Been depressed since about age 11 and was bullied daily for 7 years. It was mostly the boys making fun of how I looked, throwing things at me, things like that. Along with that, I was emotionally/verbally abused throughout my life by one of my parents. It got to the point where I was so insecure about how I looked that I wouldn't go anywhere. If I went to the mall, and someone looked at me it would make me go home. I get compliments now and then, and people even want me to model for photoshoots... which I do do from time to time but I'm always afraid of what's in the pictures and I don't like them often... Anyway, I've always had problems creating friends and relating to people... and it seems like no matter what I do nobody has any interest in getting to know me... people stare at me all the time, and I freak out wondering what's wrong with me. Nobody ever approaches me or wants to get to know me. People think I'm a bitch or stuck up. I just wish they knew the truth. During undergrad it was the same.. I tend to isolate myself because I hate being around people, and yet I desperately wish I had friends who care about me. Even in graduate school it's still the same,.. probably worse now that I think of it. I'm the one that people go to to talk about their problems, or even if they have questions about assignments. Whenever I have problems or ask anything no one cares... I've been in and out of therapy, and it helps, but it's still such a struggle when I've been living like this for so long. Antidepressants work a bit, but they don't stop the anxiety. They take the edge off so I don't self-injure as often. Thing is, I know that I'm a very smart person, and when I'm not depressed I'm incredibly rational about all this. I know that like 90% of my problems are all in my head. It's funny because I'm studying to become a therapist myself... and yet I fall victim to these things... I don't have anyone to relate to... sometimes I feel so alone even though I know I'm not the only one with AvPD. I'm just wondering if anyone else is out there... and how they cope. I've been joining in social gatherings as much as I can.. but they always end with intense anxiety, guilt, and depression.
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Hi Anonymous,
Thank you for sharing your story. Personality disorders are hard to overcome especially with what you have been through with bullying and your parent. However, I see a lot of good coming out of your disorder such as being a model and trying to attend social gatherings. My first thought when you indicated that people look at you in public may be due to the fact that you are attractive rather than a negative connotation although you are so used to the "bullying" pattern that you may be drawing people away from you.
As a therapist, you will be dealing with individuals such as yourself. If you had to talk to someone who was also suffering from avoidance, what would you suggest? Most people can be irrational about their disorders, while you have a grip on it...you just don't know how to take that step forward to move forward and create bonds with people.
You must understand that all relationships (friends, or sexual) will have their ups and downs. We have to realize that relationships are based on trust and learning to begin to trust others may be benefical to you. Don't forget that everyone is human though and what you may imagine, may not occur. I haved moved around a lot in my life and am forced to create new relationships if it is personal, love interests or work relationships. Guess what I also do? I go to school in order to keep the lonliness to a minimum. Do you have a pet? Perhaps a dog? This is another good way to always force yourself out into the world as the dog has to use the bathroom so you are on a daily routine of getting outside and not holding yourself inside the house.
These are just suggestions, although you will have to rely on yourself to understand that you are a beautiful person and the bullies of life and/or your parent that was rude, is just a bump in the road. Don't allow those experiences to rule the rest of your life. There are many people out there that are lacking as they have not had the chance to meet you.
Good luck,
April 21, 2012 - 9:26amMissie
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