Been depressed since about age 11 and was bullied daily for 7 years. It was mostly the boys making fun of how I looked, throwing things at me, things like that. Along with that, I was emotionally/verbally abused throughout my life by one of my parents. It got to the point where I was so insecure about how I looked that I wouldn't go anywhere. If I went to the mall, and someone looked at me it would make me go home. I get compliments now and then, and people even want me to model for photoshoots... which I do do from time to time but I'm always afraid of what's in the pictures and I don't like them often... Anyway, I've always had problems creating friends and relating to people... and it seems like no matter what I do nobody has any interest in getting to know me... people stare at me all the time, and I freak out wondering what's wrong with me. Nobody ever approaches me or wants to get to know me. People think I'm a bitch or stuck up. I just wish they knew the truth. During undergrad it was the same.. I tend to isolate myself because I hate being around people, and yet I desperately wish I had friends who care about me. Even in graduate school it's still the same,.. probably worse now that I think of it. I'm the one that people go to to talk about their problems, or even if they have questions about assignments. Whenever I have problems or ask anything no one cares... I've been in and out of therapy, and it helps, but it's still such a struggle when I've been living like this for so long. Antidepressants work a bit, but they don't stop the anxiety. They take the edge off so I don't self-injure as often. Thing is, I know that I'm a very smart person, and when I'm not depressed I'm incredibly rational about all this. I know that like 90% of my problems are all in my head. It's funny because I'm studying to become a therapist myself... and yet I fall victim to these things... I don't have anyone to relate to... sometimes I feel so alone even though I know I'm not the only one with AvPD. I'm just wondering if anyone else is out there... and how they cope. I've been joining in social gatherings as much as I can.. but they always end with intense anxiety, guilt, and depression.
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