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Why is it so hard for me to leave a relationship I do not think will be good for me?

By Anonymous December 10, 2011 - 10:28am
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I have been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now. We started off as friends and it took some time for us to become phsically intimate with each other. My boyfriend has always been very vocal about the fact that he thinks I am attractive. For some reason, I have never been able to believe him though. I think it is because he honestly over odes it. I feel like he is trying to convince himself that he is attradted to me. For the record, I have never felt this way about any other man I have dated. I have always assumed that they were attraced to me by their actions. When I talk to my boyfriend about these things, his responses seem un-natural.

The other day he made a comment to me that was upsetting. he said that he was interested in men sexually but would never act on it. He said it was more of a curiosity and that he was only really interested in women. I told him I was a little upset, but that I always had an idea about him being attracted to men. I told him I would support him no matter what. He then told me he was joking and that he would never like men. I told him it was not funny because it wan not to me.

I never got over that statement. We recently got into an argument over something and he gave me his cellphone back because the account is in my name. He said he loved me and wanted to remain best friends but just not have an intimate relationship anymore. I asked him why, and he said because we were arguing a little too much. I was very upset but respected what he said. I then went home. I went to get on the internet on his phone and I noticed in the history all this porn. He had been watching porn daily and it was all anal sex with women or gay porn. He then started calling me asking me to not leave his life. He said he made a mistake. I spoke with him for a minute and asked him about the porn I found. I especially wanted to know about the gay porn. He tried to ignore me and change the subject but I made him answer me. He said he was not gay or bisexual. He said he was looking at the porn because it is taboo. He changed the subject again and tried to blame the relationship ending on me. He said he could not go on without me in his life. He siad,"I need you in my life." Maybe it is my fault, I don't know. I do argue with him sometimes. I asked him to leave me alone. This is not the first time this has happened. I just don't think I want to go through this anymore.

I don't trust myself enough I know, but I am scared to leave him because what if it's a mistake. He is not speaking to me now, and that is hard for me. Ifeel like if he does not talk to me anymore than that makes it my fault. Ugh...I hate this feeling! I don't know how to get through it. Anybody have any thoughts?

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EmpowHER Guest

Thank you. You are right. Ido consider him my friend at least, and I want him to know that I support him in that way. I need to just stay focused on my goals and not worry so about the things I can not change. I really appreciate your comment. Thanks again.

December 13, 2011 - 8:41am

Dear Anonymous, 

I always believe that women should trust their intuitions. It's quite a coincidence that you have always had a gut feeling that this man faked his attraction for you and then he admits that he has a curiosity for men. 

In all honesty, he's either confused about his sexuality or he is absolutely sure that he is gay and is trying desperately to change this with you. It is possible that he cares about you and that's why he can't seem to let you go-- but that doesn't mean he's sure that he wants to be with you. 

You can either walk away from this relationship or have a conversation with him as friends. Let him know that you're all ears and that men don't fantasize about other men or enjoy watching gay porn unless there is a gay tendency or curiosity that this person is still confused about. Be open with him and let him know that no matter what he decides, you will always be there for him even if it's just as friends. 

Best of luck,


December 10, 2011 - 9:27pm
EmpowHER Guest

Btw, sorry about all the spelling errors above. I guess proof reading should be done before you submit a comment.

December 10, 2011 - 10:33am
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