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Selfish boyfriend in bed, and he wont have sex with me..what can i do?

By October 28, 2009 - 3:44pm
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My boyfriend and i have been dateing for over 3 years now, and i cant remember when was the last time we had sex. I have read all sorts of pages on this type of thing, but nothing seems to quite match mine. He is a wonderful person, he treats me great!, he hugs me and kisses me, tells me im pretty and everything, and were both young, but when it comes to sex it just seems he would rather me take care of him and him just forget about me. (meaning oral)
When we first started dateing he couldnt keep his hands off of me, we would fool around all the time and we would have sex at least 2 or even 3 times a week..now a days im lucky if i get it once in 3 months. I have tried telling him about the problem, asking him if he was still in love with me and thought i was pretty and everything, and bringing up the fact that we dont have sex as much anymore, and all i get is "you shouldnt base our relationship on sex," then he turns everything around makeing it seem like its all my fault.

It's not like im not willing to have sex, and he knows that, i just figure if he wanted to, wouldnt he? I just don't know what to do anymore, i have tried spicing things up and it just ends up the same way, hes happy, im not..he doesnt seem to notice and when he does, he just says "i love you" and walks away. I like to think im not ugly, but im no super model either,i take care of myself, im clean and i hate that this makes me second guess myself. Im only 20 years old and i crave that sexual intimacy that im not receiving. I dont understand why he wont have sex with me anymore and im sick of being the only one thats left unsatified and in tears. Help?

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(reply to Diane Porter)

Hi Diane,
Thanks so much for your comment, It is nice to talk to someone completely unrelated to the situation. I will try to answer some of you questions:
We have been together for 3.5 years and I was 21 when he asked me to marry him, I am 22 now and was 19 when we started dating.
His religion is something he has grown up in, somewhat, I always knew what he believed but the no sex because of it came out of nowhere. Never in his life did he practice abstinence. The sex was the only major thing that changed, well he did also quit drinking ( he wasn't a drinker to begin with but he stopped having drinks alltogther). He did go to church but it was a here and there thing not a consistant every Sunday thing. I think he was trying to establish that his beliefs were shared and that I was a comitted to them as he was.
This next part about Marry or call it quits is a very hard one that I am still trying to pick apart myself. Only because he seems manipulating in other ways and I am trying to figure out if it is manipulation or not. He basically told me that he was not leaving and that if I wanted to stay with him at all it would have to be as his wife. He said that he didn't understand why I did not want to marry him if i was already committed what would be the difference. I asked him the same question, because really he was the one who seemed to have the problem with our committed relationship and he basically said that he wanted to be right with God and that we should be married since we are living together. He listened to my concerns but didn't think they were serious issues and said that us being married was more important. I forgot to mention in the last post how he always wants me to put him first, even before my family because he is now my family and should be put first. But on the same note still has not told his parents that he wishes to marry me. He wants me to make it clear to my family that he is my life partner but hasn't done the same for me. When I expressed this to him he says I am selfish because he rarely talks to his mom and for me to ask him to talk about me is selfish. and that the reason he hasn't told his family is because he does not want them to feel guilty that they can't be here for his wedding. (they live about a $1000 flight away and are very far from being able to afford it)
It's funny that you said Passive-Agressive because I have been trying to do some research about his behaviour and have crossed the Passive-Aggressive term before. I feel that he can be manipulative but I am at a point now where I don't know if it's him or me anymore. He says that I am the manipulator and that I change words in our arguments to suit my side. and I can't figure out if these are things I do or if he is just convincing me that I do them. Sometimes when we get in an argument over something stupid I will say " I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything" and he'll say " oh stop talking like your a battered wife or something, there are women out there who got it way worse" or something along those lines. And then I tell him he is being ridiculous and that I wasn't talking like that. But then later I will question myself and say "well was I talking like that?".
As for the Porn, I think he is serious about helping himself. I don't think he is serious about working with me or anyone else to figure it out. And I mentioned in the last post how we watched a video on it and In that video some of the wives talked about how thier husbands addictions affected thier self image and yet everytime I bring it up he tells me that my self image is not his fault and that I am trying to turn his problem into a problem about me.
I consider leaving all of the time but the alternatives suck! I have been ready to leave many times in the past and he gets really nasty about who gets what and " oh so your gonna go and live alone in your little room for rent, let see how good that makes you feel" and "so what, your planning on leaving me and fixing yourself for someone else? why dont you fix yourself now for me?"
He would consider see one, but i don't think it would help, he wouldn't take him/her seriously and would just leave the way he came in.
I don't have any friends to talk to about this, I don't have any friends at all. I don't really want to talk to my family because I don't want to give him a bad image or have thier advise be biased. I have considered many times going to therapy for myself but I know that if that helps me make a decsion on where my life is going and it ends up being without him he won't accept it as my decision and will blame the therapist for brainwashing me.
I really don't know if it is him making me so unhappy, I can't figure any of it out on my own and I guess I am just terrified that if I leave and realize it wasn't him and I made a mistake that I can't take back and then have to live with that regret.

