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Why is my boyfriend not wanting to have any type of sexual contact with me?

By May 22, 2011 - 7:42am
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My boyfriend and i have been together for almost 2 years now , last year we bought a house together. He is 25 and i am 21 ( almost 22).When we were getting ready to move he pretty much stopped having sex with me which i understood because he was extremely stressed about a 35 year mortgage. After we moved in things got a little bit better, although it still wasnt anywhere near where it once was. We used to have sex every day if not a few times a day. Realistically i didn't expect it to stay that way but over the past few months he has no interest in having sex. He now only has sex with me about once a month if that. I understand that sex isn't the main factor in a relationship but it is part of it and i feel so unloved.Ive talked to all of my friends even my mom about the situation they all tried to give me ideas on how to fix it . Ive tried everything from buying new lingerie, changing my look ,working out more ,until he finally said why are you doing all that, you look better plain. He doesn't like when i dye my hair, he doesn't want me to cut my hair, and wants me to wear my glasses instead of contacts.,he doesnt like me wearing anything revealing at all. Basically he wants me to not stand out so no one else will notice me. So for months i did this because i thought maybe if i did exactly as he liked he would want me again, but he didn't. i've read posts about women having the same problem and i've tried talking to him calmly and asking him why we aren't having sex and he says he doesn't know and that its not because of me. Sometimes when i try he says hes too tired or hes watching tv. Everyone keeps telling me its really not my fault, i don't want to sound conceited but i think i'm an attractive woman, at least i thought i was before all this started. I try not to show how unattractive i feel because it me turn him off even more, but its getting sooo hard. when i look in the mirror im just so upset all i can think is what is it about me that repulses him so much that hed rather not touch me, despite the fact that everyone tells me its not me. The other thing that weighs on my mind is what kind of woman am i if i cant even get my own boyfriend to want me? I know hes not cheating on me because hes always spoken his mind and once he had a fun day at work with a balloon toss, he felt so guilty that his partner was female and she was wearing a white shirt and when he threw the balloon it popped all over her as soon as he got home he had to tell me and he was really upset ,so how could he cheat on me? Ive asked him if he could possibly go to the doctor just to make sure its not medical and he wont go. so for a while i acted like it didnt bother me. and just waited for him to be ready to do anything with me but he never did i had to initiate it and most of the time im rejected..So Back in march we decided to get a puppy, i love my puppy to death but i regret getting him sometimes because its made the situation harder. My boyfriend calls me mommy all the time now so i started calling him daddy which i thought was cute because to me it feels like hes not scared of the idea. then he started wanting the dog to sleep in the bed. Mind you at the second we have a full size bed now with 2 people and a dog in it. so now there's no way for me to even slightly get him interested in sex because he always says the dog is in the bed so he doesn't want to. I told him it really bothers me that the dog sleeps with us because its not going to help our situation and he says we will do it later i promise and then never does. Now hes said that quite a few times and then i think about it more later and im even more crushed when he doesn't want to.To top it off They both snore so now i have to wear ear plugs to bed, i've even asked him to get the breath right strips to see if they help but he wont do it he said i have to buy them if i want him to use them. I got furious, already i'm paying for a birth control that doesn't really help much to regulate me it only prevents me from getting pregnant which isn't a propblem because you have to have sex to get pregnant but now he wants me to buy that too, which im sure he wouldn't even wear. I told him i would be ok with not having sex much if he would at least cuddle with me more often , all i get is like 5 minutes of cuddle and when he does kiss me its a tiny little peck. He always says he loves me, but at this point i dont know if he really does, if you love someone how could you see how bad they hurt and not want to fix the problem?, i know that all i've done is complain about him and im sure everyone is going to just say why don't you leave him? but despite all of this like i said sex i'snt everything,and he does treat me well. I mean this guy flew me to Boston for the day to see Fenway and have lunch because i had never been on a plane and i love baseball. I love the guy hes my best friend, I love his family, i love our house and i love our dog, i just hate our sex life more than anything. and i hate feeling this way. I just need to know what to do maybe there's something else i can say to him to help him understand how i'm really feeling i find it difficult to really tell him everything in here because he just doesn't want to talk about this. Even last night i tried to get him interested and he was watching some weather channel show and he kinda got interested but said im watching a show. So i went to bed. when he got up there i was just so upset because each time he rejects me it becomes even more painful. i finally got up and said im going to sleep downstairs and he asked why, i said i was too upset to sleep up there with him. Eventually he came down stairs and told me i should come back up and sleep in bed and that he doesn't understand why i am so upset. After all the times i've told him how I am feeling and he didn't understand why i was upset. so all night i laid awake next to him with tears soaking my pillow. Im sure by now everyone is thinking why am i getting soooooooo upset about this. Simply put i dont feel like an attractive woman i feel unloved, unappreciated, undesirable, fat, and alone. I am getting depressed. And my entire body hurts from it.please help me understand.

