I hurt from the sheer lack of sexual intimacy. I spoke about it here when it was just 6 months that we hadn't have a sexual relationship. We have now not had a sex life for 2 years!!!! I can't talk to him about it - Tried this and it didn't work. I asked him to go to his doctor as there could be a serious medical issue however he won't go. I have completley given up even talking to him about it now. He spends more time cuddling the dog then me. The only affection I get is a kiss in the morning when he leaves the house and one again when we go to bed. It's like kissing your granny with no physical feeling at all. I am terrified to touch him as I know he just doesn't like sex so there is no point in trying. I get into bed with my pj's on so that it makes it easier for him. We don't have to touch each other then and I just go to sleep as that is easier too. We continue our day to day life as if we are the perfect couple and nothing is wrong. However, it eats me up inside as I am not fat, I'm not thin (size 12), I'm not ugly, I have a brain, I'm sporty ......... I just don't get it. It constantly goes through my head that come September this year we will not have had sex for 3 years. I just don't know what to do anymore. Do I continue with everything as it's easy and we get on brilliantly as house mates and best friends? Do I call it quits and have the hassle of splitting everything up? (and we have a lot together - it may as well be a marriage). I just don't know. I can't change him. I do love him - I may as well though just be an accessory. He tells me he loves me daily. But are words enough?
February 9, 2012 - 10:37amGood luck girls ..............
This Comment
I would try a steak and bake potato dinner with some wine or better yet, take him out to a nice steak restaurant, you pick up the tab and take charge by asking to taste the wine you'll have with dinner. Once home, turn on a porn movie that you both can watch together. If that doesn't get him sexual with you or give him insight into his sexual "hangup", nothing will it's time you move on. Life is too short to not be happy. There are plenty of good men out there willing to love and be loved.
August 20, 2012 - 9:23amThis Comment