November 30, 2009 - 12:55pm
EmpowHER Guest

He seems to think there is nothing wrong with our relationship! But in the past few days he has been texting girls from his work and dressing in his nicest clothes for work. If i ask who he is texting he tells me all about them! but he does this all night. What i dont understand is he says he is to tired to have any sexual contact with me but he keeps me awake till late most nights watching TV! He cant be watching porn cause im always at home at the moment with not having a job. I feel like i only have one persons support at the moment and that is my biological mum that my boyfriend helped me find at the start of this year, she told me to ask him lots of questions the other night eg. where do you see us in 5 years? He could not answer it. We had everything planned out a few months ago like getting married in the caribean. But now it feels like we have lost all that. do you think he could be stressed about something?

November 27, 2009 - 3:28am
(reply to Anonymous)

Sure, Anon, it's possible that he's stressed out about something. But that stress is something that a real partner would share with you.

To me, from what you say, it sounds like there is another person he may be interested in. Of course I don't know either of you and these are just my thoughts from what you've written. But he's treating you badly, he won't be intimate, and he is dressing nicely for someone at work and texting women from work late into the night. You say he tells you about them, but do you trust him to tell you the truth after how he treats you?

He knows that there are things that are wrong with the relationship. Don't let him tell you that.

I am so very very happy you have your biological mom to help you sort through this. Trust her -- she has only your best interests at heart. The questions she told you to ask were pretty important. Did you get back to her with his inability to answer the questions? What does she say?

November 27, 2009 - 8:55am
EmpowHER Guest

i find it so hard to leave cause its not much better at home. I was adopted when i was a baby so me and my mum dont have a connection and she puts me down all the time. I feel so stuck! He told me if we broke up he would sell my 5 month old puppy that he brought me and i would loose everything! Have you got any advice of how to talk to him about spending more time with me. The problem with him is his parents spoil him even now, all he has to do is ring his dad up and he will give him anything he wants! We spoke the other night and we both agreed that once a week we will go out for a drink and a chat! do you think things can improve? thank you for your message.

November 26, 2009 - 3:22am
(reply to Anonymous)


Thanks so much for writing back. It helps me understand you more since you find connection difficult due to your background. Please know that it's not just because you are adopted. Many many mothers and their adopted children form a wonderful bond. It may just be that your mom wasn't able to do that, and she has made you feel less wanted and less lovable because of it. And now, where you are in a relationship where the connection is also not the best, you find it hard to believe that there could be anything better.

You would not lose everything if you left him. You are losing things -- self-esteem, love, time -- by keepign the relationship as it is. And he is trying to control you. I think that the puppy is a perfect example. If someone really loved you, they would either keep the dog themselves or allow the puppy to go with you. They would not hold the puppy over your head and threaten both your happiness and the well-being of the puppy in order to control your behavior.

I think going out for a drink and a chat once a week is a wonderful idea. It can be the beginning of more and better communication between the two of you. But it's the in-between times I worry about. None of us has the right to control another person, and he should not be treating you like you are his child. Is there any way that you can see a therapist or a counselor -- even for a few visits -- so that you have more tools to use in this relationship?

November 26, 2009 - 10:01am
EmpowHER Guest

I have the same problem as you.. my boyfriend is just really uninterested in me! I am 19 and he is 28. he is always saying he is tired. But sometimes he tells me i might get sex if im lucky!! Im a young attractive 19year old and he said if i am lucky! he treats me like a slave round the house and never gives me a break.. i am unemployed at the moment so he uses that against me all the time.. he spends all night on his laptop playing on facebook and a game, when i talk to him about it he throws it back in my face and makes me feel bad for talking to him about it!! i have lost all my confidence, i look in the mirror and think i look fat! im at breaking point.. please help!!!