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Thank you, you've given me a lot to think about , after reading your response I realize I have a hard time communicating well with him when I'm upset . I've written a letter that expresses everything I'm feeling , in a non confrontation way and I'm going to read it too him, I know it sounds silly but it helped me organize me thoughts and will help me to address all the things thaT you have mentioned. I think part of me is scared to address all of this because I don't want to hear that's he's lost interest in our relationship. But I refuse to live this way and if he's not willing to try or seek councelling than he's not the man for me.

May 23, 2011 - 3:24pm

I am sorry you are going through this! Let's see if we can offer some helpful advice or support.

My reactions after I read your post:
1. You are the primary person compromising in your relationship to get him to like you (changing your appearance, your likes, your dislikes, changing where you sleep, agreeing to his suggestions).
2. You are accepting poor communication from your partner, for instance, "I don't know" or "I promise I will..." (with no follow-through) are not reasonbable answers for a long-term, committed relationship.

This really IS about you, right? And no, it is not about the sex. Not at all. You are allowing yourself to change who you are for the possibility of your boyfriend to find you attractive and show affection. We assume he loves you, but why wouldn't he? I'm sure you are nice, friendly, attractive and accommodating to his needs. He asks you to change, and you do. You ask him a question, and he doesn't have to respond. You tell him it is unacceptable for a dog to sleep in your bed, and he says "OK" and does it anyways. He watches TV instead of communicating. He even asks you to buy the birth control, and you do. I'm sure you have expectations of him that you have not listed, but please know that you are not following-through on YOUR expectations of him, just as he is not following-through on his communication or promises with you. Neither of these behaviors are going to build a strong foundation of trust, mutual understanding and respect, nor communication or intimacy.

You both need to figure out what you are committed to, if you are invested in this relationship at the same level, what you can compromise on, what you each need to learn about one another. If he can pay lip-service to your feelings and you accept this (you talk with friends and family, but have not told him what is acceptable to you), he will continue to meet minimum standards (unfortunately). You also need to figure out what you will accept in a relationship, how you expect to be treated, and what are deal breakers. A few examples:
1. When one of us has an issue with the other person, how do we both discuss feelings, actively listen and discuss possible solutions that we each follow-through with (and the compromise is not all on you).
2. A relationship includes another person caring about their partner's feelings, thoughts and well-being. A difficult subject can be discussed without fighting, ignoring, blaming, etc.
3. Sleeping arrangements need to be agreed upon by both people. A dog can sleep in a dog bed beside your bed (is that really a difficult solution?! It truly makes me wonder why your boyfriend is acting passive-aggressive towards you, or is actively showing you that your words do not mean anything to him or do not hold any weight in the relationship).

Please know: this list is not about being demanding, but it is about setting boundaries for yourself. I hope you also can begin knowing yourself well enough, and liking yourself more, that you engage in hobbies and interest that you love. You can gain more confidence (and, not put up with poor treatment) by doing things you love, being around people who bring out the best in you. I'm sure your boyfriend makes you happy in many circumstances, but the direction he is headed shows lack of commitment, not wanting to put energy and investment into building a relationship together. It's like he stopped with the house and dog...he's got a long ways to go to build trust, intimacy and show mutual respect (does he think men are "better than" women, since he is able to tell you how to change your appearance?).

Lastly, if he still is unable to communicate with you, show you genuine concern for your feelings, discuss sleeping arrangements and not brush you aside with "un"-answers, it might be time for couple's counseling.

May 22, 2011 - 8:04pm
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