November 24, 2009 - 4:05am
(reply to Anonymous)


Thank you so much for writing.

I want you to read back your own question as though you didn't know who wrote it:

--He teases you about wanting sex in a demeaning way
--He treats you like a slave around the house
--He emotionally abuses you about being unemployed instead of being supportive
--He ignores your requests to spend any quality time with you and insults you when you ask
--You have lost confidence and your body image.

Why are you still in this relationship? Anon, living with parents or a friend and moving past this abusive, controlling boyfriend would be the best present you could give yourself. You deserve more. I know that you probably feel dependent on him because you don't have a job right now, but I bet if you were determined to leave that you could find somewhere to stay while you look for a job. You are at the very beginning of your life and you shouldn't tie yourself down to a relationship with someone who does not want you to be an equal partner. If he's uninterested in you, there's no reason to stay, Anon. Look at this as a blessing, take the hint, and get your own life back.

November 25, 2009 - 8:36am

Killer Bunnies,

First, you need to realize that you're being manipulated here. You're giving your boyfriend oral sex but you're not receiving any intimacy in return. Things are very lopsided here.

There's something going on here that your boyfriend isn't sharing with you. Normal, healthy men in their 20s don't simply stop being interested in the woman they love and spend time with. He may be stressed over school or work; he may be worried about money; he may be depressed over something and worried that he won't be able to "perform." There's also a possibility that he is into internet porn, or that he is interested in someone else. Do you get the sense any of these things could be true?

Please understand that YOU cannot change him. It won't happen. You can only change you and your behavior. You may want to consider stopping having oral sex with him if the physical relationship is not going to go both ways, because it's making you feel vulnerable and used. You are "sick of being the only one that's left unsatisfied and in tears," and I say, of course you are. It's totally reasonable. You are giving and not receiving; he is taking and not giving. There's no way that that ends in two happy people.

What do you think may be going on with him? Do you have any clues other than what he's told you?

October 29, 2009 - 8:47am
(reply to Diane Porter)

Well there is always the chance that hes stressed out about something, but when i ask he doesnt say anything is wrong..money is always an issue with him..but i mean i stress about things too but im willing to be intimate with him. I have stopped the oral sex, but that really hasnt changed anything. And i do know that he does watch porn but i havent really notice him doing it alot but i mean he could be doing it when im not there,..he does have all of these figures of anime girls and i dont like them, but i dont want him to stop being his-self, i wouldnt want to do that to him. but he knows i dont like them, and i have just kind of learned to egnore them. i did go on vacation with my family a few months agao and when i got back i found out that he had been spending time with this girl from work..and when i finaly saw him, all he talked about was her!...i told him that i didnt like how this was sounding, and i havnt heard anything about her sence, but i mean he sees her everyday at work and i cant be with him 24/7 so there are going to be something that i dont know about...there could be somthing going on there...i just dont know what to think anymore with whats been going on. i have been loosing weight and eating better trying to look my best when im around him, but still nothing. i just want to feel loved and wanted again. and i do understand that i wont be able to change him, and i dont want to change in completely, id just like some physical contact every once in a while, to make me feel loved.
thanks so much for answering my question...this is kind of touchie subject, and i dont really want to ask my mom..its just nice that someone out there is willing to listen to me and help me out..thanks so much! this is really helping!

October 29, 2009 - 4:52pm
(reply to killer_bunnies)

Killer bunnies

First of all, you're so welcome. I'm very glad we can be of some help as you try to work through this!

You know, I'm just not liking how this is stacking up:

1. there is a porn issue, though you aren't sure of the degree of it
2. there seemed to be some attraction to another woman, and he works with her
3. the anime girls bother you
4. he seems uncaring when you are upset and sort of turns the arguments around on to you
5. he is young and healthy yet not interested in sex with you.

And yet you are the one thinking that you should lose weight and look your best to perhaps make him feel differently about you! (Instead of him working to be a good partner to you!)

I can tell that you are a thoughtful, giving, loving girlfriend. I can't help but think that there is something going on here that you don't know about. And it's hard to "fix" a situation when one partner thinks it needs fixing and the other partner thinks it's fine. Do you think there's any way he would go to a counselor with you for a couples session or two? Especially if you told him it was very important to you?

October 30, 2009 - 9:19am
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